Not feeling well ( Mentally ) again

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Sigh, it's been almost a year since I last posted here. I noticed a very odd pattern. Whenver I go through things it's always on a weekend where I can't get in touch with my therapist, or case manager for my therapist that keeps in touch with me for my well being.


Over the past few months I've been doing alot better, I deal with Aspergers. PTSD, Chronic Depression.
Back in January I decided to let go of alot of toxic people in my life & Felt better ever since.

I really can't pinpoint what's bothering me, my next therapy session is on Monday. . . over the phone, haven't had a actually therapy session in person since March before my area started closing down because of Covid 19.

So here it goes

Having Therapy sessions on the phone are great, but is very limited than actually being in person to talk. I go to therapy every week, been doing so for the past 2 years. It's been helping me stay on track without relapsing back to cutting , abusing painkillers to numb my mental state


I got along with my new therapist, I was really lucky to have her because the therapist I had before her, I was very close with, she reminded me of my teacher from kindergarden, she retired. The one I got after her dropped the ball on me when she told me she was relocating and will be leaving the company. I was like OH MY GOD ! !! !, ( I wasn't upset or anything, it just felt like I had to say goodbye to someone I bonded with again )


It also hit me hard because of the COVID 19 issue, to where I can only have phone sessions and not in person, which I very grateful for because they could've easily shut down the offices with no other resources.


I was so dreading that day when I had my last phone session with my therapist, I felt horrible. But I was also scared because I wouldn't be able to have a therapy session until a month later because the people at the office had to assign their clients to other therapists which took a while.


Lucky for me, my previous therapist linked me up with another therapist who is very similar to her , personality wise.
Had a great session with her for the first time a few weeks ago. But it still feels half empty since it's over the phone


A few months ago, I lost in contact with one of my good friends on facebook whom I've never met but known for almost 6 years. We were very close, I know she didn't block me, vice versa, because facebook started acting odd and next thing you know when I made a new profile, her profile wouldnt pop up but her emails still showed up on my messenger, I guess she deactivated it. During times when I felt hopeless I would reach out to her and she would know what to say to cheer me up.. People really underestimate internet friends, I never talked to her on the phone, only on FB, met her through a asexual group on there. I really miss her. I'm going to look through my old email account and check my sent email to see if I can find her email address to I can contact her.

Back in 2017 I lost my nephew ( my yorkie, I considered him my nephew, my sisters dog ) that was extremely rough on me, before we put him down because his cancer was getting worse. I had a mental breakdown and cut off my dad side of the family.

My dad's oldest son ( We have the same dad, not same mom ) molested me when I was younger and that's the reason why I had such a hard time finding myself, or feeling comfortable around other guys, including my own dad because of what his son did to me. Tried killing myself plenty of times throughout 20 + years because of this, but have no desire to do that now, When I reached my breaking point when hanging around my dad because he kept bringing him around me ( He didn't know what happen ) until I had enough and talked to his oldest daughter about it and I talked to my dad about it in front of it.

Long story short, they didn't believe me, because the day after they kept asking if I wanted to go to church to go see him get baptised, nah I'd rather see him get thrown off a cliff lol just joking . I just don't want to be around him, never want to see him again in my life.

And because they ( my dad and his oldest daughter ) didn't respect my wishes or not mentioning him to me, or bringing him around me. I cut them off for 3 years, no contact at all.

My grandmother ( Dad's mom ) contacted me saying it was my dad's birthday and wanted me to call him. Which I had no problem doing. She asked me very nicely, she's ill with stomach cancer, and had alot of surgeries, I'm not sure how much time she has left and I havent seen her in 3 years. So I did it, only for her. I was able to do it. She knows that her granson molested me and totally understands why I haven't been around. Before seeing her again, I kept calling her the day I was going to see her, asking if he was going to be around, she kept reassuring me that he WILL NOT be around, I trust her, she has no reason to lie to me.


When I saw her, I was so happy to see her because I thought I would never see her again, because when I told myself back in 2017 that I will never be back because it would be very hard to see my grandma again because my dad is always around which I understand, but when my dad is around............... his son is there 9 times out of 10. and I did not want to cause serious harm to him or myself.


Anyways, back in 2017 before removing myself, I saw my great grandmother, she was laying down watching tv, I was laying next to her, she was really happy to see me because she didn't get to see me too often because I kept away, she didnt know the reason why. When laying next to her, I kept having this feeling in my mind that I will never see her again after this, because I'm about to distant myself for a few years, She had quite a few health problems and was in her 90's when she passed a few years later.

