found out I have siblings

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Called my mother and told her that I found out that I have a younger brother and sister and was confused as to why she never told me my father had an affair and children with his second cousin. She screamed at me like a maniac, blamed me for the cancer that she is in remission for and wished cancer on me. Then, she abruptly hung up. A week later she sends me a coupon for a hair salon. I ripped it to shreads. I don't want anything to do with her. Has anyone had such a situation? I feel so hurt from all of it.

Seems like she still struggles with the trauma - it's BPD-like behavior, traumatized people often show such traits.
Better leave the topic alone, it's apparently some unbearable suffering for her.

Better to contact your "new" siblings yourself, without your mother's involvement. Maybe they will shed some light on the past if you approach them as potential friends and not as the results of your father's infidelity.

That's exactly what I did. It felt weird moreso that their mother is my father's second cousin. I just told them about health issues - they stand a chance of inheriting problems from their father's mother's side (my paternal grandmother) whom they know nothing about.
There is an issue with diabetes and autism. They seemed to appreciate the info. The autism really upset them - they have no children yet. Their mother is not so nice with me - I don't know why. I couldn't care less what my father did because there are probably more children with other women as well. The only thing that hurt is that his mistress/cousin tossed him aside for another man - that's why he stayed with us. He was a mean guy. The only boundaries he respected were his own and God forbid if you accidentally crossed them. He was mean to them too but unfortunately my own mother hung onto him for dear life much to my chagrin and pain. She made more money than him and didn't need him for support. How can you love a man who is vicious to your child ? As far as those siblings are concerned they are each at least 30 years younger than me so it's awkward still. I already knew my father was a jerk so this just added to it but my mother is the bigger jerk. I'm just pissed I was denied this info a long time ago. What is there to process now? My own children are not much younger than them. I'm especially pissed because all these years I blamed my self for an unloving father and the whole time he had a hidden family. Now, at almost 60 years old, I can be released from self-hatred - that a lot of years of self-blame. Can you guys feel me on this? I won't befriend them because they may have inherited his jerktitude.

I feel for you on being released from self hatered. It's never been your fault that your father was a jerk and your mother kept herself stuck in a toxic relationship with him. It was never my fault that my mother had emotional regulation issues. It was never my fault despite excessive guilt tripping me.
You are okay But you spent your childhood in a toxic environment

I would not de-friend someone unless I knew they had somehow inherited my dad's own "jerkitude".

Maybe suggest to everyone a 'reunion' of sorts, and see who responds in a positive way. If it goes over well, then you've gained something. If it doesn't, then you've lost nothing. Whaddaya think?

By what RG wrote, I understand the existence of these siblings triggers her mother to the point of near-insanity.
I would spare the old lady such a stress.

Of course. I would just invite the sibs and their families to an informal low-key event like an afternoon at a park or a backyard BBQ -- nothing fancy.

Thanks guys. "It's not your fault" feels good.

Naaaa...Of course, I'll always be civil. The two work where I grocery shop. It's a sister and her younger brother. Many other relatives on my father's side work there too. It's a known supermarket chain. I'm civil to all. The day they aren't with me will be the day I just go shop somewhere else. I'm too old for an ego fight and all that. "Ain't Nobody Got Time For That!!" Thanks for being there for me!! I'll be okay - I feel like a boil on a Unicorn's butt.

Last edited by RightGalaxy on 04 Feb 2020, 5:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.

How could any of this be your fault? Your mother was probably deeply affected by the whole thing, it might have been a shock for her that you found out. I'm sorry she lashed out at you like this, it would be indeed best to just not discuss this with her further.

Good luck and maybe you get to know them better and something good might come out of this mess

Thanks I know it's not my fault but when you grow up from infancy in such a family, it always feels that way. Sort of like "thinking" your feelings. One instinctively knows as an adult that it's not our fault but your childhood comes through and feels it is our fault. In the end, it isn't. But there may be some unstable adults who will punish you for knowing and say that it was your fault after all.

I understand, my biological family was a nightmare (fortunately I didn't spend much time with them); I found out I had a brother as a teenager and about my half-sister much later.

It's good to just deliberately remind yourself once in a while that you're now free of whatever guilt-trips and abuse they laid on your door

Ah well RG ... good luck with all that!

I have personal experience of such a discovery.

Your mother's reaction was unacceptable and if this is characteristic of her, please consider going no contact for good. I know that's easier said than done. But you have experienced a huge betrayal - in my opinion - and her inability (or refusal) to comprehend your experience is an omen that things will not improve.

Sometimes lies of omission told to us for decades are the hardest to forgive.

Thanks