Not Enjoying Living (Trigger Warning: Suicide)

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I've been quite depressed lately to the point that I've been researching suicide methods.

I just honestly don't see my problems improving, and I'm not getting a sufficient quality of life while they're persisting. All I'm concerned about is making it so that I don't have to deal with these problems anymore, and my preference would be to solve them, but if I can't solve them, then I just don't want to live.

I'm not enjoying much about my life, and what little enjoyment I am getting is overshadowed by all the emotional torment I'm experiencing. I have nothing to look forward to, overall I'm not happy with my job, I have nothing to do and nowhere to go most of the time, but honestly I'm not motivated to do anything or go anywhere anyway.

Anyone who's familiar with my posts probably already knows where this is going - the girlfriend thing.

I'm 24 now, and I've wanted to experience romantic love with a burning passion since I was 12 years old. That's 12 years (or half my life) that has been spent with an extremely intense desire going unmet, and to add insult to injury, I can't escape exposure to or reminders of the fact that other people can get relationships and I can't.

I can't escape them on TV, the internet or in real life. There are just so many things that can trigger me that it's beyond a joke. Seeing couples in public, seeing posts online about people in relationships, even when family members want hugs I'm reminded of the fact that I'm not getting the hugs I truly want, and seeing or hearing about people dating that are younger than me triggers the absolute f*** out of me.

And even in the absence of reminders, I'm thinking of relationships and my perpetual inability to get one every day, and I'm just so tired of having this problem, I honestly can't overstate how fed up I am with it, but I don't see it changing and I'm never going to have any sort of contentment or peace of mind until it does.

The other day, I was reflecting on the question of why I want a relationship, and while there are probably about a dozen reasons, there were two that stuck out as easily the most important, but they're also pretty shallow. The first is that I want to feel desirable to someone I'm attracted to, and the second is that I want to experience what pretty much everyone else has experienced - what it's like to have a reciprocated infatuation with someone, what it's like to be in love, and all of the experiences that come with that.

I'm not meeting any women my age at the moment, but even if I was, who's going to want a suicidal, romantically inexperienced loser whose primary motivations for wanting a relationship are what I described above? Even if somebody was interested in me despite all of that, am I going to be interested in them?

Even if I got a relationship, it would be doomed to fail, because I'd be bothered by the fact that my partner had had previous romantic and sexual experience with other people while my only romantic and sexual experience was with them. And even if I got a relationship and that wasn't a problem, I'm never going to get over the fact that it took me until my mid 20s or later to have my first relationship. I might as well carve the word loser on my forehead because it's etched into my identity now and I'll never be able to make peace with my history. It'll never not be a sensitive subject, and I'm just not sure if it's even worth my while trying to get a relationship and all the rest of it when the damage might already be done, and even if it's not, my chances of getting a relationship seem ridiculously slim, and I have no patience or hope left.

This is only one out of two of the major issues that are making me contemplate suicide, but the other is so sensitive that I'm not sharing it publicly.

So to sum up, I'm overwhelmed with it all, I'm enjoying practically nothing about my life due to the issues I've described above overshadowing everything, my patience has run dry as it relates to trying to get a relationship, so if nothing changes soon, I'm going to do something drastic, and not only am I sick of experiencing the issues themselves, I'm sick of even having to think about them, but I also can't stop thinking about them until they're solved.

I know that nobody's going to have a magical answer for me, and the worst outcome is likely going to be how things turn out, but I'm really struggling and I don't know where else to turn.

Does your family know about any of this?

Are you on any medication for depression? I know that finding the right dose of antidepressants really helped me.

I am sorry for everything you are feeling. I don't know the answer except it is not suicide. Please look for help.

Ok, I'm going to just clarify this for everybody right now. It's either get a girlfriend or suicide for me. There's no version of reality where neither of these things happen, unless I'm literally being forced to stay alive against my will, so I don't want any of this "the urges will fade" crap, or people trying to suggest any kind of treatment or solution that doesn't ultimately result in me getting a girlfriend in the not too distant future.

If it's not abundantly clear to you that there is no solution here that doesn't involve me getting a girlfriend at some point, don't comment here, because you're not helping, and by suggesting or implying scenarios where I don't get a girlfriend and everything is supposedly ok, all you're achieving is irritating me. You have no idea how much this matters to me.