I just screamed at my boyfriend

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He's been drinking and has kept me awake all night so far with his constant snoring, fidgeting and kicking me in his sleep. All I want to do is sleep to escape my life for a few hours. I tried sleeping on the couch but it's too uncomfortable, and we don't have room in our apartment for another bed. I got rather impatient and tearful, and I told him why. I told him that he needs to see some sort of sleep therapist because of the disrupting things he does in his sleep. Plus I work, while he is unemployed. And he is the type who can sleep on the couch soundly for hours, so I told him to go and sleep on the couch to give me a chance to sleep. He told me "stop moaning", and when that dreaded M-word is said to me that is always so triggering. So I ended shouting at him at the top of my voice (lucky our upstairs neighbour is an insomniac). Then I kicked the door as he walked out of the room. I screamed at him again. I just couldn't help it. It was caused by a mixture of depression and being sleep deprived. Now I wish I hadn't screamed like that at him. But I just lost my temper. It's too soon to face him and apologize. But in the 2 and a half years I've lived with him, this is the first time I've ever lost my temper like this. Now I'm crying my eyes out and I wish I wasn't so harsh on him. He doesn't know what he's doing in his sleep, but I just lost my patience because I really wanted to have my beauty sleep.

Well kinda sounds like he was being an ass. I mean I know you care about him and what not, but just from what you post about him it kinda seems he could care less if you were around or not. I could be wrong but well I don't think I would stick with someone I had to deal with all that s**t from.

I mean you are working he is not, is he doing anything to contribute to the house? LIke if he cannot work has he applied for benefits or anything to help you and him afford rent. I mean I am on disability with minimal part time work, so I am not always able to contribute a full half of rent but I still do my best to pay my half, but my boyfriend saves in case of not having that since my work is not quite as consistent. But so if your boyfriend can't work has he applied for any available benefits or if he can work has he even tried getting a job to help out?

Also if he is like literally kicking you and crap when you get in bed, yeah it does seem maybe that needs addressed, and it would be unfair of him to get mad at you for leaving the bed because he keeps kicking and making erratic movements.

I mean I realize your goal is probably to just make it work, but from some of what I have seen of what you describe it does seem like a break up is not an option that should be entirely unconsidered. I know its sh*tty but you don't have to stay with him if its not continuing to be a good match. I mean he has breathing issues because of smoking and no matter what you do he won't even consider cutting down from what you say. THen you do all the work and what he sits at home on a couch or chair doing nothing while you do all the work at home as well? Like has he ever even so much as taken out the trash or is that always your job as well. Just seems in you relationship all the responsibility is on you and you essentially have to take care of him like an invalid even though he could probably do some things himself. I mean you don't have to stay with that if he's not even willing to try.

LIke I think your anger was probably justified...you say his smoking bothers your breathing and he won't even at least crack a window let alone step outside. And he doesn't work and doesn't even help around your house presumably..like hell seems he's got a good deal if he can be fed and not have to even lift a finger ever. AKA I am concerned he could be just taking advantage of the situation. I mean it would probably be best to decide sooner or later if you want that to be the rest of your life or if you want to move on...I mean he's like what only 40 at the oldest and already acting like an invalid that needs you as a care-taker I can't imagine it will improve from there.

Replace one big bed with 2 single ones.



It won't help much with the snoring, but you won't get kicked in the back while you are trying to sleep.

When you want to get "Friendly", join them together with either zips or velcro.

Go and apologize to him and tell him that you love him...

@Pepe I will look into getting one of those.

@Sweetleaf He unfairly got dismissed at work a few months ago and has been shielding since because of COVID, but yes he does claim unemployment benefit and tax refund. Also he does do cooking and washing-up, he cooks me a meal every night when I come home from work. So he does do his bit. I understand he is getting fed up with being stuck at home on benefits, he wants a 9-5 job and if it wasn't for all this pandemic he probably would have found a job months ago. But he is also afraid of going out because he is vulnerable to COVID, which I also understand.

Trust me, we ARE happy together. He loves me. But it's just night times that are sometimes problematic with his unusual sleeping positions and sleep apnea. The sleep apnea causes him to jolt and kick his legs each time he gets his breath, and it disturbs me. The snoring isn't too bad because I use earplugs. He doesn't know he has sleep apnea or even what it is. I, on the other hand, am a very quiet sleeper; I don't snore or move much.

I had similar problems, the lack of sleep was so painful. Eventually i decided to get a foam Z bed that folds in three, and a comfortable single mattress. I store both of them easily and take them out at night and set them up in the living room. Its not perfect, but it helped me get much need sleep.

Joe90, why don’t you video tape him so he sees what he is doing.

Great Idea.

