I hate myself.

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Not so much because of the loneliness, but mostly because theres nothing I will ever be able to do about it. My entire life has been nothing but heartbreak and rejection.. I was diagnosed with AS when I was 15 but I havent really accepted it until recently. Im really a great guy (and incredibly unique) but because of my lack in certain social skills and immense anxiety disorder, my good traits dont mean a thing. Im a social outcast, the s**t beneath humanities shoes.
Ever since school started life beat the crap out of me, sometimes litterally. I was always the kid who never smiled because I was always misunderstood and/or bullied all the time. My parents misunderstood it as well and got abusive, especially around the time when I got home from school. When I was 13 depression turned to anger, I forgot how to cry but I was still living the worst misery I believe Ive ever endured. Until I got used to it, and learned to get comfortable with it and begin to love it. Eventually as the years passed I begun to thrive on it. Its strange to say this, but in a way it made me feel good. I didnt snap out of it until I was around 17 or so. I dont really know what came over me, but it was also when I stopped drugs, alcohol and cigs. I know that quitting my previous habbits dont have much to do with it, but I think it made me a better person in other ways. Personally I think it was just a sign that I was growing up. Regardless, I was still a loser at life, just not as corrupt as I was before.
Right now Im 19 years old, just as unsuccessful and still being haunted by my past. Always losing jobs, potential friends/girlfriends etc etc. Its all because when my anxiety kicks in, it either puts my brain on hyperdrive or complete shutdown, so I always end up saying the wrong thing or I find it incredibly hard to retrieve words or process thoughts in my head. All I can say as an excuse is "oh, I forgot" or something of that nature. But when it happens as frequently as it does, I come across as an ideot and not too many people have the patience to deal with it. Thats probably been the worst frustration in my life. And get this, meds never worked unless they were used recreationally.
I never really had good support from my parents or all the therapists Ive seen, and Ive never actually had a "real" friend, or at least not one thats lasted long enough for me to consider them an actual friend. Surprisingly enough, Ive had girlfriends in the past as well, but no relationship of mine has ever lasted more than a week or two. Ive always been really sweet/true to them and when I fall in love I make my partner my world, I practically live for them. BUT, I never get obsessive or clingy either, so it contributes to my theory that everything thats good in my life must go bad, its the apparent nature of my universe. It has always been one big nasty cycle.
So anyway, for the past five months Ive been hiding from the world in my room, attached to my computer, its the only thing I have left. I took up cigs again to help me calm my nerves so I can get the confidence I need to show my face in public if my parents ever make me go out for whatever reason. These days my parents have begun to understand me much much better than they did before which is a good thing in a way, but they are still hard to deal with sometimes, I guess as all parents are, right? I just want to know if anyone can relate to me, if theres anyone whos right for me.. I dont want to be alone forever, I just want to put the past behind me and have a life thats worth living. Hopefully I can successfully get close to someone/ make some actual friends.. possibly from here? More than likely just wishfull thinking..

Sounds more like you should be hating people for what they've done to you, not hating yourself. Anyway, I'm busy hating myself at the moment, which involves barely ever leaving my computer. If you want to talk about anything, send me a PM - chances are I'll reply pretty promptly. I've had some similar experiences to you, so I might be vaguely helpful to talk to.

The only time I leave my computer is when I have to take a leak or when Im hungry haha... But yea, I really do hate all those people, but at the same time I understand how they cant stand me. Im the one making all the mistakes and the worst part is that I get to watch their reactions when its happening..

I know how you feel; I've felt that way too, though not as severely as you seem to be feeling it. PM me if you want. Have you thought of antidepressants? I'm not a drug pusher; I'm just wonderin if you thought they might be good for you... not necessarily as a rest-of-your-life thing, but maybe just to give you a push? Or not; I don't know you or your situation. I hope for the best for you; don't be shy to talk to me if you want.

