I am barely holding it together

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Over a year ago, my mother suffered a stroke that has left her quasi-paralyzed down the left side of her body, and I have become her full time carer.

It has been over a year now and I am barely managing to keep myself together and sane. Every day I have to help dress her, help her have breakfast, get her cups of tea, deal with her when she gets anxious or depressed, cook dinner, clean up, wash clothes.

And I do not get a break. Not one. The last one I had was when she was hospitalized for a fall.

And I am now praying for her to die. I have just had enough of dealing with her, dealing with her mental incompetence, memory so full of holes I could drive a bus through...sick of the rest of my family just doing the absolute minimum.

For example, my auntie who lives close has f****d off for over a week to her daughters place up north a ways. She does this nearly every weekend, and up there she gardens and such. This week they are removing a garden bed.

Some days I just want to drive my fist into my mothers grey matter and walk away.

Take it from me. if your loved one has a stroke this bad, put a bullet in them and walk away. It is hell.

Is your mother abusive to you?

I’m sorry your family doesn’t take more responsibility, and help you out.

Not physically, but arguably emotionally. Guilting me, saying it'd be better off if she were dead when I don't do something...just a nightmare.

You have care-giver strain, and a nursing assistant also called a Personal Care Assistant needs to either come into your home to care for your mother or she needs to be admitted to a long term care facility also called a nursing home. A social worker needs to have her apply for Medicaid or some program for the poor so she can be admitted into a facility like that. I doubt she wanted/wants to be a strain on anyone, especially her son.

You have done an amazing job so far. For an NT man it is unusual to be able to do it, but for an aspie it is a big accomplishment.

I don't think your mom is suffering. She probably just looks that way to you. People can perceive, more than they can express when they have a stroke.

I had to take only brief period caring for my grandfather, I could not handle more than a few hours.. it became very anxiety provoking, boring, and made me angry too.

Your mom needs to go to a nursing home, or have someone else care for her. You are not competent enough and lack mental resources to care for her. She may just go to a hospital and then be sent to a nursing home from the hospital. I think if you find you cannot care for her or it is not safe for her or you, maybe call 911 and ask them to send her to an ER for safety reasons.

Under Medicare, people can get caretakers to come into their homes to help with the house cleaning. Or nurses to take care of more medical needs. You should consult the Medicare website if your mother is 65 or older.

Unless there is a medical emergency, or she is a danger to herself of others (or you are dangerous to yourself or others), don’t call 911.

And this is where the real crux of the matter, the real nutshot.

She has 20% heart functionality left and no immune system. If she catches COVID, she dies. If I catch it, it will pass to her and she dies, meaning I can't really go out.


With her heart as shot as it is, she could die soon. But she could also hang around for the next five or ten years.

So what do I do? Do I try to hold onn and keep it together with the hope she catches COVID and dies, that her heart gives out and she dies? Do I try to put on a brave face for the god knows how long until she passes, even if it is destroying me inside? If I knew how long she had left I could pace myself, cross off days on a calendar. I did the same with my grandmother in her final six months as she wasted away from Cancer.

So now you see how utterly f****d I am. My choices are make her miserable for her final however many days/ weeks/ months or I metaphorically destroy myself to keep her happy.

The best thing you can do is talk to a therapist—even if it’s remote.

What you are going through is incredibly difficult. I used to work as a hospice nurse and I know from experience what families go through and how some family member gets stuck with all the responsibility while others go their own way.

I don't know if heart failure at 20% is enough to qualify for hospice, but you could talk to her doctor about it. Did your grandmother have hospice care when you cared for her?

What kind of health insurance does your mother have. If she has Medicare, she has a decent chance of getting into a good nursing home and you can still visit her there, but someone else does all the physical care giving.

Does the house you are living in with her, belong to her? Does her SSA go toward the house you live in? Do you have other options of where to live after she does die. Does she have a legal guardian? Elderly persons with dementia can get a court-appointed guardian to make the difficult decisions.

I have great compassion for the situation your mother is in. I would not like to live that way, and she probably doesn't either. Unfortunately, there are no legal remedies for this situation. If hospice could come in, she would have access to medications that would make life easier to bear. Hospice also has staff to come in to bathe her and provide personal care.

Besides killing her or yourself, both of which are off the table, what options appeal to you?

Vanishing and letting all the s**t roll downhill, honestly. Take everything of mine and just...poof.

Therapists are effectively useless. What are they going to do, function as a highly paid/ government covered "friend" I can rant to? I'd rather take that money and do something useful, like set it on fire. I could warm myself up a bit.

So, therapists are not an option. I understand.

What about getting some help caring for her?

NDIS is incompetent and slower than frozen jizz. I just want her dead.

That must feel terrible.

She’s going to go when she feels like going.

I guess I might feel the same way. But she’s your mother, and you have to try to make her comfortable.

Try not to let the insults affect you. It’s her disorder talking, not her.

It’s a hard business taking care of someone who has dementia or a chronic disease.
The only solution is to try to get “respite” care through Medicare.

I am guessing your aunt thinks you are OK caring for her. You have to get your mom transferred to a nursing home somehow, or have a helper care for her at home. It sounds like you cannot care for her anymore.

To me it sounds like you ended into this position because everyone else backed off from responsibility.
You are not her only living relative in existence, yet this burden is left to you because you are then only one who is decent enough to take responsibility. That is not how it should be. You have a right to have a life, same as everyone else. Bad thing is, that once you have accepted the responsibility to be the caregiver, others will probably try to bully you into staying in that role because it is most convenient for everyone except you.
The sad truth is, that right now, nobody except you has your best interest at heart. So you are the only person who can really help you.

The sh***y thing is, that by continuing doing what must be done, you also keep on enabling others to avoid their responsibility. So, in my mind, your options are:
1) Get help. Talk with a social worker or your contact person in healthcare and see what help your mother could get. Hired assistant? A place in a nursing home?
2) Get a job, move, or take some other huge responsibility that forces others in the family to come around one table and have the discussion about care of your mother that should taken place a long while ago. Make it clear -and not just by words- that it is impossible for you to continue caring for your mother, and the arrangement must be changed.
Nobody's going to like this, but if you hold your ground, they must eventually deal with the new reality.