That was rough, my dad doesn't know how much this has damaged me and I know he will never understand that which is fine with me, but I understand for myself that I cant be around anyone that doesn't respect my feelings....... I'll go deeper with that..... My Safe Being.

Back to the day when I saw my dad the other day, just a few days ago. Everything went well.
I was happy to see him, we get along great, he just doesn't compehend things well at all, it's like dealing with a brick wall, so I've become immune to it only to a certain period, We went out to eat, it was me, grandmother, dad, his gf.

This is where things turn left for me. We were on our way back to his house, my grandmother was talking about how her pastor was sought to be arrested for child molestation for the 2nd time, My dad was like " People like that should be arrested" just saying alot of stuff about should be done to that person. In which I agree, but he doesn't feel the same way about his son whom did that to me. I looked at my grandma, she looked at me, and we both just shooked our heads at him.

I let it roll off my back, so then we go to his oldest daughter's house , she was all happy to see me and was wondering why I haven't been around, she knew why, I can tell by the way she hugged me, but she thought I made it all up. . But I got over it and put on a fake smile, and once I got back home , I felt relieved , a few days later, hanged out with my dad again. Everything went well until he made a comment about me not being around for 3 years he said

" Whatever you were going through with yourself, I hope you got through it and dont disappear again like that "

That did it lol.....................I can't do it anymore, I can't take the sideshots from him. I love my dad, but I have to keep him at a distance. If I have to go away forever , I honestly do not mind, I'll just stay in touch with my Grandmother and Uncle

I'm glad that it only took me 2 visits to know that I was too fragile to handle that kind of environment, because relapsing on cutting would've been in nearsight. Next thing you know I'm on my playstation 4 playing a game called Yakuza 5, one of the characters you play as is a young girl named Haruka, is a aspiring singer, and in one of the cutscenes before she goes on stage to practice her vocals, a creepy manager that's not her gets aggressive with her and one of the other girls exitings out of the dressing room and comes to her aid and saves her from being abused, if that didn't struck me.............. that's when I had to come on here and let it all out


After next week, I'm going to go visit a friend of mine who lives about 2 hours away from me just to get away, they know alot about me and my personal issues and has been a great help to me, now all of a sudden they tell me they do Cocaine occasionally. I swear I can't catch a break ! ! I don't like being around people who do those types of drugs because I've been around too many people who did it and next thing you know something terrible happened. I don't know if I even want to visit now, I was just doing this to get away for a week to reset my mind. I can't wait for therapy on monday. I really hope I can hold out until then, I know I will

It just seems like it's a long time from now when you're in the mindset I'm currently in. I haven't been this burned out in a long time and I dont want to jynx myself.

It's so much other things going on , but my hands hurt and I feel like it's just alot , Thanks to those who read this and I hope you're doing wonderful

Here I go adding more stuff, forgot to add I haven't been this isolated to this degree, I haven't been on social media for 6 months since my last self harm event. Been feeling very displaced for a while. I always get scared around this time of year because of my mom's check up with her doctor ( She was diagnosed with breast cancer 10 years ago, she finished chemo , radiation, and took a pill for 5 years after those treatments and is doing ALOT better ) but it's the annual checkup she has with her Gynecologist that scares the heck out of me when that 2 week waiting period for the test results come back. I feel like knocking myself out when that time comes.

I'm very close with my mom and that side of the family.

Forgot to add ( I promise this is the last time ) I know some of the isolation has to be related to being shut in the house with covid 19 scare. My only outlet was going to physical therapy for my wrist that I have to get surgery on to reattached. I finished up my last session, I felt like crying because I had to say goodbye to everyone for now lollllllll and now I really feel shut in the house.

I'm sorry to read about the difficulties you have been through.
I hope writing it all down got you over the weekend and that your therapy on Monday was productive.

Virus restrictions have really made things difficult. Hopefully things will change for the good.

{{{{ Tirips }}}} From someone who knows exactly where you’re coming from and has managed things as you have ... eg cutting father out of life through necessity for the same unbelievable thing.

Hope your Mother is doing well now ... I lost mine at 5 yrs. Glad you’ve been able to talk to a therapist about your life, something I never could do. Stay strong.