I Really Don’t See the Point...

Post Reply New Topic

...in continuing to try. I’ve had depression to varying degrees for over fifteen years, and during that time, it has never completely abated. Nothing actually helps, it always comes back full force sooner or later. I’ve tried a heaping bowl of alphabet soup (CBT, DBT, ECT, TMS, etc) and a pharmacy worth of medication, been in-patient and done partial hospitalization programs, and nothing has worked.

At the same time, I do continue to get my hopes up about things. Things that might help the depression. Things that might somehow improve my living situation. Someday being something besides a worthless parasite. Every time, I get my hopes up, and I give it my all, and every time, my hopes are smashed and ground into the ground, time and time again.

So why do I keep doing this? Why do I bother getting my hopes up? What’s the point in continuing to try? There comes a time where one really has tried every option. And continuing to try and try and try with exactly the same result every time is beyond disheartening.

I don’t want to have to try any more. I’m ready to be done. And I have been for over a decade. It’s clear this is not just a temporary thing, and there’s no reason to believe I’d have any reason to be anything but happy to not have to do this any more.

I wish I could be there to dissuade you from those thoughts.

You give excellent Dragon Hugs.

I would hug you like a friend, with no other desire other than to help you feel better.

I wish you wouldn't call yourself a worthless parasite. I'm sure that is not true. But you may be able to find things about your life that are worthy. My daughter and I went to an autistic adult support group. It wasn't really my kind of crowd, but she really enjoyed it and made some friends. She can be a very kind and supportive person. Unable to hold a job, but really a pleasure to know for those lucky enough to know her.

Sometimes, the main thing we can do to find our worth is to matter to other people. Have you tried that?

I can swoop in here with dragon hugs and stuff, but can’t let anyone get to the point where they’d be relying on me for anything, or anything. No matter how hard I try, one thing I am not is reliable. Between my memory, my social phobia, and just plain not knowing what to say, plus being prone to my own bouts of severe depression, I really can’t reliably be anything for anyone else. There is a limit to being understanding of my own issues, I always manage to push people past it.

I find you pretty consistent here when you seek to help others feel better.

You offer hugs, rather than be tough on those people.

I am consistent in my desire to help others and at least help them feel a tiny bit better if I can, but not in my ability to actually do so. What I mean is that I am not the kind of person who others can always come to for support when they need it, and I don’t want anyone to get the impression that I am, or have to let people down when they most need help and I can’t offer it.

At least you do what you can. That’s much better than nothing.

At least you make the effort. That’s better than many people.

You ARE viable. I know that from “knowing” you for a few years on WP.

I wish you had real, in-person support in your life.

Is the cold where you are making you sadder? I know you’re under an Arctic outbreak now.

I try and try, and fail and fail, and it’s worst when that failure affects others as well.

If the cold has anything to do with it, it’s entirely subconsciously.

It just feels like I’ve reached the point where I’ve given everything I have to life, I have nothing left to give, and nothing to show for it, and no sign of any real improvement ever happening.

I empathize...a rare, RARE feeling for me. My depression has been lifelong as well, and I'm now the ripe old age of 57. Tried the same alphabet soup...been in-patient...done partial so many times I have my own assigned seat ...but nothing seems to work...at least not work for long. I wish I had some words of encouragement...but really there's nothing I could say to you...nothing you could say to me. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope that maybe, just maybe, tomorrow will be the day that I find some answers...some relief. I'm sorry you're doing poorly, truly sorry.

I have nothing to offer that wouldn't sound trite in the face of such sadness.

Just wanted to let you know that I read your words and I hope that knowledge helps in some way.

You are "the Little Engine that Could," Miss Dragon.

You have to climb a massive mountain----but you WILL get to the peak, then go back down gently.

Life does have its good side, I promise! There's no need to stop trying! Please don't give up on this world. There's so much you can find joy in if you just look.

I hope all is ok?

Depends on the definition of “ok,” I guess.

How I feel.

I really, really just want to be done. Trying to think of ways to increase my chances of dying sooner rather than later without making it look like I’m trying to kill myself. Guess I still have that fear of judgment even if I’m dead.