Feeling lower than ever before.

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I wish I could go back to how I was earlier in the year before COVID came along and messed up everything. I didn’t know I could feel any lower than I do now. Ever since April, I have been spiraling downward deeper to depths mentally I have never been before.

I can’t sleep without medication now since my mind will swarm with negative thoughts to the point I get insomnia but even when I wake up, I don’t want to get out of bed. If I don’t have to work, I’ll just lie there until half of the day is gone. I suffer from anhedonia and can’t find any enjoyment out of anything. I had some books in mind that I thought I would enjoy reading but I found them frustrating instead. Reading used to help my mind and now it is a source of stress for me. I haven’t touched my guitar for a few weeks now and don’t know if I ever will again since I can’t get better at it. Even if I try playing a video game, I still think about my struggles instead of getting distracted from them.

I can’t listen to music I like without feeling defeated since I can’t make my own and all the years I tried to do so were for nothing. This also ties in with the problem I have with video games, especially ones that have well-established composers. I am even questioning my status as a fan of the various mediums I like. It doesn’t matter if it’s comics, anime, manga, video games, music, and science fiction of any avenue. I have all these ideals that my mind keeps bringing up that tell me I am lacking in regards to being a consumer of these things.

When will the TMS start?

Still haven’t gotten an appointment scheduled. I had to give written permission to the clinic for my mother to pay for the procedure.

I really hope TMS will fix my malfunctioning brain. I want to actually live and not suffer anymore.

I think about death every day. It doesn’t matter what I do. Thoughts of death cloud my mind.

Why was I even born?

I hope it comes soon. I can’t stop feeling horrible with each passing day.

None of my friends who live in my area play musical instruments or show any interest in doing so.

I have a lot of regrets that I’ll never be able to make up for. A major one was walking out on Black Sabbath when they came to perform at Dallas for Ozzfest 2005. It wasn’t that I didn’t like their performance but I had school the following day so I felt like I needed to go back home sooner rather than later and I stupidly thought hearing them perform a handful of songs off the Paranoid album was going to be enough. Now that the band is broken up, all chances to make up for that moment are gone forever.

I feel so stupid for walking out. Black Sabbath’s music was better than any of the mainstream rap, country, and radio rock the kids at school liked and it was a rare opportunity to see a legendary band perform.