My grandfather died

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My girlfriend is making it difficult. She's already told me off for not being sad enough. I tend to internalise my emotions. She wants me to ring members of my family but I'm just not sure what to say to them. I feel talking to them would just make it more difficult for me. Am I being too selfish?

No because everyone has to handle things in their own way.

Condolences on the loss of your grandfather.

Everyone grieves in their own way. Perhaps you can tell your girlfriend how she can help, even if it is just to leave you alone to grieve privately.

This. Grieve (or don't) how it feels right to you.

Sorry for your loss.

I would say that if it's "your task," then maybe she's right. If there are family members who would have no other way of knowing, then for their sake (not your sake, not your girlfriend's sake), you should call.

But if someone else in the family is handling that, then you don't have to and shouldn't be forced to. He was your grandfather after all. I'd only place those calls if no one else was going to do so.

She’s acting like it’s HER grandfather. There’s no one way to grieve. How to tell your family is your business.

She should stay out of it, and just be supportive.

You should tell them, though. Just say.....so and so passed away. If they have any questions, answer them. If they don’t, just leave it alone.

I know it’s hard to convey bad news.

They already know he's dead. She just wants me to call people who already know he's dead and talk about how he's dead.

I suggested we leave the baby with one of her friends during the funeral because the baby cries a lot. Jane refused. She says she doesn't trust the baby with even her closest friend.

It doesn't help that Jane is having a fued with her (until recently) best friend because her husband damaged Jane's non-stick frying pan. I feel that's too small a thing to lose a friend over.

If they want to talk about it with you, don’t refuse.

Otherwise, just leave it alone.

Your wife is being mighty domineering in this instance.

She has a particular set of values. I guess everyone has a set of values. The trouble is, she thinks her set of values is the only one.

I second KK’s wise words. Her culture and expectations for you to behave as she expects you to, are unrealistic. Loss and grief are so personal to each of us. Respect and understanding from her, your significant other, mother of your child, is key. Gently guide her on such things, that she needs to understand that it doesn’t mean you “feel” less. Sorry for your loss.

I'm sorry to hear about your grandfather.
As for your way of dealing with grief and loss, it isn't too selfish at all. Everyone has their own ways of coping with it. Don't let her force you into a way you aren't comfortable with.

She's being inappropriate.

NTA.

Your family most likely know how you react to bad news. And they will assume you want to be left alone. If not then do as KK suggests.

All this sounds so familiar.

Jeez. This is gonna clash so badly; she will take it as a direct violation to their marriage.

For her, he is her grandfather or “uncle” or whatever special label they use in Chinese - but I am sure they have one.

Simply put, marriage in the west is the union of two individuals only; marriage in the orient is the union of two entire families. In other term; for her, his family is hers too.

It is one of the main reasons I find the idea of marrying so overwhelming.

RetroGamer87 I am sorry for your loss.

Because I am an Aspie, I do not show much emotion in situations like this. But on the flip side because I do not show emotions, I can help those individuals that are overwhelmed by emotions. I can be the shoulder that one can lean on. In a way it is like a strength. I can step in and do the things that need to be done.