I don't think he loves me any more, even after apologizing to him. Yesterday he seemed a bit off, and this morning he snapped at me when I was just asking him where he was going when he was putting his shoes on, instead of just answering me properly.
I think he's still quite alarmed about how I shouted at him the other night, because he said he's never heard me shout that loud. I have said that it was a mixture of sleep deprivation, stress and depression that made me just verbally lash out when the wrong word was said. That's all.
I think it's also because I kicked the door (although I done no harm to the door). It might have troubled him because when his teenage son with bipolar lived with him the son kept getting into tempers and literally smashed in doors and cupboards which had to be replaced.

I just couldn't help myself at the time though. I hate people telling me to stop moaning when I have a reason to express my feelings. I understand it if I was a moaner all the time like I was when I was a child, but nowadays I'm usually positive and I never complain about work or what dinner he cooks me or anything. But everybody in the world moans sometimes. It's called expressing your feelings.

Give him some time, and give him some space.
If you two have had an active sex life, I am sure he will start feeling a need to get closer again. Men tend to change their attitude when their libido re-emerges.

Rather than being obviously/overtly sexy, just dress in an attractive manner, and give him space.

And no, I am not suggesting that that is all there is to a relationship.

To the ladies out there:
If you think this isn't great advice, I'd like to know.

His sex drive is actually rather low for a man, although mine is quite high for a woman.

It seems like something is troubling him at the moment, because all day he seemed a bit off. He even kind of snapped at me in front of my parents when we went to see them today, like in a way that sounded like he was expressing anger but kind of masked it by seeming like he was joking. But I could see right through the mask and I don't know if my parents did or not. I'm hoping they didn't, as they've never seen him angry before. I know I'm Aspie but I don't have much difficulty with recognizing subtle emotions in body language and tone of voice.
Then we both had an argument in the car coming home, because I was getting too sensitive to his bad mood and I wanted to know what was up. He said that nothing's up, but I know what my boyfriend is like; something will bother him but he won't tell me, instead he'll just be in a really bad mood. I wish he'd just tell me what's bothering him so that I'll know. I have more sympathy with someone's problems if I know what it is. And to see him this bad-tempered, something in particular must be bothering him. I asked if it was because of how I behaved the other night and he said that has nothing to do with it, but I'm not so sure.

If he doesn't want to talk about it, you are only going to make things worse if you push.

Once again, give him space.
You just have to be more disciplined.
I know it is hard not knowing what is going on,
But the problem will dissipate on its own, or it will come to a head.

Has this happened before?
If so, perhaps you can see a pattern of what triggers him.

Does he like tea and/or coffee?
Without smothering him, make him something nice, and once again, don't push and give him space.
Ask him if he wants some, don't force it on him.
Give him the choice.


Be prepared if he snaps at you.
If you don't respond in kind, the trust will develop that he doesn't have to walk on eggshells with you.
It is very tiring having to deal with that, all the time.

Just throwing ideas around.
It might give you your own ideas.

Hey Joe

I agree with Pepe to give him space, let him talk about it when he is ready, drop pursuing answers, if you have patience you can find out if there is an underlying problem, or if it's just him seeming grumpy due to the negative changes. If he doesn't believe you about the sleep disturbances I agree that perhaps recording the jerking leg movements would make it clearer for him. He could benefit from treatments for a sleep condition, as could you.

Dont doubt the validity of your feelings at the time, but since then, as you tend to worry, you are likely to fill in the blank spaces with anxiety inducing reasons for how he is dealing with the shouting and door slamming.

I dont agree with the sexy distraction technique though, even if it does stimulate emotional intimacy, because well... it's a distraction that has the potential to overlook underlying problems, sweeping them under the carpet temporally only to have them emerge at a later point in time.

I think I'm the one treading on eggshells around him at the moment. One of the things a relationship is about is communication, and if he doesn't tell me what's on his mind then he can't expect me to sit back and put up with being spoken to like s**t. The last time he was like this, it turned out to be because of a letter he had received in the mail saying that they're stopping his unemployment payment without stating the reason. I understand that this is stressful, but he didn't me about this letter. All he did was shout and yell at me and I didn't know why.
Now I'm worried that there is some sort of underlying stress lurking about again that he's not telling me about. If there is, I rather know about it, because then we could work together to help solve it.

It's just that something must really be up if he spoke to me rather rudely in front of my parents, which he's never done before. I felt a bit embarrassed actually.

I can understand why you are worried, yet the more you focus on it, the larger it becomes in your mind.

I dont like that he shouted at you, or took things out on you Joe, that seems quite selfcentered. Sometimes though that can be an indicator of low mental health, but it's no excuse.

Trust is key and its normal for you to doubt him after he hid key information from you, how many days can you be patient for, you could set a cut off period?

I had the impression he was reacting to your outburst.
Now you believe there is more to it,
And he won't talk about it.
I'm "Snookered".