Been crying every day for ~a month and tbh..

Page 1 of 1 [ 14 posts ] 

goldfish21
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 17 Feb 2013
Age: 38
Gender: Male
Posts: 12,292
Location: Vancouver, BC, Canada

16 Oct 2020, 12:05 am

.. I think I’ll be sad when it stops.

I’d wondered when the ~daily recurring ptsd memory that’s stolen my present for the last couple years might end and be replaced with something else.

It happened a ~month or so ago. I’ve been reliving one of my beach friends’ funerals and the speech I made about him. It’s a combination of grief/mourning, but Also joy - my words flowed like fk’n Magic - 100% without a doubt a verbal manifestation of my Autism. My vocabulary, the prosody of my speech, the on-the-fly lightning quick “spoken word-like,” composition, the Very Unique sound my voice takes on when I deliver a statement in this way, as well as the synchronized body language & hand gestures - I Know that Autism is responsible for this Magic, but to others in the room.. what a treat! :D Some were moved to tears, others Wow’d. His parents each thanked my for my words, and a few of his tough guy friends (World class BJJ fighters - our friend was a multi time world champion) Had To shake my hand afterwards. 8) I felt then, and feel now, so Blessed to have shared those Autism induced words with that crowd of nearly 200 people while up on stage w/ a mic. It was a Moment. A beautiful moment! 8) If I had a year to write a speech and all the takes in the world to deliver it until it was perfect I could never match what flowed through me that day - no preparation, one take, just put it all out there straight from the heart and it was Perfect.

But still, they’re also tears of sorrow.. I mean, let’s get real: an Amazing human died and it f*****g sucks. I’ve lost 7 friends and family so far this year (3 to car accidents including this one who was hit and run as a pedestrian when he was in Hawaii training for the world’s in Australia.) but I have never Ever missed anyone who’s passed more. He was larger than life, strong, wise, kind, funny, charismatic, extremely well liked - a real life super hero.. and now he’s gone. He passed in January and this one of his funerals (of 3) was in March.

I do have comfort in Knowing that he is in fact here all around us, merely in the ancestral plane now - as I’ve had one full on conversation with him since. His father (who came to the beach with him) is a member of the Native Church and is very familiar with plant medicines used to access the spirit world. I had a chat with him about this experience when I last saw him - September 28th - when he and Benito’s mom came to the beach to bring some of his ashes to spread in the ocean after a ceremony.

I dunno where I’m really going with this here. Just sharing. I suppose it’s a bit therapeutic to write this stuff down here. And maybe if some value to others as a reminder that Eventually our repetitive thoughts do in fact get replaced by something else at some unknown random interval. The last one frustrated and angered me, this one makes me cry - but I’m not exactly looking forward to when it stops. It’s kinda nice keeping his memory alive And also the speech I made about him.

Rest in POWER, Benito Segura III. 8)


_________________
No :heart: for supporting trump. Because doing so is deplorable.


kitten_caboodle
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 30 Aug 2020
Age: 40
Gender: Female
Posts: 306

16 Oct 2020, 9:38 am

That's a sad story :( Rest in peace to your friend and everyone you are mourning. It sounds like you spoke a very emotional tribute for him. He's lucky to have known a friend like you.



goldfish21
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 17 Feb 2013
Age: 38
Gender: Male
Posts: 12,292
Location: Vancouver, BC, Canada

19 Oct 2020, 12:51 pm

kitten_caboodle wrote:
That's a sad story :( Rest in peace to your friend and everyone you are mourning. It sounds like you spoke a very emotional tribute for him. He's lucky to have known a friend like you.


It is sad. :/ He once said to me “When it’s your time, it’s your time. We don’t get to pick.” Several of us have independently had the thought that the only way his passing makes sense is that he ascended to a a higher calling - that his wisdom is now infinitely accessible from the ancestral plane by all who call upon him/unknown ancestors for guidance. He helped so many people in life, but we’re sure his work isn’t done.

Thanks. The other rough loss has been my older cousin Roxanne - she was several months pregnant when she was killed in a car accident this past March. Very difficult for her now 13 year old son, my Godson, Jordan. And obviously for the rest of her family and friends, too.

