Advice requested: Being used

Post Reply New Topic

Ok so I know for some people this has an obvious cause and solution.

For empathetic types how can you stay true to your natural way of being without being used for others agendas?
I mean how to protect yourself and what red flags should you look out for?

As there is turmoil here atm, please no snipping or passive aggression, constructive and polite advice welcome

I don't know because despite my experiences I still can get caught out with that one. I can see patterns of things prett well, but somehow I still end up being taken advantage of.

This happens to me too and it's a tough one. After having some bad experiences, I'm often torn between the desire to help and the suspicion I might get myself into an impossible situation.

I try to pay attention to the person's general behaviour and make up my mind if they are either deliberately or unwittingly trying to use me. I generally stay away or back off if people respond to it rudely, go the "you're either with me or against me" route or get snippy if I don't respond to them fast enough or in the way they expected.

It's not foolproof and it's often hard to judge, especially when someone is extremely upset, seemingly intoxicated, deeply depressed or suicidal, acts impulsively, or has been traumatised in the past. It can be a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation as I sometimes end up either regretting getting involved or feeling guilty I haven't

I strongly suspect it's mostly a matter of boundaries: the best I've managed so far is offering a friendly ear but telling people I can't discuss certain subjects with them or get involved in personal conflicts as I'm not good at mediating.

To avoid being used some red flags I look for is how people react to certain things and how honest they are in general, I guess. That's vague, but to be more precise if I can't do something simple for someone because I'm legitimately busy, but always am doing things for them, and they get angry I'll take note of that, and watch for if that happens again. If they continuously ask me for things, such as money, and promise to do things for me in return and then either get irritated when asked or just never follow through, I take note of that. If I'm constantly essentially being treated as someones personal therapist and they get irritated/ignore me whenever I mention an issue I'm having I'll try to remember that. Etc, etc.

The main way I can try to see if someone is using me is basically I try to see how much I'm doing for them and how much they're willing to do for me, and if there's a huge discrepancy there that I notice I will start to set more boundaries, which usually will confirm if someone is using me because they will immediately get angry at that instead of being understanding or asking me why (without being accusatory or aggressive). I don't usually expect much out of people anyways, as I like to be independent, but if I see that I'm constantly doing things for someone I'll test the waters and see how they react to being asked to do similar things.

To be honest though, my way of figuring this out still basically involves being used a bit before I notice it. I'm not great at recognizing immediately when I'm being used since I like to help people, and when doing so I have a bad habit of giving people the benefit of the doubt when I suspect they're not treating me right since I don't want to be rude or unnecessarily upset people.

If a person always finds a reason to disregard your advice, no matter what, I would run far, far away.

I've been used all my life. Most of the time I only recognized it retroactively.

My work with hospice families and families of people with developmental disabilities has been a real blessing because it has provided me with, technically speaking, a lot of data about the way people behave. With a lot of data points, I can start to see patterns and identify the "users" within the family. I am a pattern learner.

It is more difficult, of course, to see it in my own life.

Like you, Amity, I want to be the warm, loving and helpful person (I think) I am. If I put up walls and barriers to protect myself from other people, whether they are users or abusers, it hurts my soul and what I am. Inside, I feel resentments that can develop into bitterness. Hurting my soul, whether with resentment, anger, etc., hurts me more than anything else can. It took me a long time to reach that conclusion and longer to implement a change.

So, the goal changes from avoiding being used, (trying to recognize a user), to preserving my soul (or inner self, or whatever term you like.)

Like everything else about coping as aspie, I need to learn my limits - not boundaries necessarily, but limits: how many spoons do I have. If I have plenty of spoons, I can help in many cases. If I don't have any spoons, or my spoons are already committed to something else.

If a person requests more spoons than I have, I can decline with compassion, because my answer is firmly set in my soul.

It's harder than that, of course. I am not able to articulate well something that is essentially ineffable, but this is an attempt to explain my persective.

Hmm, great responses, food for thought, thank you all.

I'm kinda thinking out loud as I go... it is quite difficult to recognise in the moment when a person is using you, that's a common theme.
It's the same for me, I usually dont recognise it until afterwards, although I am quite wary of people who make promises for the future.
Its a difficulty in assessing in real time whether an action would be in sync with the helpful aspects of me or lead to me realising that the person I helped placed little value on my efforts. I guess observing for patterns of complacency in general could be helpful.
It's a risk and being taken for granted sucks, yet to not help someone who needed it would feel to me quite wrong.

Glibness and other insincere ways of communicating could be another sign, as a person on the autism spectrum I think I'm more easily fooled by these, it's like having a type of blindness in that area. Seeing the red flags, but not interpreting them accurately.

I get a sixth sense type of feeling about situations sometimes though and when I'm well my gut/intuition is a good guide. Unfortunately though some of the time it's the sensation of being triggered by the familiarity of a bad situation, and that is not helpful.

A gut feeling comes out of nowhere, is subtle and hardly speaks up. A fear is generally more present, obvious and is already there.

Spoon theory
Its original form is aimed at people with chronic ailments eg Chrons disease.

For folk on the spectrum the spoons can relate to the energy reserves for social, sensory, communication and repetitive needs/abilities.

Magz introduced me to:

Okay more thoughts...

Having a steadfast sense of inner self...

That's one I'm still working on, it's that moment of doubt I get when I would like to help someone that I need to reconcile with, perhaps the energy accounting/spoon theory should be my safeguard when I have those doubts.
Practice makes perfect, or at least an improvement

So values and sense of self, need to take a backseat when my reserves are low.
This is basic self care, on a deeper level I guess I have more work to do in this area.
I know these things, but I'm not doing self care long enough to have altered my instincts... the emotional tug I feel when someone needs help is almost one movement with the act of helping.

When reserves are low, the first priority is you. You need to do whatever it takes to restore you. Ideally, this becomes a core value.

I did wonder if you were ok Teach, I am sorry to read that.
On that note Magz is also posting less often, I hope she is managing to be well.