The thought of "Why me?"

Post Reply New Topic

Warning, this is a long, messy dump. Feel free to read for exact details, summary at bottom.

About a couple months ago, my mood started to shift dramatically. I used to be content (with some self-esteem issues that didn't affect me too much but still) but I am consistently depressed now. At first, it really didn't bother me much, but it got worse when school started. I was still 90% productive but I sometimes sat in my bed, putting myself down (not to the point of crying yet). Then, my boyfriend broke up with me. It was heart wrenching, and the first days I felt sad and thought that it was going to go away in a couple of days. It didn't. The scenario got worse, and it turns out he left me for my best female friend. My best female friend and male friend (not my ex) were dating, and my ex started texting my female friend 2 months before he broke up with me, convincing her to break up with her now-ex, and it kept going on until he just broke up with me to be with her. I heard that through another trustworthy friend (She hung around my bestie a lot and they share everything), and that story put me in a really dark, deep downward spiral. That was the first time I went into one of my mental breakdowns. I now have them about once or twice a week.

Mental breakdowns, for me, are the worst. Something random happens at school, and I get this empty, null sadness that lurks inside my body. I can't smile, my eyes feel glossy, my throat clenches like I'm about to cry but I can't because crying in public is one of my biggest insecurities (As an autistic person, I cried over stuff a lot and I'm afraid of people seeing my sensitive side). As soon as I get done with my chores at home, I get in pajamas, curl up in my little crawlspace, bury myself head first into a pillow, and weep weakly, because I'm in such a sad state that I don't have the strength to cry out loud. I'll try to whisper into my pillow "why does everyone leave me, what is wrong with me? Why me?" and I cannot form the words, I'll either stutter or I'll get stuck on one sound and sound like a wheezing, dying rat. Sometimes my breathing speeds up rapidly for no reason and it scares me even more. It takes a minute for it to get back under control. The mental breakdowns themselves can last for up to 3 hours, its more likely to last that long at night.

Worst about this whole thing is how its affecting my academic career. I was once a really outstanding kid, who could ace anything without studying for hours. Its long gone now. I recently got a 19 out of 50 on a chemistry test (granted literally nobody finished it, but most kids got a thirty something. I'm also one of those aspies that isn't miraculous at math and the test was on scientific notation, conversions, and density calculations). I didn't get a single A on my quarter one report card. I have 3 F's as of writing this, the others are B's and C's in classes that I usually excel in. I've also found it to be more difficult than before to do presentations in front of classmates, talk to peers who aren't in my friend circle, and even when talking, I feel so self-concious of my voice that I almost went mute twice in this past year.

Lastly, every time I look in the mirror, I see a fat, ugly slob. Everyone (except my mom) tries to boost my self-image, I've heard everything under the sun about loving your body as is. I wear sweaters, jeans, comfy boots, a hat, and anything else that'll cover up as much of my body shape to others. I don't talk much, my eye contact is practically non-existant (I usually looked people by the bridge of their nose), and its hard to concentrate. My body has also felt physical pains that aren't explained otherwise (dull headaches, dull general soreness, nausea, shakiness around others, etc). As for my mom, she actively belittles my appearance and personality. She'll say stuff like "Why do you look so f*ing ridiculous?" "Why are you such a hateful little B*?" "Shut the F* up!" "Why do you waste so much time playing video games?" "Get over yourself, stop living in your own little fantasy world!" and other things like that.

Summary:Boyfriend left me for best friend, tried to break up her current relationship while ex was still with me. Mental breakdowns consist of physical pain and severe mental distress. Literally no sense of self-worth/acceptance, feels too fat and ugly and horrible to be loved. Grades have significantly lowered. Mom harrases me.

I'm really sorry you're dealing with so much right now. It sounds as if your ex felt like that his relationship with you was not what HE wanted out of a relationship. Ideally, he would've broken up with you when he realized he didn't have true feelings for you and started texting your friend, but a lot of people in that age range are inmature like that.

People have left me in the dust. Several times. So I know how painful that must be. Idk how you feel about your ex at this point(whether it's that you wish you still had him or you just feel upset you can't find anybody), but if guys have liked you in the past, that can at least make you feel hopeful that you'll be able to find someone else in the future. If there's any guys you like that aren't taken, think more about how much you would want to date one of them so that you get your mind off of your previous relationship.

If you're feeling overwhelmed at school, don't be afraid to cry. It's ok to walk out of or skip a class and instead go to your roster teachers room, guidance office, etc. I did that a lot in HS.

I was always getting mediocre grades just like what you've been getting. I've struggled in classes where I needed assistance just to finish with a passing grade. My advice to you is to talk to your teachers in those classes and your roster teacher(I'm guessing you have one). Believe me, they WILL help you and do everything they can to help you all they can. That's what they're there for.

And I'm sorry your mom is saying all those things to you. Just know that that's a reflection on HER. Not you.

Let the teachers(specifically the ones that teach the classes you're struggling in)know how overwhelmed you feel with your academics, and they will help you. Regarding that and everything else going on in your life, don't be afraid to talk about all that and how you feel to others. Reach out to your friends. Talk with your guidance counselor. Talk with your roster teacher or teachers aide.

I hope that helped. I've been in your shoes and I know how rough it is.

