Feeling hopeless

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I am feeling hopeless about ever getting better, especially these days. I took an online college course for the last few months but it didn’t make me feel like I was evolving as a person. My family is pressuring me to do another course for the summer and I feel anxious about it since I’ve taken summer courses before and they are very intense since they tend to be short. I am worried about getting a bad grade and it would also mean I paid a large sum for nothing since even junior college courses are not cheap. I am way behind my siblings in regards to education and they all have careers. The amount of classes I have to take for even an Associate’s Degree is daunting and my job interferes with how many classes I can take.

I am currently taking a full dose of the medication I’ve been on for two months now and it’s not helping me deal with the depression I suffer from daily. Just like with previous medications, it no longer has an effect on my brain like it’s gotten used to the medicine.

I keep having bizarre or horrific dreams every night (possibly the side effect of taking melatonin before bed) and when I wake up, I am assaulted with negative thoughts. I fear what will happen if my car breaks down for good, if I will ever move out of my mother’s house, will I ever make new friends (and if they will even last), will I ever get talented at anything, and will I ever have a girlfriend after being single since 2010.

I feel like I am on the verge of a mental breakdown. I can’t find enjoyment in anything and seeing other posts makes me feel more depressed.

How did you do in your last course?

I made passing grades but it’s only a drop in the bucket towards getting a degree and it didn’t change my social situation. I am thinking of leaving this place like Sweetleaf did but unlike her, I won’t get the same amount of well wishes. Most here just want me gone.

I get more & more bored with fewer people I know here. Having a serious career hasn't done anything for me in these regards either & I feel similar, if anything I have a harder time than you seem to in terms of expressing my emotions about it. I'll start one thread (maybe) & just ramble until my ramblings become relevant to somebody.

I hope you & Sweetleaf stick around.

I hope you stick around too. I would miss you if you left

I feel like my brain chemicals were going out of control until a while ago. I am taking a full dose of abilify rather than a half so my brain is probably reacting strongly to it.

It sounds like you're in a bad place at the moment, please don't leave there are people here that like you.

I am indeed in a bad place. I can’t escape the bad thoughts that plague me every day and there are no solutions in sight.

My mind is telling me I’ll never have a girlfriend, I won’t get my college degree anytime soon, I won’t learn anymore songs on my guitar, I won’t draw ever again, I will always live with my mother until I die, I will always work at the job I hate and continue to get abused, and I am not meant for life.

That's Depression. Depression will say nasty things to you until you believe them. Please keep in touch with your psychiatrist. If you need to have a mental breakdown like you've described, let someone know so that you'll get good care. Many of us here have Depression and we understand how it feels. You aren't alone.

Have you got a good GP that you can talk to? they might give you some medication that will help you.
I'm in a bad place at the moment and there are people trying to help me, I hope there are people to help you.

I see a psychiatrist and recently had a medication increase but it’s not helping me.

I am going from bad to worse now. I could barely get out of bed and I keep lying around on couches feeling dysphoric.

As Isabella said, that's depression hijacking your mind to undermine you.

If you can't focus on learning other people's songs, why not try to write one? Clearly there's a huge amount of emotional content you need to process and work through, so instead of listening to the part of your mind that's trying to drive you towards giving up entirely, tell it to f**k off with all the anger it deserves for constantly putting you in this place and focus that anger towards proving it wrong. That part of your mind is your enemy and I wish you could convince yourself that it is wrong.

And, if you don't have a clue how to start:

2--3--5--8--9
2--3--5--8--9
0--1--3--6--7

Start putting those in patterns, maybe not even with the goal of coming up with a song, maybe just as an excuse to let your guitar do the screaming for you for awhile. I usually leave mine in drop-tunings just for that reason. Sometimes just making angry noises can help with coping with those feelings.