Really wanting to relapse

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The current plan is to get home from work and drag something sharp across my face.
Every day I get more reasons to harm myself. And I almost never get more reasons not to do it. I avoid doing it for no particular reason. I'm just humoring the people around me.
I'm tired of just humoring people when all I ever get are the same old tired, cliched "arguments" for why I shouldn't do it. If you can think of it then I've heard it.
"It doesn't accomplish anything" 1. Yes it does. I could go on and on listing the things it accomplishes that people refuse to believe for nonsensical reasons 2. What do we think I think it accomplishes that it does not actually accomplish? 3. Whether it "accomplishes" anything is irrelevant to begin with.
"It's addictive" And? I might feel more motivated to do it than I "should"? Sounds like a good thing to me.
"It's bad for your mental health." Not doing it sure as hell hasn't helped anything. Dissociating and trying not to think and desperately wanting to die with no outlet hadn't been great for my health either. Also: don't think I haven't noticed how people are much more likely to care about my mental health when the solution to a mental health problem does not involve them changing their behavior.
"It's selfish" And? It's my body. It's my mental health. I could do it a thousand times and it wouldn't affect anyone unless they somehow hear about it. People getting a stick up their a**es about it is their choice and not my problem.
"It's upsetting to people who care about you" They need to reevaluate their priorities and their self-centered, self-serving morals. Some people deserve to suffer. Even if they're people who you specifically just so happen to know personally.

Just got to hold out until work ends. Just got to resist the urge to smash anything I can see my face in. Just got to resist the urge to carve up my face into something more appropriate.

All it takes is a decision,love,self love,and in turn end the suffering.

It's as easy as that.

Otherwise,at the mercy of the self defeating lower mind.

All it takes is emptying the cup and siding with love.

Two choices,to suffer or end suffering.

Love,not a hard choice to make.

*Embrace the Magick*

(((Roronoa79)))

I grieve that you feel so bad. There is release from pain in self-harm. I get that. I hope somehow, sometime, you can experience relief from pain in some other way.

Yeah went ahead and relapsed. Didn't do enough for me. I probably just need to do it more.

Look me in the eye and tell me that you can't think of anyone that shouldn't love themself. "Self-love" doesn't solve anything and is no comfort to those I've wronged.


What's with the parentheses?
It's not supposed to be relief from the pain. It supposed to be more pain. Some people should suffer.

Leonard Cohen - Bird on the Wire 1979


Like a bird on the wire,
Like a drunk in some old midnight choir
I have tried in my way to be free.

Like a worm on a hook,
Like a monk bending over the book
It was the shape, the shape of our love twisted me

If I, if I have been unkind,
I hope that you can just let it all go right on by
If I, if I have been untrue
It's just that I thought a lover had to be some kind of liar too


If I, if I have been unkind,
I hope that you can just let it all go right on by
If I, if I have been untrue
I hope that you know by now it was never to you

Like a little baby stillborn
Like a beast with his horn
I have torn everyone who reached out for me

But I swear, I swear by this song
I swear by all that I have done wrong
I will make it all up to thee

I saw a beggar he was leaning on his wooden crutch,
he said to me, "You must not ask for so much."
And a pretty woman leaning in her darkened door,
She cried to me, "Hey, why not ask a little bit more?"

Oh like a bird on the wire,
like a drunk in some old midnight choir
I have tried in my way to be free