I was born premature as well, 6 or 7 weeks. I'm bipolar, probably substance dependant, I've never excelled at anything I've ever wanted to and I've never been adequately competent at anything I need to be in order to survive. I've been more socially successful than you, but in hindsight I've often behaved in ways that I'm later ashamed of. I don't really have anyone who seems particularly invested in my well-being.
Should I really just go ahead and kill myself?
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The Party told you to reject the evidence of your eyes and ears. It was their final, most essential command.
If you're not careful, the newspapers will have you hating the people who are being oppressed, and loving the people who are doing the oppressing. —Malcolm X
Just a reminder: under international law, an occupying power has no right of self-defense, and those who are occupied have the right and duty to liberate themselves by any means possible.