Trigger warning! I'm discussing some thoughts I have about an individual with cerebral palsy, namely my ex-fiancé. I am not trying to offend anybody or be insensitive, but because I myself do not have a physical disability, I'm not sure how this might come across to someone who does.
I feel that I need to get this off my chest and get some input from others that might help me process my feelings on this matter.
I've already talked about the psychological abuse and gaslighting my ex subjected me to. While that is a topic for another discussion, I feel that it is relevant and warrants mentioning.
The thing is this: I was never attracted to my ex. After some time I got comfortable being in a relationship with her and became invested in the relationship, but there was always part of me that felt dissatisfied with the fact I never truly felt physically attracted to her, or at least secretly felt that other women were significantly more attractive. There were two reasons why I perused this relationship despite that:
1- She was the first and only woman to ever express romantic interest in me, as far as I was aware. She came up to and directly told me she was interested, no cryptic hints or mixed signals; she made her interest and intentions clear. And after years of nothing but rejections from women, I was feeling desperate.
2- As I mentioned, she has cerebral palsy. She uses a wheelchair and can not stand or walk without an assistive device. Because of this, I was afraid that I was unattracted to her because of her disability. That if I didn't at least give her a chance, I was being shallow and ableist. It is this second point that is what I want to talk about today.
Now, I am fully aware that feeling obligated or guilted into dating someone because of her disability is itself extremely ableist, and for that I apologize.
Thing is, in hindsight I don't think that I was turned off by her disability specifically. Truth is that I never thought she was attractive; specifically her face. I don't want to say she was ugly; but in terms my own completely subjective opinions of what I do and don't find beautiful in a woman's face, she just wasn't doing it for me. I just never found her beautiful, and I don't think I would've if she was able bodied either. And my feelings of desperation aside, I don't think I likely would have dated her at all if she was.
I would like to think that if I truly liked a woman, I wouldn't care if she had a physical disability. But I can't say for certain.
20 Mar 2021, 10:56 am
