Too much of life is spent in impressing

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This is something I've been thinking about in lockdown where I've felt more free to do things which specifically make me happy without thinking about the social 'image' of a thing. It's also something I've been coming around to thinking over the years, long story short, I had a breakdown trying to fit a lot of certain 'images'.

Society is set up so we try to be some form of perfection. For NTs esp when they're young, this is often about being 'cool'. Some autistic people try that too but it's rare we manage it. And if we do then imo it tends to be effortless for us - about seizing something different and being lucky enough that NTs think it's cool rather than uncool.

Another thing we do is try to be 'grown up'. Whether that's as kids when we try to seem more grown up than we are (ties in with the cool thing) or when we're adults when we push away the things that made us happy as kids. Again, especially NTs are prone to this nonsense. Want to be grown up? It doesn't matter if you play with toys, just don't hate people for trivial reasons or engage in schoolyard gossip.

For a lot of autistic people, society pushes us away from the first ones. So we graduate to something else. In my experience and opinion that tends to be wanting to be seen as 'clever'. I've had that pretty much all my life. I'm glad of it in some ways, it's allowed me to read classics for eg because I wanted to be 'someone who reads Joyce for fun' but it's also pushed away other pleasures - I didn't want to be 'someone who watches TV for fun'. I spent school and uni getting good grades but then tried to be in the workplace and they wouldn't have me, in spite of the grades that I thought were a passport to success. (so if you're wanting commercial advice, don't take mine This is about happiness not finances).

In lockdown especially but after my breakdown in general, I've been thinking 'screw that'.

If you want to do something, don't worry about how it's perceived. Of course worry about its consequences - there's more to why not to bully someone than fear of being seen as a bully for eg - but if all the consequences are harmless and it makes you happy, go for it.

This has been allowing me to revel in things from watching TV to reading more slowly and taking in the books I love so much in a more in depth way to even discovering old childhood favourites like marbles again. And I've enjoyed it. So this is my encouragement to you that, whatever (harmless thing) it is you want to do deep down, hang the consequences of 'but that makes me the type of person who ...' or 'but that doesn't fit my cool/grown up/clever image'.