People make me anxious

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MY anxiety likes to change topics to obsess over and it has chosen people which as someone on the spectrum is SUPER fun.

I think this all started out with the fact that more than once when I was out with a friend someone would stop and stare at just me and then walk off. The other day we were walking past a group and one of them actually turned their head to continue looking at me as they walked off in the opposite direction. I have mentioned how I usually look in another thread but rest assured nothing was at all alternative in how I was dressing on those days. This one friend I usually meet in the evenings and spontaneously so I wouldn't have been wearing any make up or clothes, rings, chains etc. I think I was wearing flannel? Anyway this made me panic and I just told myself the people were racist except that makes no sense bc I live in a not really racist city in the centre which is very diverse. It's been suggested it's because how I look but I struggle to digest that because I have only gotten over letting my self loathing telling me I look disgusting and those are some pretty strong reactions. Like stopping and staring at me? Really? As a result I still have anxiety and it tells me what is actually happening is they are sensing my autism - very paranoid, I know! It doesn't help that my friends saying people staring at you like that is indeed weird.

Socialising outside my friendship group is just becoming a mess. I just started worrying about how to ask my friend a simple question to the point I cried and now that the holiday is over I am supposed to just open up and talk to others? To make things worse there are three people who act weird with me and although my anxiety's first reaction was to jump the gun and say they hate me, their behaviour doesn't match that but is strange. I collect and store info on ppl and know what is average behaviour versus abnormal and, me repeating everything to others proves it is abnormal however we have no hypothesis and I cannot straight up ask about any of it. It is driving me crazy. I think should any of them talk to me I may burst into tears because they confuse me so which is bad because one is my language speaking partner and the other two are classmates I have to interact with.

My language partner is nice to me and I have her number but for some reason is only secretive when it comes to me about her social media and lied about using it. I have no idea why she did this and am frankly hurt but cannot ask because it makes me sound insecure and crazy. I guess I am both those things but it bugs me because it means I can't categorise what I am to her properly and the fact I simply don't understand it, means it drives me crazy.

The other one is a guy who seems to be very awkward with me and I can't tell if it is my fault or not and if it is my fault, I want to fix it. Sadly one cannot just go "Hey uh why are you so awkward with me and not really with anyone else? We have sat next to each other weekly for months and through observing your behaviour with others I know you are just being weird with me. What can I do to fix it?". His friend has also been weird with me and I assumed he hated me after he unfollowed me on social media which I took as a sign of hostility as it seems that usually when someone does that it is. That worked fine until they wished me happy birthday and I became very confused. Again, these sound very stupid but my inability to explain this weird behaviour leads me to thinking I'm a problem. You are supposed to fix problems. How do I fix it if I can't ask? I hate the idea that I make others uncomfortable and can't fix it.

These are the main people that act weirdly with me and no one else does. My issues with them are when I clearly say something wrong but as we are not close friends, they will not explain it and signal to me to stop as my friends would. So, occasionally people will laugh when I was not meaning to be funny etc and I then don't know what to do. They don't understand I want genuine criticism and so are too polite to tell me what to fix, even when I ask.

I am now terrified of returning to school as this will only get worse because I can't ask these questions as it is weird and I'm afraid to get judged and treated badly like I was in primary school. However I can't continue like this, it is draining. I think one day I will have a convo and all the calculations in my head will crash and I will burst into tears or that I shall have panic attacks this term again. Worse case scenario, this stress makes me lose big patches of hair again. I don't know how I'm supposed to continue and feel trapped.

Hi Iv - Sometimes, we can spend so much time overthinking and allowing these things to eat away at us, when we're maybe missing the big picture. You have so much going for you, whether you know it or not. One day, you just might look back at these College days and think "you know, I wish I hadn't spent so much of my time worrying what others thought of me. I could have been making the most of those days and enjoying the friendships I do have."

It might just be that this person you've been sitting beside, actually has feelings for you. Whether or not they do, best advice I can give, is just try getting through a day, putting aside care of whether or not someone thinks this or that of you. You are you. You come across here as pretty likeable and thoughtful of others. Time at High School, College, Uni etc is over in the blink of an eye, though it might not seem like it now. Try to NOT care so much what others think, and focus on feeling positive, feeling good about achieving your goals. Getting through each day, knowing you clearly do have friends around you(they've helped out in the past, and they have got your back from all you've mentioned previously). That's pretty special.

With all the stress and pent up emotion from worrying about other people's feelings towards you, how they see you, hope you're managing to release it somehow at the end of the day. eg through either exercise or relaxation. It's not healthy to be wound up to the point of exhaustion. You were worried about returning to College this week, after half-term, but I hope the thought of it, was worse than the reality. Spring is just round the corner now. Focus on the positive ... and if you're still keeping a journal, something to release your feelings down onto, that tends to help. Sometimes, we are our own worst enemies. xx