Help hugging my kids

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About me -- 56, married, 5 kids (20, 18, 14, 11, 6 years of age). My wife wants me to get out of my comfort zone and maybe start hugging the two younger kids (both girls) for a start. I have no problems hugging my wife (like it lots!) but for some reason that I don't understand, I stop hugging my kids once they move past being babies. Does anyone else struggle to hug their kids? My wife thought that if hugging the two youngest was too much for me to handle, that perhaps I could connect with them in some other way. Any suggestions?

6 and 11 should be old enough that they have some personal interests and preferences. What interests them? What do they enjoy studying/reading/watching/talking about?

For example, when I was 10, I loved nothing more than animals. So any time I got to visit a wildlife refuge, or a dog show, or a horse stable, it was my idea of heaven.

Figure out what interests your kids, and give them a way to actively engage in those interests.

At such a young age, giving them a door to actively engage in their interests is so special because there is only so much initiative they can take on their own. Adults who can drive them to whatever is important (museums or farms or beaches, etc...) and listen to their thoughts and ideas are so valuable and precious.

I hope this helps

I am a hugger. So it may be a little difficult to relate. I love to give bear hugs. If it was a course in school I would probably get an "A" in that class.

What can you substitute. I will make one recommendation for the 6-year old. Whenever you and your wife are walking someplace with your 6 year old, each of you grab one of her arms. Then count out loud "One, two, three". When you say "Three", each of you swing your daughter up in the air. A minute or two latter repeat.

For the 11-year old, I would recommend one activity. Many schools have father/daughter or mother/son dance. Have your daughter dress in her finest clothes and take her dancing. It will make her proud.

Aspies can have a wild side to them that should be cultivated especially when it comes to your children. So I will make another recommendation. Some night when there is a full moon, take your wife and your daughter out into the darkness. Before hand, let your wife know what you are about to do and ask her to join in. In the dark of the night begin to howl at the moon. Howl like you will shake the heavens. When your wife joins in, the children will probably wonder what is happening. I suspect they will join in without being asked. Just keep howling. If everyone joins in, it will be a bonding experience.

We live in a very "prim and proper" world and sometimes it is important for an Aspie to break the mold of conformity especially when it comes to your children.

I am a mother, so the gender stereotype would suggest it would be easy for me. It's not. It's easy for me to return my NT son's hugs (which he still does b/c he's little and affectionate), but I don't initiate hugs (I like to hug, but I don't think to do it) and since my ASD daughter doesn't initiate hugs either, and I would be afraid to hug her and upset her. My therapist suggested I take the initiative and now when I have a warm feeling or a feeling of connection (on my part), I reach out with a hand to touch a shoulder, rub a back or head ---- I will ask my daughter if I can hug her and she'll say yes and we have a really nice (and sometimes awkward) one. It's odd that it seems simple, but it doesn't come to mind for me, or my confidence isn't there with it. It's much better when I am confident.

As their father I should probably know this, huh? I do know the 6 year old likes to take walks, which I do with her as often as I can. The 11 year old likes to read...a lot. She's never happier than when she's curled up somewhere with a book. Difficult to share that with her. *sigh* I think I just need to take the plunge and hug them. Don't know why it is so difficult for me. I think a part of it is that I don't want to freak *them* out.

I'm not that kind of Aspie -- I'm the kind that does whatever it takes to keep the spotlight off of him. The kind who gets reviews at work along the lines of "you do good work, but you should speak up more at meetings". Wish I knew how to break out of that. And as far as dancing goes, I've only danced 2 times in my life and both times I was drunk!

That's my problem -- I don't have those warm feelings or feelings of connection. I'm too trapped in my own head. I guess my original questions should have been more along the lines of "how do I get out of my own head more"...

One of the important adults of my childhood was my likely-Aspie uncle who never did hug or show that kind of affection.
But he listened to me. He talked to me. He was ready to answer my millions of questions and make an effort to explain the hardest topics in a way understandable for a child - Maths, science, mechanics, politics, carpentry, cooking, tailoring I could ask him anything and he enjoyed explaining it.
Maybe you could build close relationship with your children in non-standard ways, like finding interests you share?

I have the warm feeling when I am present with them. It's not often, but I make time for it b/c I've been told to. I don't think to do social things myself, but I am good at following directions.

I read dozens of parenting books and they instructed me to help my children switch tasks by showing interest in what they are doing. So instead of: you need to be off that in 2 min, I (sometimes) go in and take a moment to see what they are doing. It's nice (I wish I did it more; I scored 4% for social motivation during my assessment.) Something better than nothing! So if you take instructions well then it's for you to be present with your children at least 5 min each day --- observing what they are doing, and if they call you out (or tease you) for the new behavior, take it with good humor and persist (with vulnerability and pride for doing something new)... I might even say "I'm connecting with you!" (my kids would understand)

I took a parenting class pre-kids and it recommended 20-40-20 minutes of child-directed interaction each day (20 in morning, 40 in afternoon and 20 in evening) I don't get there by a long shot, but I have it in mind and so get the 5-10 min in here and there. Child-directed means to follow their lead for conversation or activity. BTW - This is most critical during toddler and teenage years. Your wife probably did this for toddler years, you kids are right in the middle so it's great you are gaining practice, you'll have it for teenage years! Teenagers may not overtly engage, but nevertheless they benefit from somebody who is present (the space and attention is a safety net).

Good luck!

Read them bedtime stories.My two loved it.Let then pick the books, and always tell them stories from your childhood, make them laugh.

I've been doing that for years. But I need to get out of my comfort zone and go beyond what little I usually do. What kind of parent doesn't hug their kids? It makes me feel like I've failed them emotionally.

Have they said that they missed it?Some kids think hugs are icky.
You sound like a good dad, maybe start with just a kiss on the top of their heads and work up to a hug or squeeze on the arm from there.

They've mentioned it to my wife, yes. Wondering what's wrong with dad.

I like to think I'm a pretty good father, physical displays of attention not withstanding. I do like the idea of easing into it slowly as you suggest. Thanks. I'll think on it.

The fact that you are worrying about it proves you’re a good dad.

Your kind of parent. Other kinds of parents. Good parents. Bad parents. Many parents. Good parents have different strengths. Good parents have different weaknesses. My BFF's mother didn't hug her children and provided a boatload of stability which my BFF is grateful for. My BFF learned to hug in her 30s and she's very good at it. My mom was better at touch (not necessarily hugs) and unstable. I am better at touch, but lacking in stability, which I am getting better at. It goes all ways.

Today is the beginning of the rest of your life. What do you want this area of it to look like? You get to start now!

In her 70s, my mom is finally more stable. I loved her anyhow, so this is bonus! It's never too late.