Depression is Back Once Again

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After my adventures with many medications, four hospital stays, ECT, and TMS, I thought I had finally managed to at least get my depression down to a manageable level. This past week, I've been feeling emotionally numbed, like I really can't feel much of anything (this is one form my depression sometimes takes, as opposed to the kind where I really feel horrible), and a day or two after that started, I started having more thoughts about wishing I was dead or dying, how nice it would be to just overdose on sleeping meds and fall asleep and never wake up, and wishing I had a terminal illness so nature would do the job for me. These thoughts have only been increasing since they appeared. I really don't want to go back to the hospital, but I'm afraid at this rate, that may be coming soon. It's just so crushing to endure this for fourteen years and to think I finally saw a light at the end of the tunnel of despair just to have it snuffed out before I could quite reach it.

I don't know why I'm bothering to post about this again. I've posted about it multiple times and no one's responded. In my last thread about depression and stuff (which I think was two or three years ago, granted), I had to flat-out ask for support multiple times in order to get anyone to respond. It's not like they can really help or reassure me, I'll grant them that. I guess all I really want is some kind of acknowledgement, maybe even some sympathy. But don't worry, if this goes ignored too I'll just stop annoying people by talking about it and otherwise carry on as usual. Goodness knows I've had more than enough experience being ignored that I darn well ought to be used to it by now.

Sorry to hear you're not doing well. There are a lot of stressors in the world this week. I'm not normally depressed, but have been feeling a touch of it myself. Have been trying to figure out some distractions. Not to the point that I'm goung to call a therapist, but it's kind if annoying.

Just wanted to tell you you're not alone.

I'm sorry that your depression has come back again. I thought maybe after the TMS that it would've been gone or at least not relapsed back to the position it was before. I hope you don't do anything drastic and I would be sad if you happen to come down with a terminal illness.

I usually respond if I see the posts but, I don't see all of them and don't know about it. If you want someone to talk to I'm always here! It's not annoying to me and I would be glad to help in whatever way I can.

{{{{ dragonsanddemons }}}}

I'm sending you hugs and support. I don't know what to say or how say it, but I hear you and I care. I'm so sorry you are having a recurrence of flatline depression. I've had it myself and it's very difficult to control. It doesn't help that you've also had bronchitis. Winter can make depression seem worse, too.

I'm always here if you need a friend.

Many warm hugs to you. I am sorry you are depressed again.

I'm sorry if I missed previous messages. I am sometimes hit or miss on catching what is going on. But I do care.

We do care. You give such great Dragon Hugs.

Did you get the apartment?

I know you’re a nice person. I wish this depression wasn’t happening to you.

Thank you, everyone, it really does help just to be reminded that people care.

I haven't found an apartment yet like I'd hoped to. We're deciding whether it would be a better idea to get me a place in Kansas City or if I should start with something closer so my parents are more readily available if I need their assistance (we're about a half hour drive from Kansas City).

I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling, i've lived with depression too though not as serious. Don't feel bad for venting and letting your feelings be known. You can pm me too if you want.

Do you like urban areas, and just feel better than in suburban or rural areas?

If you like the city and its access to services and culture, I would get an apartment in Kansas City.

If not, I wouldn’t get an apartment in the city.

I've never lived in an urban area, I really don't know how I'd do. I've spent all my life in suburbs, that's what I'm accustomed to. On the one hand, there are cheaper apartments (though I know some are cheap for a reason and I have to be careful about that), better public transportation, and more things available right nearby. On the other, it's noisy and crowded and could be a sensory nightmare for me. I'd probably have to walk my dog at busy times of day because it's not safe for a young woman to be walking the streets by herself at night, even if she has a big dog with a big bark. But maybe I'd be able to handle walking Merlin and a small outing or two if the rest of the time I was alone in my apartment. It could be great, or it could be horrible - I just won't know until I try it.

I hope the depression lifts.

Dear d&d ... my heart goes out to you. Depression can range from mild, to severe, and some “treatments” can do little, or do harm by way of increasing suicidal thoughts. So, I truly hope that a treatment plan that works for you can be found, so that you can find joy in life again. Living with depression can significantly affect a person's quality of life. In part, this is because a primary trait of depression is anhedonia — the inability to enjoy experiences that used to offer a sense of pleasure, such as eating good food, participating in hobbies, or having a loving relationship.

SSRIs can take a long time to start being effective, and many people with depression do not experience any improvements after taking them. They’re looking at new therapies all the time, and discovering things like galanin’s contribution in facilitating anhedonia. If they gain a good enough understanding of how galanin works in the brain, this could lead to new treatments not just for depression but also for addiction disorders. A malfunctioning reward circuit also characterizes these conditions. In the United States, more than 16.1 million adults have received an official diagnosis of major depressive disorder, according to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America. A great deal of research and discoveries are being made all the time, and all I can say from the heart is, please do not give up hope. You are not alone and while you might be feeling at your absolute lowest right now, in the future, an effective treatment may be found that changes everything. xx

Do you have any techniques you could try. to help when you start feeling that way? I have re-occuring chronic depression, don't think I have ever been totally free of it so I certainly kind of get where you are coming from. I seem to be managing it ok now...but it can feel like a constant effort sometimes.

It helps me if I can distract myself from the depressive thoughts, or if I try and clear my head...like just kind of make my brain take a break from the thoughts and come back to them later when it doesn't feel so overwhelming. Or I can try to make my environment more pleasant like maybe burn some incense or use an essential oil diffuser or maybe light a candle and just sort of try to enjoy that. Also in my case I do use cannabis so smoking a bowl can help mellow things for me, but that's not something everyone's into.

That said if you do need to go to the hospital, remember that is nothing to be ashamed of, the important thing is your health.