Struggling and had my first panic attack in awhile

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I just had a panic attack + mild non epileptic seizure (which scared my poor cat )and I haven't had one at home for months. My last home panic attack would have been ages before September, can't say when exactly but they're really rare for me. I just am struggling to handle things right now and real life is aggravating my mental illness.

I basically stay in bed all day, my hygiene is now awful (which makes me feel disgusting), I'm either so nauseous I can eat about a meal a day ravenous, am getting barely any work done and am enjoying things less and less. I also realised that I've probably been experiencing depersonalisation for months because when I look at the mirror it feels like I'm looking at something hollow that isn't me yet moves exactly as I know I am, yet I can't connect to it. I know logically it is mine but it doesn't feel like it, it feels alien and grosses/creeps me out so I try to not look. My sensory stuff sees to be acting up to as I spend most of my day with my sound cancelling headphones on.

I'm so scared of going outside but I know exercise tends to help, but I have no real motivation to do it at home. Having spent about 3 weeks barely getting out of bed, I've lost my fitness and get tired after maybe 5 minutes which is depressing. I'm just terrified of catching covid, less for my sake as I'm quite young, but my anxiety is pretty latched on to the idea that my mother is going to die soon, and it is a belief I had trouble shaking off before (I cried over it many times when I was as young as primary) covid. The goverment in the UK are so useless too, always acting too late and making us go through things way longer than if they just acted earlier and these new variants are making me nervous. The long term affects of covid freak me out too, long covid as well as some of the other stuff younger people are experiencing.

As I said it's also aggravating my mental illness and I feel like I'm losing it. I get horrible, incredibly distressing intrusive thoughts and they've gone into overdrive and I can't escape them. If the aren't convincing me that I am a horrible, messed up person, they're convincing me my future will be horrible and filled with suffering. I juggled about 4 things today at one point and they still wouldn't go. They just attack me again and again the whole day and nothing I can do will make them stop, I try to rationalise with them, and reason with them but it just drags me deeper. They make me feel awful, scary and are constant, I lose hours to them. I have therapy later today but I don't know how much that is going to help.

To make things worse I need to get good grades for my uni offers and my lack of motivation is getting in the way. I have two for really good unis AND both of their offer grades seem to have been lowered because of the pandemic but I just can't get myself to work for them. I feel like I am going crazy and just am helpless, only being able to watch. This stress will probably make my fall out cus of my alopecia too and that just makes me spiral in itself.

Sounds like you’re caught up in a loop there, Iv. Sorry things are so difficult for you. I’d start by telling myself that tomorrow things are going to be “different” ... initiate a plan. Or as Baldrick would say, “a cunning plan”.

The simple act of running a bath first thing when you wake up, is the first step. Bubble bath, preferably ... if you can tolerate perfumed, soothing aromas, that is. This one simple thing helps boost mood. Feeling fresh and clean ... healthy body ... healthier mind ... baby steps. All positive change should be gradual, never moreso than if you’re struggling as you are.

In your journal, write these words once a day or just say them to yourself ... “I Can Do This, I Will Do This. My Body, My Thoughts.”. Until you start believing in yourself. Own the way you live. Take back Control! Mental illness is working against you thoroughly at the moment. Unless you take charge and break the cycle, it will only get worse, before it gets better.

We’re living in crazy times, but there are things we can do to push back and still achieve small triumphs. Once you have the routine of Bath first thing, then initially just 10 mins of floor exercise daily to start, hopefully, you’ll be ready for something to eat, then some study.

It’s important to set yourself targets, but not to beat yourself over not meeting those targets within a particular timeframe. So long as you get the minimum done, over time, before moving onto the next steps. You’re up against it right this moment, but you’re not alone. Others are going through the exact same thing.

A good book, an uplifting or interesting movie, spend just 20mins on drawing an image of how you’re feeling each day, regardless if you’re an artist or not. Express and get these negative feelings out, until you start seeing a happier picture on the paper in front of you. Remind yourself that there are always going to be bad chapters in this book called Life, but that it truly is not the entire Book itself. Find inner strength, fight your way on through, and find your way back into the light, so to speak. You need to get meaningful rhythm and routine back into your days, thus increasing feelings of security and safety. Small changes work together for good and depersonalisation, which I too have experienced can be overcome, but initiating a change of routine is needed. Hugs dear Iv. X

Self care would help here. I'm sorry you're going through this. I assure you that you will be OK.

(((Lvpin)))

Replacing negative self-talk with positive self-talk is difficult. The negative voice seems so much stronger when we are feeling down. At least that is how it seems to me.

The trick for me is to “suspend disbelief.”

Listen to the positive voice even while “knowing” it won’t work.

Hang in there.

Yep. That bubble bath sounds like a good idea.