Something May Be Wrong With Me

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Hello. I just registered and made an account to speak to the only individuals who would even understand what I'm going through. I have been diagnosed with autism a couple years ago and I'm pretty sure I have crippling anxiety and possibly some form of OCD. This is my first post.
For some reason, I hate the natural human body. I loathe the thought of all the biological mechnanisms and upkeep which we require to undergo in order to stay alive. I hate the feeling of being full of food, of sweating, of requiring nearly half of our lifespans to function.
I just shaved my entire body yesterday. I only do it because it's expected for women to not have hair anywhere but their heads. Every time I look at my naked body I feel utterly sick. The vagina looks like an open wound and I wince whenever I clean any of the "holes." My ears, my anus, my bellybutton, vagina. I can feel the hair growing back and for some reason it makes me terrified and sick to such an extent that I tear up. I loathe the feeling of "stubble" basically, those hairs which aren't fully grown. Especially in my pubic area.
I really want to have a relationship in the future. I spend hours perfecting my bodily hygeine not even for aesthetically pleasing reasons. Everything has to be a certain way. I have a routine for showering and when I don't fulfil it I feel wrong. I can't accept anything else.
I don't know why, but I even feel disgusting when I pee. Like even though it doesn't hurt, it makes me feel like some sort of lesser life form. Even masturbation... I don't even think I have a sex drive. It takes a lot to turn me on. No... not super hot guys, but I got wet listening to an audio once. Other than that, nothing makes me wet. I have to force myself to get horny because well I think most people, especially men, expect their girlfriends to want sex. A basic human desire. Yet, whenever I try to put a finger inside me or even pleasure myself, I can't even climax most of the time. Everything always hurts. I have never put anything inside of my vagina and felt pleasure.
I have no clue why I react the way I do.
I am immensely distressed everyday because of these thoughts of disgust surrounding the "natural". Everything seems vile. I just hate the physical aspect of humanity. I can feel my head itching right now even though I washed my hair recently. It makes me shudder. I despise being a human.... I just can't come to terms with biology. I told my mom about this and she just mocked me. I feel depressed. Any advice?
Thank you for reading.

I’m sorry you’re feeling this way.

If you pee, you are removing poison from your body. That’s the way I think of it. If you don’t pee, you are poisoning yourself.

A generation ago, most women didn’t shave “down there.” I have no idea why this generation does.

As long as you’re not mean to other people, I don’t find that there is much that is “wrong” with you.

I feel like it would be good if you spoke with somebody objective—like a therapist. Speaking to a therapist doesn’t make you a defective person.

I don’t feel you’re a defective person if you don’t desire sex. Only have sex with someone if you feel like having sex with someone. Don’t let anybody tell you you’re weird for not having much sexual desire. There are men who will wait until a woman is “ready.” Sometimes, that means they wait until marriage.

Being into art and literature makes you a viable person, too. There’s much more to a person than the mere physical aspects of a person.

What sort of art do you like? I tend not to like abstract art too much.

What literary genre? I have a taste for Victorian literature.

Welcome to Wrong Planet.

I’m sorry you feel this way about your body, because you are stuck with it 24/7. I don’t think there is something wrong with you. I just see you as a person with some challenges...like the rest of us.

Is there any time or situation in which you don’t feel this revulsion, or at least forget about it for a while?

I may get in trouble, because I have only just joined this forum also. If a mod feels it necessary to remove my post, I entirely agree.

Nekuroko, I read your post several times. I read all the replies so far, which all seem good. I am male, older, and I don't think I have much Anxiety or OCD.

Maybe some of us see reality a lot more clearly than others (the "Neurotypicals") ?
I mean, the way our bodies work is quite strange, even pretty "gross".
Especially when I was your age, I found the whole thing about eating, and what comes out, just, like, man this is primitive (that is how I thought about it - not so much disgust, as, primitive). I even realised that my mind blocked out what was happening, but my brain could look if I wanted it to. A lot of what you say is very, very real - just no one else will talk about it much, will they? They all say, look, we are such perfect beautiful people.

I'm a lot older now, and somehow things have changed. I really, really love my body now. I am really happy to be in it, although some of the things you talk about (not getting too specific) are just really yuck and I wished they happened differently, but they happen the way they happen. I know I felt differently when I was younger, but I think it was because I saw reality more clearly than those some others around me.

About sex, it is wonderful that you have found out something that makes you tick. Audio is so great - I hope you kept whatever audio it was that worked last time. So many good relationships could start over the phone, for you. And you know, I have heard a lot of women don't actually respond so well to penetration - it is being really comfy, relaxed, happy, light touches on the important places, and definitely not something that hurts. And Audio, for you. Good luck.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Many Aspies suffer from oversensitivities. So it is a common trait.

I am probably at the other extreme. In the Peanut's cartoon, I probably can best be described as Pig-Pen. I love dirt.



I typically take a bath once per week and walk around the house barefooted. If a small object falls on the floor, I will typically pick it up with my feet. And I am 71 years old.

So although it might be an neurotypical (NT) convention to shave your entire body minus your head, as an Aspie that does not apply to you. Your job is to reduce your stress loads. So if you are being stress out by shaving your body, stop shaving. Or if you must, you might use a hair removal cream (but use it safely) or more permanent removal methods.

Over the years I have received many unwelcome comments about my body odor. It is my opinion that Aspies produce a distinct body odor that is offensive. Most deodorants have never worked for me. They just try and mask body odor with perfumes. So I made my own that works rather effectively. Body Odor is cause by bacteria that live on you skin. Therefore the best way to deal with it is a direct approach. I just kill the bacteria. It is easy to make. I just mix baking soda, 100% virgin coconut oil and a few drops of essential oil together in a small jar. I apply it on my underarms and I am good to go for a week. One small jar will last about 6 months.

Interesting.

Okay first of all, you don’t have to want sex.
Don’t put any pressure on yourself, never. There are many people that don’t masturbate and it’s totally okay. Don’t ever do something, you don’t want to do, just to please others or because of society makes you think you should do it.
It’s the way you feel and there’s nothing wrong about it.

Questions –
Since when do you feel this way?
Have you been feeling this way all your life or did it begin with puberty?
Have you ever been doing therapy?

It sounds very OCD-like. It seems like you’re very much caught up in these certain thinking patterns.
If it's OCD, it's understandable and if you know that it's OCD, you'll be able to work on it.