It’s my fault

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It’s my fault my life is bad...I think. I kind of know there are decisions I should be making. And actions. But I choose to do nothing. Depression runs in my family. It could be why I lack motivation. That and I have autism as well as cognitive problems. I’m not the type of autism that can drive and go to university to get a well paying career. I’m not good at anything. I’ve worked minimum wage and hated all those jobs and was lousy at them. I haven’t worked for 16 years and the last time I worked was bullied by coworkers. Probably because I was a 20 year old brat with mental problems and it was a bad crew. But I hated work so much in the first place, and the bullying made it worse. It made my mental problems worse too. It made me hate myself at the time. I will get nowhere in life, because of my cognitive problems. I can’t blame all this on autism because I’ve seen what people with autism can do. I’m being pressured by everyone to take antipsychotic medication because I went crazy a few years back, I think because I didn’t know I had autism. My psychiatrist thinks it’s schizophrenia. I haven’t told him I think I went crazy because I didn’t know I had autism. Plan on it our next appointment. The side effects of antipsychotic meds are horrible. I really hate this. I hate the town I live in. Would like to move to a much quieter one but a man that abused me lives there. He is a stalker too. I’m kind of afraid of him. I’m getting nowhere in life and lack the motivation to work to better my life. I don’t even want to start therapy. It’s like I have a fear of responsibility. I don’t think it’s normal laziness. It’s the fear of responsibility and work and paying bills and all that other reality stuff. Sorry for complaining so much. I just don’t know how to make my life into something to look forward to. Right now, as I look at it, it seems there are only things to dread.

I feel like therapy will be good for you.

You have the potential to improve yourself. You have lots of insight.

You are still young. It is not hopeless for you.

I have always liked your honesty and your decency.

Western psych medicine loves to play pin-the-psychosis-on-the-black-sheep. You can find better meds than that garbage if you engage with the system well enough though. That doesn't mean giving them carte blanche to fill you with pills though.

I think the same way and I am freaking out too. Somehow, motivation seems pointless because I am and remain alone.

Sometimes it feels hard to stand up to the shrinks. But yeah I might be able to find a better medication. I'm terrified to experiment until I get the right one. I've already tried three and they were horrible. And people on the internet say terrible things about their experience with antipsychotic medication. So I wish I could just suddenly stop the medication instead of tapering off. I feel like I'm living life in a straight jacket this way. It could take years to finally be off my medication. If I'm even able to.

People tell me that getting a job or being involved in a group would help to get friends and relationships. But I've been part of groups before and worked and never met anyone. Because I'm socially inept!! And yes I will try and practice socializing. But it just doesn't come naturally. I must have low self confidence because Whenever I try to talk to people I think they perceive me as a freak. And it just feels uncomfortable talking to strangers. My natural instinct is to just not talk to people much.

Thanks kraftie that is very motivational. I know therapy would do me some good as long as it's the right therapist. Since I've had some of them that were intentionally intimidating (because I was being difficult) that could be why I haven't waltzed right into a therapy session yet. At least I'm thinking about working, going to therapy, and living somewhere better. Where as before I would say absolutely not, I will do nothing.

There was a really nice therapist that visited me in the mental hospital and asked if I would have liked to start therapy. I was against everything at the time, and still wasn't thinking right, so I said no thanks. But maybe I should have. I wish I knew the name of the therapist that visited me. He seemed really nice.

antipsychotic medications do have a use but usually come with bad side effects. They can treat stubborn anxiety or depression but I have yet to find one that works for me. I do remember reading that some on the spectrum have sensitivities to drugs so a lower dose is often needed to be therapeutic.
Do you have anyone to advocate for you ? I am terrible at standing up for myself in front of a shrink , if not for my GF I'd be undiagnosed and doped on medication.

You may be able to find out if the visit was recorded on your records as therapists make notes.

The fact that you declined would be there I expect.

Perhaps you may be able to request this information from you medical record - would your gp have those?

I do not have anyone to stand up for me unfortunately. Just gotta be me I guess. So maybe practicing standing up to people who have authority might help my situation.

I will ask my psychiatrist in our next appointment if he has that therapist on record.

I might ask for a different psychiatrist eventually. The one I have now, I feel like our appointments are rushed. Like he's in too much of a hurry to listen to my problems. He said Abilify had absolutely no physical side effects. Which I don't believe. He asked me if I thought my memory problems might be because my medication was reduced too much. Which doesn't make much sense to me. He is also kind of stern sometimes. Maybe it would be better to have a psychiatrist closer to my age, someone I can relate to better.

Maybe you could make a list of answers or statements to cover some of the questions you anticipate , it is a lot easier to read out an answer than think on the hop when you are feeling anxious.

Ferris offers good advice.

My feeling, truly, is that things will get better for you.

My hope is that you get some sort of subsidized apartment when the waiting list gets much less for you. Of that you will even turn things around and make a living for yourself, perhaps maybe with some help from your parents.

I'm sorry you don't feel supported by your doctors. One thing I can suggest, is if the doctor dismisses something you say, ask them to write it in your file.

Example:
You -- "I'm having side effects from my medication and I'd like to change it or change the dose"
Doctor -- "There are no side effects of this medication"
You -- "Well, here's a list I printed from the manufacturer. I highlighted the ones that affect me. Please staple it into my chart and make a note that I have reported these symptoms"
Doctor -- "I don't think that's necessary"
You -- "I'm autistic and have a hard time self-advocating. If it were stapled into my chart with a comment that you don't think my side effects exist or matter, it would be a good way for future doctors to understand my health history"

Zing.

Or,
You -- "I would like a referral to _____________, because xyz"
Doctor -- "I don't think you need a referral to _____________"
You -- "Could you kindly note in my chart that I requested this referral, and that you said no? It's easier for me to remember our conversations if everything is put in writing"

You -- "I'd like to discuss ______________"
Doctor -- "I'm rushed today. Thanks for coming in"
You -- "Could you please note in my chart that I wanted to discuss __________ , but there wasn't time?"

Unfortunately I've learned that many doctors will dismiss what we say because of poor eye contact, or an assumption that we aren't smart enough to know our rights. Please consider this ^ as a way to keep them accountable. Another thing you could try is taking a voice recorder to record what they say (tell them you have issues with memory, which is true), or else take a pen and paper and write down everything they say. Take your time so they'll be precise. Then ask them to sign it at the end of your appointment. If they know you are autistic / ND, or in need of psychiatric meds for whatever reason, it's their duty to make sure you understand and that the instructions are clear.

Cooking and exercise do magic. A lot of autism support stuff doesn’t help. Read No Shame in My Game and Nickel and Dimed.. nothing wrong with minimum wage jobs or being out of the workforce for a period.. things can change for you.. keep trying various ways.. eventually you will stumble on an approach that provides success.. don’t give up is rule #1.. not succeeding is ok and it won’t be as bad.. but not giving up should be a rule to live by and it will help

What you're describing sounds like internal conflict. CBT is a much more effective treatment than taking drugs. It's also the most effective treatment for depression. I recommend getting a book by an experienced psychiatrist on using CBT for depression. You can go at your own pace. You can read a few pages at a time each morning and skip any recommended exercises that you don't want to do. If you can read this forum, you can read a book. Just try to do something each day, no matter how small, to improve your situation.

Thank you everyone who posted above.

I’ll keep trying.