I'm Having An Internal Meltdown And I Need To Vent

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I hate myself so very much. Not in a physical sense, but in a mental one. I hate how lazy and unmotivated I am. I hate how I don't have any sort of resilience. I hate how I can't be bothered to pursue any of my goals without the promise of a reward dangling over my head. It's pathetic. I'm pathetic. My mind is so unfocused I can't even enjoy reading because I can't remember anything that I read. Audiobooks are exactly the same. I'll get halfway through before realizing that I don't have the slightest idea as to what's going on. What happened to me? I used to love reading. I used to be great at reading but I now I can't even comprehend something I should be enjoying. I also have a writing hobby that I keep telling myself I'm going to quit. I'm so close to quitting it right now because there's no such thing as a respected author that can't even read properly. Also, what's the point of spending so much time writing if I don't even know if people will like it? I refuse to pour so much of my heart and soul into a project if there's even the slightest chance of people not liking it. If I can't get money and respect from my work, then why bother? It's useless, just like me. I hate this attitude so much, but I can't shake it. I've been feeling like this on and off for so long. Antidepressants help but they don't make everything go away. I feel awful. I'm in college and I want to go home, but I can't do that until Winter Break. I can't go home for Thanksgiving because of COVID-19. I just want a hug. I want someone to tell me that it's alright, but that would be a lie. They don't know if everything's going to work out. I definitely don't. I'm sorry that this is so disorganized. My mind feels so heavy and I'm so worn out. I don't really know who I am or what I want. I'm so bitter and angry and I barely even know why. I want someone to explain it to me. It's not fair that I have to deal with anxiety and depression. Why me? What did I do wrong?

Vent away! All is ok. You are not useless. Just going through a tough patch.

(((Lucgn01)))

I’m sorry you feel so rotten. I’ve felt that way many times. I especially related to your feeling that unless you are guaranteed success, pursuing something is useless. I often wonder if that comes from the type of parenting I had, rather than an autistic thing.

Wherever it came from, it is a lie.

It has taken me a long, loooonnnnggg time to just enjoy the process, whatever that process is.

I have also learned to cling to my intellectual knowledge that the miserable feeling will go away, during those incredibly bad times when my emotional self says I am worthless and life is not worth living.

Take care of yourself. You are worth it.

Your feelings could be affecting your concentration/attention with reading and listening. How were you feeling when reading wasn't a problem? And were you getting more or better sleep then? I've found stress, negative feelings, poor diet, poor sleep can send my attention span right out the window. It's like I'm reading on autopilot and retain little of what I read or quickly forget it. Whereas I can vividly recall something I read 10 years ago. Also just adding things like electrolytes and probiotics tend to help me function better. Also just being 18, in college and away from home can mess you up. Adulthood isn't an easy transition.