Oh, it was emotional indeed.. I could type the words of the most impactful part (and maybe every word) as I’ve relived it many times. The words flowed through my brain and put my mouth like magical lightning, as if I’d pre-written and planned it.. but it was the Delivery that made it so special. It was almost like the climactic scene of a movie or something where an actor just gets into “the zone,” - as if I were in an almost trance like state where the words, gestures, body language, tone/volume etc just manifested through me straight out of the ether.. and then I blinked and made a bit of a closing recap line before finishing off my speech to the crowded room. If I had all the time in the world to prepare something better it would have never ever in a Million years happened. It was a magnificent moment, and well suited to honour the life and memory of the man we were all there to mourn.

Perhaps - in the sense that his family, friends, and colleagues were able to hear my perspective about him that day. But really, We we’re all so extremely lucky to have known him. Truly. Not long after he passed when I was telling my mother about who he was and his accomplishments - everything from blazing the trail to the creation of the University of British Columbia’s Indigenous Studies Degree Program based on his studies in one of two degrees he completed there while raising his daughters as a single father to rising to the level of multiple time World Champion BJJ fighter.. and her wide eyed response was “You Knew him???” - Yes, I did. I, and so many others, were Blessed to have known such a real life super hero of a human being. 8)


_________________
No :heart: for supporting trump. Because doing so is deplorable.


kraftiekortie
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 Feb 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 71,171
Location: Queens, NYC

19 Oct 2020, 1:40 pm

Death is a real humdinger....isn't it?

I'm pushing 60.....and I wish I had longer to live than around 30 years.

Your friend in the Ancestral Plain: let's hope he is able to communicate what he's learned Down Here....to the folks who are still Down Here.



naturalplastic
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 26 Aug 2010
Age: 65
Gender: Male
Posts: 24,278
Location: temperate zone

19 Oct 2020, 2:09 pm

my condolences. :x



blazingstar
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 19 Nov 2017
Age: 66
Gender: Female
Posts: 4,087

19 Oct 2020, 5:19 pm

I’m sorry for your loss goldfish.


_________________
paralysis by over-analysis


goldfish21
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 17 Feb 2013
Age: 38
Gender: Male
Posts: 12,292
Location: Vancouver, BC, Canada

Yesterday, 9:25 am

Thanks all. He truly was a living legend, like a celebrity superstar among his various circles - e v e r y o n e loved Benito.

kraftiekortie wrote:
Death is a real humdinger....isn't it?

I'm pushing 60.....and I wish I had longer to live than around 30 years.

Your friend in the Ancestral Plain: let's hope he is able to communicate what he's learned Down Here....to the folks who are still Down Here.


Sure is. He was only ~43.

Oh, I Know he can. I’ve had a full on conversation with him since he passed. First time I’ve ever had contact with the spirit world and it was as real as any conversation with anyone here in meatspace. It’s comforting Knowing these aren’t just age old myths or fables told to each new generation to give them peace of mind about the deceased. I’m sure he’ll be there going the work that he’s meant to and available to be called upon by those who need his wisdom & guidance. 8)


_________________
No :heart: for supporting trump. Because doing so is deplorable.


AquaineBay
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 Apr 2017
Age: 26
Gender: Male
Posts: 835
Location: Houston, Texas

Yesterday, 12:02 pm

I'm sorry for your loss goldfish21.

I don't mean to be mean or start any arguments but, the way you wrote about your sadness and loss kinda comes off as insensitive, self-centered and also self-serving. We know about your speech(which you've talked about twice), we know of the people affected by it and his accomplishments but even though you mentioned it, it came back to you. For example how they appreciated the speech and everyone shaking your hand, your mother replying "You knew him!" after you told her of his accomplishments, how you emphasize how "perfect" and in the "zone" you were delivering your speech.

I don't know if that's just how you mourn your losses but, generally when talking about a person who has passed on that mean't a lot to you, you usually talk about that person and their feelings, accomplishments(how it affected them), their personality, etc while they were alive so we can get an idea of how it has affected you.



goldfish21
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 17 Feb 2013
Age: 38
Gender: Male
Posts: 12,292
Location: Vancouver, BC, Canada

Yesterday, 1:27 pm

I don’t mean to sound insensitive to your stupidity, but that’s exactly the way you’re coming across right now.