Well like I said before Ive tried many different kinds of meds in the anti anxiety/depression range but nothings ever worked. But you seem nice so Ill send you my email and we can take it from there

I don't know you. I just found this site today. My child has AS (only 5 years old), so i can honestly say that I personally don't know what you struggle with. I know that Asperger's is not merely, "just snap out of it" but a real, almost oppresive, weight from which you'd probably love to be free from but can't.
I just read your post and I feel so sad for you. I am praying fo you right now.
I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. And, I'd be happy to talk more with you about it. sometimes, you just need someone to understand without any judgement or expectations.
I care,
Alicia

Actually it was the obsession with negativity that I snapped out of, not the aspergers. ...Unfortunately

i think it is hard to always feel misunderstood. Do you have anyone you could talk to to voice your frustrations?
Way to go in not focusing on negativity...we all could do better with that.
alicia

Well I do now, since I got here Ive been talkin to quite a few people

it's so freeing to be able to talk to anyone who is remotely compassionate and can understand. God sees you and you are never alone. He understands more than you realize and loves you all the same.
I'm sorry you've felt lost in this world. I, as a parent, am committed to FINDING the lost ones and bridging the gap toward understanding each other. You've just ignited my passion even more. If incredible people, as yourself, start coming forward and give the rest of the world another chance, it might just change things. Don't give up.
alicia

I can relate to basically everything you said, username88.

Im sorry about your troubles, around your age I was lost, lucky I had collage at this time, had I not i woulda not had any direction in life. Its difficult after school, hell, in high school I was depressed myself, finally saw myself for what I really was, and did the wrong things as a result to make friends that were bad for me, made many bad choices. Later in life I had something to shoot for, i knew what I wanted, worked hard for it and got it. You need direction. You have friends in all of us here, thats a start, but what do YOU really wanna do with your life, i still dont have the answer for myself and im about to turn 25, however i know what I want in life.

Regarding the problem with a job, I find that AS gives us the advantage when it comes to a sales position. Think about how many NTs rely on the whole used car salesman shtick, trying to push the sale of a product they don't know (even the salesman who sold me my present car didn't know what engine was under the hood).

But as Aspies, we can study the product we sell, and rattle off product features until our clients go nuts. Of course, empathizing with those customers who whine about a dollar difference in my company's prices compared to our competitors with a lower quality service is impossible for me, and trying to appeal to emotion is difficult. However, for those customers who need a solution to their problem, our Aspie traits come in handy.

For example, a gentleman with a battery pack came into work the other day, and asked how he could properly maintain this battery pack (it's for his son's Airsoft rifle). I explained to him the advantages and disadvantages of the different options available to him, and gave him a few other directions he could go for more information.

Just today, he came back, bringing in his 20 year old multimeter, which he didn't know how to work. He wanted to speak just to me, after my manager of all people couldn't figure out how to work the "ancient analog device of yesterday". I sat there and did a Hank Hill, explained how he could use it, and how, if necessary, he could jury-rig a battery pack from spare parts to keep his son in an Airsoft game when his standard pack was completely discharged.

If it's a matter of getting along with your co-workers, the trick, I find, is to just keep your mouth shut about your own life unless someone asks outright. Otherwise, listen to what they say, always greet everyone with "Good morning", and call out "Have a nice evening" when you go home. When working with others, and they feel like talking, probe them for information with specific questions, and always summarize what they say as a question, so they get the last word (usually, a "yes", or maybe a "yes" followed by a transition to a new conversation).

Finally, when it comes to family, just get out on your own as soon as you can, whether it's living on campus at college, or getting your own apartment. They'll appreciate you more when you're gone, and if they bother to give you trouble, who says you have to tell them where you live?

GoatMan
Well, as the complete story begins to unfold..
I actually attempted your idea of an apartment before, 3000 miles away in Washington state. It didnt help at all, my problems just followed me as they always do. I turned out to be just as rejected and miserable as I was living on the east coast. So because of my job troubles I ran into financial problems and had to come back.
As far as jobs are concerned, I just cant deal with many customers at one time, all it does is trigger an anxiety attack and its all over.. another reason I have a hard time holding them down. However your suggestion about dealing with fellow employees really opened my eyes. I think what I want to be now is a file clerk. Its the perfect job for me cause I wont have insane amounts of stress or social anxiety as I normally would. Thanks for your replies everyone..
What I really need is for someone to help me emotionally in person, someone who will actually understand me and like me for who I am.. Like, a roomate or something. That would be so cool.. But so far asking for such a person online has proved itself useless as it never seems to work But whatever, I suppose you never know

I hope things improve with you soon!

Do you still hate yourself, usernme88?