Unintentionally offending people has made me more avoidant

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It seems I anger people without the intention to, and I was wondering if anyone here has a similar situation? This has made me avoid people more and lose the incentive to seek out friends and social activities.


Examples:

One time I was talking to a guy about his graduate program, and I asked him how hard it was compared to other universities (I named a couple that are known for having more competitive admissions), and he answered "Hey, thanks for undermining my achievement". I asked him because I was interested in the program as well, but it seems like he took it as a mocking statement, I don't know.

One time I received a wrong order, and I had to call customer service. I explained my issue to the person on the phone, and I ended it "did you follow all of that?", and she flipped out on me, asking me, "What do you mean 'do I follow'??" and went on a close to 1-minute rant about "you need to respect me". I was genuinely concerned that she understood my situation correctly

At an old job, a co-worker burst into shocked laughter because I commented that our supervisor has a useless major. I asked him 'why is that funny?' and he answered 'because you're so blunt!'

At another job, I would repeatedly get in trouble for telling customers that we'll be closing in five minutes (I will never work retail again, by the way, but that's for another thread).


It seems like there's a secret code to talk to people, a code that I never learned.

Frequently. Though knowing the reasons why on my part, I still find baffling and infuriating.



An understandable reaction, but one that I'm hoping you don't over rely.

The examples you give, I have personally been in similar scenarios to before.

They seem to all link to your body language and intonation.

So, from your subjective point of view, you speak and react in a way you feel is appropriate.

But with Autism, we can be unaware that the way we are speaking and coming across is almost the opposite of our intentions.

In each example, your responses are appropriate, but how you've delivered them (without realising and through no fault of your own) has muddled the emotion and context, giving off the wrong impressions, if that makes sense?



It has took me years of practice, failed friendships, relationships, job interviews, and everything in between to even begin to grasp social etiquette. Almost fascinating how you can utter one or a few words in an unintended displayed emotion, and completely alter how you are perceived in a conversation, active or passing.

Half of the battle is won when you are surrounding by genuinely empathetic and sympathetic people who like you for who you are as a person on the whole, doubtful through retail though . And I am perfectly aware that this doesn't come easier either.

Take comfort knowing you're not alone (a platitude, but still true), and that in time, through perseverance, trial, error, confusion and angst, social interaction should come easier.

yes. I'm very discouraged. It has not gotten all that much better except now that I am older I can handle basic etiquette. People think I am a b*tch. And I don't mean to be. I don't know what the answer is. Except to just go mute and not do anything but facial expressions. Generally speaking we are using a different lingo than most of the population. I've been accused of 'talking proper'. Or whatever. I'm not even that educated. I have 'emotional dysregulation' too, that seems like a euphemism but my emotions are extremely intense, especially in romantic situations. It's kind of a trainwreck. My speech has softened quite a bit over the years but I used to sound like an encyclopedia. What I feel like is basically I am offensive when I am being the only way I know how to be. The last run-in recently I had with trying to be like a normal person has convinced me to never do it again. It's not possible and regular humans seem to end up hating me. I'm so tired of it.

I don't think it's worth the effort to try to alter ourselves into some kind of thought and speech pattern affect that we can't do because our brains don't process that way and we can't see all the cues people are reacting to. It's like them walking up to someone in a wheelchair and saying 'get up, we know you can walk'. I can't. I can't do it. I have been trying for decades.

I am fine spending most of my time alone. I don't need a lot of friends and stuff. One thing that hasn't gotten better, which has actually gotten worse, is the anxiety I now have, because I am so aware there is something wrong with me and just basically different from most people I encounter. That as hard as I try I am going to get it wrong and offend someone, and most likely come off like a freak. That's how I feel. I wish I had more encouraging words. The situations you described could be straight out of my own life. The worst for me are a)trying to fit in with other females in a group, that is torture, asd females many times can't do that pecking order b.s. and b) trying to come across as not a b*tch to NT males because of my over-emotionalism and my directness/eye contact/lack of manipulative flirtatious behaviors that NT females seem to be born able to do. To me it feels like asking permission to exist, 'please don't kill me', whatever. I'm pretty much done with trying to change this stuff because it hasn't budged in all this time.

I just have my life fixed so I don't have to deal with it. I don't work in groups of NT females if I can help it. Because in the end I won't be able to and if it's a job I always end up quitting. Their behavior is so bizarre to me. Like they go to the bathroom in groups and wait on each other to pee. wth? I try to work jobs where I am mostly by myself. I spend most of my time alone and I don't really have romantic relationships. I'm content and when i venture out and try I usually get reminded of why I can't do it.

Story of my life.

I don't care any more. I've found my lane and I'm sticking to it.

This has happened to me pretty regularly throughout my life. I'm often not aware of what's caused the issue.

Neither will anyone else, the way things are going.