For me I was depressed starting age 8 (my mom was emotionally abusive), but at age 16 due to circumstances it got a lot worse. There are online tests to see if you mom is moderately to severely emotionally abusive. My depression (difficulty communicating to get useful help) lasted for a while. I survived; it was rough. I didn't know I was being abused (everything was my fault after all) and didn't know how to ask for help (I thought I need to fix it; and I couldn't). Looking back at my yearbooks, during the worst year of my HS classmates wrote things like "you are so happy; you helped me so much" ---- apparently I dissociated from my own problems around them. You are here, acknowledging your pain, you are here making a connection, you are here to get through this. Kudos to you for taking that step. Hugs in this difficult time. I wish you could more easily get back to what you knew was true about yourself (perfect in your way) prior to the parental ridicule/criticism. I am sorry you are not in a safe environment. Find outside support to start! A school counselor was helpful for me, but even so, I didn't know how to communicate the extent of what was going on. Hugs.

Are your parents together? If not maybe you could stay with your dad. My mom could be a b***h to me when I was a teenager too. When I moved out we started getting along better. Don't know if your situation would be the same when you finally get to move out but here's hoping.

Aspies experience significantly more stress than the average NT. It should almost be our middle name. Stress unless it is properly vented will build up and be stored in our bodies. This can drive us into a state of distress, such as depression, trauma, etc.

This is a list of signs that someone is experiencing trauma:

* Deer in the headlight frozen expression
* Paleness and racing heartbeat
* Terrified speechless
* Disruptive behavior
* Anger, irritability, mood swings, edginess
* Hyperactive
* Poor concentration
* Demonstrating poor impulse control
* Lethargic, lack of energy
* Depressed
* Shock, denial, or disbelief
* Confusion, feeling out of control
* Anxiety and fear
* Night terrors
* Guilt, shame and self-blame
* Withdrawing from others
* Feeling sad and hopeless
* Feeling disconnected or numb, spacey
* Hyper-focus on mortality or death
* Loss of appetite or overeating
* Obsessive-compulsive behavior
* Avoidance behavior

I have attempted to map your narrative to the signs of trauma by bolding them.

What I suspect you are calling mental breakdown also has components of a panic attack.

There is a cluster of terms all interrelated to describe a human condition. They are called a major meltdown, a panic attack, anxiety attack, trauma attack, a panic disorder, and tonic immobility.

Frustration, anxiety, stress, upset, and depression: Together they can lead to an emotional eruption, or what some people call a “meltdown.” Sometimes an individual feels so emotionally overwhelmed by unpleasant feelings that they can no longer control them or hide them from others. If a meltdown becomes extreme, it will transition into a full-blown panic attack.

A symptoms of panic attack generally includes 10 physiologic symptoms and 3 psychological symptoms. These symptoms are:
* shortness of breath,
* heart racing,
* dizziness,
* chest pain,
* sweating,
* chills or hot flashes,
* trembling,
* choking,
* nausea,
* numbness or tingling in the limbs or entire body,
* feeling of unreality or being detached from the world,
* fear of losing control,
* fear of dying.

A panic attack is a sudden episode of intense fear that triggers severe physical reactions when there is no real danger or apparent cause. Panic attacks can be very frightening. When panic attacks occur, you might think you're losing control, having a heart attack or even dying.

Many people have just one or two panic attacks in their lifetimes, and the problem goes away, perhaps when a stressful situation ends. But if they have recurrent, unexpected panic attacks and spent long periods in constant fear of another attack; it can develop into a condition called panic disorder.

This is all driven by chemical reactions in the body. If you can successfully vent the stress, then your body will return to a neutral state called homeostasis and many of these symptoms will disappear.

How do you do this? That is the million dollar question. Offhand, in your case it seems like the stress energy is being stored in your neck muscles. Therefore I would recommend that you scream.

One needs to vent the stored stress energy in their neck muscles, vocal cords, and jaw. The best way is to scream at the top of your lungs several times. But this must be done in a socially acceptable manner. Never scream at a person. I live in the rural countryside and my dog is a free-range dog. When it is mealtime and my dog is up and about; I call my dog very loudly.

R-o-c-k-y. Come here puppy. R-o-c-k-y.
R-o-c-k-y. Where are you puppy? R-o-c-k-y.
R-o-c-k-y. Come here puppy.

I yell so loud that I can hear my voice being echoed back to me from nearby hills and mountains. My voice carries about a mile. The call is so strong that it borders on a roar. It is a very good feeling. It gives me a sense of great strength, like I could split a mountain in two just with my voice alone. I feel strong to my core. It is a great stress reliever or normalizer. And it is socially acceptable in the countryside.

One might try howling like a wolf at the moon. There is an individual in New York City that howls at the subway cars as they pass by deep down in the subway stations. But there are other ways to scream in a socially acceptable manner. A singer can do this if it is a very powerful song. A barker in the county fair can do this. A fan at a rock concert can sing along at the top of their lungs. Some commuters sing along to the tune on the radio at the top of their lungs while they are driving down the road. A spectator at a sports event can do this in cheering on their team. Even a Girl Scout can practice barking in front of the local grocery store when she sells Girl Scout cookies. Or find yourself a soundproof room.

Golden Rule: Never scream AT someone. Because this would be interpreted as an attack, a verbal assault.

This may not purge all your stored stress energy but it might be a good first step.

Scream therapy is a good idea if you have an isolated place to do it. Ive done it before back a trail in the woods to be sure no cops would show up from the screaming. If you try this I would suggest not going far into the woods so you don't get lost. If you cant do sceaming in nature try doing it at a rock concert like the above poster said. That would be very cathartic I think.