What you’re describing Is What My Speech Was, about him, not me. But what I described in this thread is the fact that I’ve been reliving that speech and the beauty of that moment of being able to convey those things about him to that crowd in the room, not good times spent with him. Hence the thread being about the reliving of my speech, how awesome it was to be able to convey such words about such a truly deserving man, and the affects it had on his loved ones.

In conclusion, f u.


_________________
No :heart: for supporting trump. Because doing so is deplorable.


AquaineBay
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 Apr 2017
Age: 26
Gender: Male
Posts: 835
Location: Houston, Texas

Yesterday, 2:19 pm

...All I was trying to do was give you insight into how what you wrote might sound like to others(who you, I assume wish to gain sympathy from. We weren't there for the speech and can't read your mind).

I guess I should've just left it alone. I am still sorry for your loss though and he sounds like he was an amazing person.



Mountain Goat
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 13 May 2019
Gender: Male
Posts: 8,285
Location: Wales,UK Relationship: Single Interests: Trains AgeGroup: 40's FavouriteColor: Green Music: CyndiLauper

Yesterday, 2:25 pm

Many times I read part of this. I could not reply. I could not read it all. It hurts so much. I was numb to death. It happened so often. I am scared incase the emotions that were numbed one day may spring out.
I am ok about it though as the emotions are cemented in. I hope the emotion springs will dissolve with corrosion before the cement starts to crumble...

If only I could change this... If only...


_________________
Awaiting asessment. Neurodiverse 173/200. Neurotypical 21/200. Empathy 11/80. AQ 39. https://everything2.com/user/Zifendorf/ ... s/shutdown

Do not press this button --》 [ ] ▪▪▪ \ ●●● \ ▪●▪ \ ▪●▪ \ ●▪●●


blazingstar
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 19 Nov 2017
Age: 66
Gender: Female
Posts: 4,087

Today, 12:10 am

Aquainebay: this post is in the Haven. WP rules state The Haven is for caring and support, not suggestions or critiques. Just FYI so you can remember the next time.


_________________
paralysis by over-analysis


AquaineBay
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 Apr 2017
Age: 26
Gender: Male
Posts: 835
Location: Houston, Texas

Today, 1:09 pm

blazingstar wrote:
Aquainebay: this post is in the Haven. WP rules state The Haven is for caring and support, not suggestions or critiques. Just FYI so you can remember the next time.


But people have been giving suggestions(and at times critiques) in The Haven before. Is that no longer a thing anymore? I can't remember which threads exactly but there were many of them. I'm kind of confused now.

But in any case, I will apologize for breaking the rules and to you goldfish for misinterpreting your original post and thread.



goldfish21
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 17 Feb 2013
Age: 38
Gender: Male
Posts: 12,292
Location: Vancouver, BC, Canada

Today, 3:13 pm

AquaineBay wrote:
blazingstar wrote:
Aquainebay: this post is in the Haven. WP rules state The Haven is for caring and support, not suggestions or critiques. Just FYI so you can remember the next time.


But people have been giving suggestions(and at times critiques) in The Haven before. Is that no longer a thing anymore? I can't remember which threads exactly but there were many of them. I'm kind of confused now.

But in any case, I will apologize for breaking the rules and to you goldfish for misinterpreting your original post and thread.


Whatever, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.

I haven’t conveyed the words nor described the delivery or scene or who he really was etc - all the things that I relive in this memory, the fitting tribute to him. Only glimpses of how it was for me and how it feels to relive it, so I kinda see where you’re coming from in your criticism. The perspective I’ve relayed here isn’t the same as the words & delivery I put out then and relive now, so we literally have different views of this same event. Yes, all eyes were on me, but 100% of me was focused on him - and That’s what triggered such a beautiful emotional response from his friends and family.

The last day or so I thought about maybe writing out an excerpt from my speech that was the most impactful but I’ve been referencing - but just the words as a transcript would be very.. bland. I’d have to type it up w/ several times as many words to set the scene and describe my delivery in detail, who the deceased was, and who the audience was comprised of - than maybe anyone reading this thread will have a better idea of what a Moment it truly was and why I’m “proud?” to have had it happen through me. Maybe that would help convey better what I’d like it to vs how it came across to you? (Or maybe no one really cares to read a long post about it, because you didn’t know him and weren’t there and it’d just be tldr material?)


_________________
No :heart: for supporting trump. Because doing so is deplorable.