Oh heck, you've all been laughing at me...

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I'm new here, I just needed to write, to get out what is inside.

I really hate labels, so despite knowing my whole life I was somehow "different" I just carried on as if I was somehow mostly normal. I'm older now - middle aged most would call it. The few "mental health professionals" I have visited have looked at me in disbelief when I question whether I have aspergers/autisim - the response is always "Oh, Yes, you fit the profile perfectly". I have depression, and a tablet for that (But also, I challenge you all - Cognitive Behavioural Therapy [Disputation, Affects Labelling, Positive modelling] you can do yourself if need be, you have the brain, and you have more ability to change, understand and overcome than any neurotypical), I have been given Ritalin, and quite frankly, that helps also. I have struggled with social situations, bullying especially, and relationships my whole life. My biggest problem is that I am just completely gullible.

So I am stuck in New Zealand. Having lived most of my life in Australia (which, for the record, hates all thing NZ) but not being socially aware enough to apply for Australian Citizenship, I was recently divorced by my partner. My sister in NZ offered a place to stay, transport (an older vehicle), introductions to friends, gosh, even a haircut, so I moved to Wellington just before Christmas. As soon as I arrived she forgot all her promises and proceeded to alienate me to the point of asking why I did "not know that I was destroying her marriage by staying with them". So now I live in a share hostel in Newtown, Wellington, New Zealand. A trip back to Australia is not financially possible for me yet, although that is where I would prefer to be.

I walk mostly every day. I walk down through Newtown, over, through, and around Wellington, and back. I'm an aspie through and through. I just smile blissfully at everyone. A few people smile back, most people just think I'm a bit strange, probably, I guess. A couple of weeks back I started hearing a lot of rucus - I thought from homeless people in the area - my hearing is not so good either. A lot of swearing and insults. I just assumed everyone was having fights about stuff.

Today I had to stop at traffic lights, waiting to cross, and again the yelling started. But suddenly I realised - it had been directed at me the whole time. This big guy was sitting on a street bench seat yelling at me "What are you looking at, you f*****g poofter - YOU f*****g POOFTER I'LL SMASH YOUR FACE IN! Don't look at me you f*****g poofter". After so many years of being bullied, ridiculed, spat at, made the butt of so many jokes, I just looked him straight in the eye, and cultivated a slight patronising smile on my face. But I am scared. I always am. Because I am, as always, alone.

For what it is worth, I am as straight as can be - but of course have not dated or kissed a woman in years.

Take care.

How good are you at running?

"Even if I was gay, I still wouldn't be THAT desperate!" is a solid gold response, but also considered fighting talk round here

Welcome to Wrong Planet.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

When I was around 25, I thought about moving to New Zealand. But the taxes are so regressive, that I decided not to.

"Poofter" - I never heard that term before so I looked it up. The term is slang for a pansy, an effeminate man, a male homosexual.

I would probably recommend that you buy a pair of silver mirrored coated sunglasses. These are like one way mirrors. They were the type of glasses motorcycle cops use to wear. NTs are always misinterpreting our thoughts. So by wearing them a person cannot look at your eyes and read the tells. The eyes, eyelids, eyebrows and orbicularis oculi muscle play a major role in projecting emotions and the degree of emotions. You will be a little intimidating as a result.

Imagine yourself as a police officer for a moment. As the officer you come up on a situation you are unsure of, and are somewhat nervous. By having on sunglasses you hide an important part of your body language that might accidentally display fear to someone who does not need to see it. By covering your eyes you maintain the tactical advantage of hiding your fear.

Now imagine yourself as the civilian. The police officer approaches and you cannot see his eyes. You cannot read what he is thinking but you can imagine what he is capable of. Not being able to read him [the police officer] creates uncertainty, which means he [the officer] has the advantage.

The second thing that crossed my mind is that you feel more comfortable in Australia. So set a goal to move back and then figure out a plan to make that happen.

@Pieplup - CBT really is a way of understanding yourself and helpfully answering the needs that are shown. We are always more than we think. (I know a professional will correct me and add "to modify deficient behaviour" but I think they should read in context and consider a wider view) Thank you for your words

@Redd_Kross - I at least find it therapeutic to imagine telling the guy he is big, gruff, ugly, and so not my type, being male and all. (And I can walk as fast as most people jog!)

@jimmy m - Your advice to wear sunglasses is best if self preservation is my goal. But I guess that deep down that can't be my goal, because I just never have been able to do it [wear sunglasses]. I guess I just continue to lay myself open to the vindictive, rather than retreat from their grasp.

Thanks everyone who took the time to read, and side with another of the "oppressed"
While not belittling any groups claim, I believe the BLM movement really shows up our society - hipocrasy, through and through. Words, words, words, but the actions show different.