I am already an anxious person but this situation is really making it worse. First, naturally, my contact with people has been limited. This situation has me dealing with this weird situation where on one hand, many of my close friends have disappeared and then simultaneously people who I have never spoken to ever before are speaking to me very frequently. I of course cannot just enjoy having some virtual company, instead I am over analysing their motives. I can get used to the regulars but the ones who pop up once in a blue moon despite me having barely spoken to them to ask me random questions stress me out. Surely they should just ask their friends these questions? why me? That is one stressful thought cycle.
Awhile ago I posted a thread about people staring at me and how my friend told me it was in my head until one time a guy stopped, stared at me for 5 seconds and then walked off, another time a woman turned her head to stare at me as she walked past and a third time a group passed and one guy in the group turned his head back to stare at me as the group passed. I made the mistake of mentioning in it I sometimes wear odd clothes but in all those instances I was wearing very basic odd clothes with no make up. This started, or at least I noticed it only a couple months ago and after that saw more and more people staring at me which led to me trying to blend in further. I spoke to a family member and believe it or not this happens with her and a few other members of the family. However I don't get it, I'm not ridiculously attractive or anything and so then I get confused as to why which sends me into another cycle. Depending on my level of anxiety I can come up with some pretty crazy theories.
My last major thought cycle is around how people treated me before this. I have found I am often treated quite strangely but there are a few things that stand out. One is the fact that when I was in secondary school at different points three different guys just randomly started to flat out ignore me. They wouldn't even look at me. One used to constantly talk to my friends and ignore everything I said, not even looking at me and another would go out of his way to talk to every person in the area and skip me, not even looking in my direction and being cold. Literally the day before with each things were going well. I also have people being awkward with me. My friend had a sibling who used to tease me and make fun of me a lot but after I showed I was self conscious one day stopped spending time with us when I cam over and afterwards was just very awkward and has been ever since and it has been years. I have no idea why. Just in general apart from that there are people who are confident with others but really awkward around me, with people commenting on their strange behaviour. I don't get it at all so I think about it over and over and make crazy and often very self deprecating theories.
I think about these things over and over and I am growing more and more frustrated. I wish I could distract myself with my friends like I used to be able to do before.
27 May 2020, 1:02 am
