Why do narcissists always want you to dump your family?

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I don't like to throw around terms like narcissism lightly but my last two relationships involved people telling me my family must be no good and they must have screwed me up and I shouldnt talk to them.

When these same people want something from me and are manipulating me, this is 1 massive red flag why I think that they are narcissists. Because they both suggested to me not to meet with my parents anymore.

My parents treat my nicer than either of those two people, who simply wanted to mould me in their own images, it seems, and thats why they want to destroy my support network.

Am I right in saying that an aquantance of mine has no right to tell me to cut off my family (no matter what they might be like).


How do I deal with this? I never complain or speak ill of my family but I have admitted bad things that happened in my past, as everyone has bad things in their past.

But I guess that was my mistale right?

Never admit anything bad from your past or they could use it against you later!! !

In general, I'd say no-one has a right to tell you who to talk to. They can make suggestions, but not command. So "Every time you talk to X it upsets you. Do you really need that stress?" is a bit different from "Don't talk to X", particularly if the latter is accompanied by some other form of bribe or threat.

Where this gets tricky is if they are saying things because they genuinely think it's for your own good, but you can't see it. Sometimes when partners or parents are abusive it becomes second nature to apologise for them, or even deny it's happening in the first place. The person advising you could also feel stressed or threatened, it would be worth asking them if that's the case.

If it's clearly being done to separate you from support / reality, yes that's a control thing and clearly bad news, run away!! Likewise with any attempt to control friendships, leisure activities, personal spending etc.

So they have no one with whom to compete for your attention and/or affection.  Stand up to a narcissist and he or she will eventually dump you to seek out a more pliable victim.

Now the question is, "Why do certain people seem to attract only narcissists?"

I've had this problem on WP before. Many years ago I wrote a thread ranting about an argument between me and my mother, and the thread ended up with loads of replies telling me that my mother is and always was a bad parent and that I should get away from her as far as possible. I hated it. I know my own mother and she is NOT a bad parent. I don't want strangers on the internet trying to tell me otherwise. My mother is the best friend I'll ever have.

I was married to a narcissist for almost 15 years - and I was better for it. Some can have some excellent qualities for an aspie female. I should also say that I am a very stubborn person and so wasn't pushed around - but he did push me into doing things that I could never have done on my own (a good thing). He was extroverted, a very hard worker, always learning something new, stayed interesting, was self-absorbed enough to allow me needed downtime, he had a toned down side that he used with me, he was animated and blunt and I almost always knew where I stood.
Yes I had to "pat him on the back" a lot but we made a joke of it, I rarely had to worry about anything while we were together and I got the attitude that "everything has a way of working itself out". I still believe that which helps a lot with my wellbeing. He could be a bit of a tool but you have to take the good with the bad. His intentions confused me sometimes but never made me feel stupid. If I was sick or burnt out he always looked after everything including the kids - I didn't even have to ask.

And he separated me from my family too. But that was fine with me. I never felt like I fit in to my family, my town, the limited choices I would have had I stayed. Way before I met him I wanted to get away! We made our own life in another province. I flew to visit my family every year and someone came to stay with us most years too, no problem.

A classic Narcissist or a person with NPD* wants to alienate you from your family / friends so that you won't have a support system. They do this so they can manipulate you, and you won't get feedback and warnings about their behaviour from other people. When a Narcissist becomes your only frame of reference about what's "normal", it's much easier to believe their BS and let your guard down. Then they can feast on your soul by gaslighting, and by making you dependent on their affection.

I'm not saying that your friend had these intentions, but this is how Narcissists operate, even if it's subconscious on their part.

* Yes, I realise not all Narcissists have NPD.

** Furthermore, not all people who advise us to avoid other people are Narcissists. Sometimes they do have our best interests at heart.

I for one was never gaslit (is that a word haha). Always encouraged and allowed to remain independent. Neither of us controlled the other, we set boundaries yes, but no control. Neither of us appreciated being told what to do!

I was going to post my thoughts on this subject, but Isabella has already posted everything I was going to say in a more eloquent way than I likely would have.

I think it's because I have overshared. What was bothering me. What's happened to me in the past. What my fears are. Even indirectly I might let someone know what my fears are, by my words (if I am lonely I might use the word lonely in a sentance that I think is not about me - I don't have to actually say 'I feel lonely' but women will get the message just from hearing the word - and I don't police my every throught to stop certain words coming out - this is just an example, I might not even know the words I use that tip people off to certain things.)

I have had a few narcissistic people as friends of my life and so far; I have only one a set of them tell love bomb me about how abusive my own parents are to me, which is true. However, that was after they had the nerve to stab me in the back 6 months earlier. It was only when they wanted sympathy from me over some bad choices.

The last friend who was I associated with was a narcissistic abuser, never told me that my family was bad. Rather, he demonized his brother-in-law, by telling me that he was a loser who was mean when it sounds like it was the other way around. It sounds like his brother-in-law knows what's going on.

@op, the answer is very very lengthy. There is a difference between narcissistic and NPD. If anyone has ever met a true narcissist it is no joke. It leaves damage. I know this subject somewhat but Dr. Ramani has full explanations in various NPD topics:

https://www.youtube.com/user/DoctorRamanDurvasula/videos

It depends on the circumstances: if you're dealing with an actual narcissist or abuser then read this again, it's 100% true:

On the other hand, if you talk to a stranger or acquaintance and only tell them bad things about someone, they might be genuinely worried for you. (I've seen this with a colleague who would incessantly tell us (uninvited) only horrible details about his partner's behaviour and when others suggested he might be better off out of the relationship, he got extremely angry. Needless to say, nobody offered him a friendly ear after this).




This is a common problem for people on the spectrum: not knowing how much is safe to share and with whom. If you want to play it safe, go on a "need to know" basis with people you're not close to. Only share such intimate feelings and thoughts with close friends and try to keep it balanced: from their point of view if all they hear about someone they don't know is bad, they will form a negative opinion. Sometimes I also tell my friends: "I'm super annoyed right now, I just want to vent" and this tells them there's no need to offer solutions and that I might exaggerate due to frustration.

No matter which one it is, nobody has the right to tell you to break ties with your family. You're actually in control of what boundaries you set with people so tell them politely that you appreciate their concern, but it's your decision to make. If they keep at it tell them less politely to piss off.

Narcissm/NPD is a spectrum, something like ASD. Some narcissists aren't as bad as others. They're generally bad news, but there are exceptions.