I am not close with my family

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Though I have learned that I am not close with my family being that I seem to be the "Black sheep", sometimes I feel v very sad about it. In the last 24 hours, it has been getting to me.

1. I had one family member who was the most supportive of me in my 20's, but we fell out in 2017 due to her dementia, starting to make the circumstances toxic. She ended up dying last year. Meanwhile, there are several people in my family who don't want to associate with me because they don't understand and don't want to.

2. A few of them have gone on vacation in another state, away from where I live with other family and friends and never invite me. Yet, they always come to see me for an hour or two and then take off again. This is even if we have no seen each other in years at a time.

I am so jealous of my other friends who are treated well by their families as they aren't black sheep.

Black sheep have a quality to their wool that no other sheep has and they are often rejected because they are not understood. The ones who understand them treasure them like most precious jems and would trade a thousand normal sheep to get one of them!

I like the way you explained that and I will have to remember what you said. Though I have accepted it that I am not going to be accepted by my family, I have been grieving today because I am accepting it that they see me as the black sheep. I have been crying until I can't anymore.

I’m sorry that happened to you. I’m not close with my family either, but I don’t want to be, so it’s all good.

I know what you mean and especially if your family is toxic and dysfunctional such as mine is.

However, I am upset because I wish the circumstances were different where my family knew how to treat people and respect them.

A few examples

1. 4 years ago, one of my sisters, who I had not seen in 11 years, planned a trip with some friends of hers to visit a neighboring state of mine. However, she didn't even tell me until she was on the road that she wanted to see me on the way back for dinner. Being that I had not seen her in such a long time, I wanted to join them and she said that she wanted to spend the vacation with her friends, yet wanted see me when she stopped in my city.

2. When my aunt died, my uncle and aunt came down to handle my late aunt's affairs and ignored me until I called them out. They did the dinner thing too

I get it: you want your family relationships to be different than what they are. Some family relationships you’ve observed are different from what you experience & that causes pain. Your family relationships may never change. They might even become more distant & aloof the more you try to create closeness. Maybe one day you may reach an acceptance that this is the way things are, but until that time you’re just trying to express how you feel about it now. That’s okay. I wish you well.

I have very little to do with my biological family. Toxic, yes.

It used to bother me a lot. It caused a lot of pain and hard feelings. Going over things that were hurtful and exclusionary. I used to have a list of all these things, too. But no one believed me or understood.

I finally came to understand there was no point in pursuing family members. I learned to see "where they were coming from" and understanding or at least accepting their positions in their own lives. I am pretty settled and okay with that now, and have been for a long time.

The most recent upset, which would have been about seven years ago, was when my son, my only child, cut me off completely. That is another long story, but I can live with that too. And really, to be completely honest, he has been verbally abusive to me for all his adult life. I didn't see it until a few years ago.

I am sorry you don't have a family where you can be loved and appreciated.

(((summertwilight))

What I saw in other families is that the ' black sheep ' is usually the best person possible in the family

Same with other families

Theres a really good author n shes on Facebook posting helpful quotes anyway even if u didnt purchase her book (which is extremely generous)


Called Darlene Ouimet : Emerging from Broken


She talks about black sherp.. Manipulative ppl etc

https://www.facebook.com/emergingfrombroken/



I followed her fr a long time n always sharing her posts bcuz even if they dont apply tp me they are very good n might help someone in my friends list



Here are examples of helpful things she has written:
--
My sister only has one side of the story but she is sure that she knows the whole story because that is how the dysfunctional system works. We don’t question everyone or even consider that there may be another side to the story but instead automatically believe the one who has the most power in the relationship.
-----


Everyday I realize more and more that if the world is going to change at all, it is going to change through the healing of the victims.

Abusers run the show, they insist on and instigate cover ups, they misuse their power, teach things falsely out of the desire to control but as the victims heal and get stronger, the abusers will not be able to hide behind the fog that they create.


--------
I let go of false hope.

I let go of the hope that they would transform in favour of working on my own transformation.

I let go of the hope that they would HEAR me.
I let go of the hope that they would SEE me. Instead of my hope being in THEM, I listened to me.
I heard me, I saw me, I validated my own pain and I began to emerge from the broken life I had been living.

---


Attitudes and ignorance” about (any type of) abuse can be passed down through the generations.

It is important to our healing that we sort out the belief systems we adopt;

belief systems that were taught to us and because they are so full of lies,
They lead to all kinds of depressions, addictions and other struggles

while we try to cope with the manifestations of the problems instead of the roots of the problems.


---

The white sheep don't hate the black sheep. They just may not understand them so they will be thinking "Why doesn't she get her fleece cut and sold with our fleece? Why is she different?
Their natural thought is that because the black sheep is different and thinks in different ways, they assume that the black sheep does not need a little love and comfort now and then.
They see the black sheep as displaying practical aspects so they assume that love and togetherness are something the black sheep may not need.
The reality is that black sheep need both.

I remember as a young child when in school and the teacher read to us the story of the Ugly Duckling.
"THAT'S ME!" I thought as I could identify with it. (Is only for a year or three later in life... Especially a year, that I have found I am likely to be on the spectrum myself. I may not be? The wait to be assessed sure teaches patience! ).

Ooh. And I almost forgot. Massive hugs to you to say "You are wanted. You are not rejected. You are NOT alone!"

Thank you so much, everyone. It bothers me, every now and then, as it did over the weekend. That being said, I was grieving in depression and acceptance that my family views me as the black sheep. I have confronted them many times for treating me like that, but they either don't get it or don't care. They also have lectured for "Being selfish" or "Victimizing myself." That being said, their responses make me angry. : x

Either way, I have to accept it that my family will never change their minds about me or really get what they are doing wrong. In fact, they are a bunch of jerks.

You’re welcome Summer_Twilight. Family systems interest me more so than other relationships. Other relationships I can do without.

It also came to me that anyone who doesn't want to invest a lot of time in me but when it is convenient or out of obligation, are stuck up.

I'm more like a "Gray Sheep" to my relatives: Not bad enough to require intervention and constant care, and not good enough to deserve their love and admiration.