Weird self harm urges

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First of all I don't want to trigger anything in anyone so if me writing about this could, please don't read it. So basically TW: disordered eating + self harm

I started taking prozac and my anxiety is definitely better, and I have more energy. However, as the chaotic mental illness has faded, a weird, more calculated type of mental illness has remained. I got given it to help with self harm urges, binge eating and depressive episodes. It's definitely helped me eat better, that's for sure and I can function better because I feel better but I have a really weird preoccupation with self harm, and a different type to what I do now which is fairly minor. I'm resisting the urge but it feels inevitable so I'm planning to get disinfectant and other stuff to make sure if it does, it's as safe as possible. My mum knows this urge has popped up but honestly it's made me feel bad and so I don't want to tell her how so we can remove those things, partly because I don't see a point. I can think of multiple ways even if I had nothing on hand. This makes me feel guilty though but at the same time, after removing the first way I'd think of another and so on and she can't just watch me the whole day. Still, I feel guilty.

I told the GP and she gave me some numbers to call and basically they will continue to monitor things until the two week mark when I am supposed to check in anyway to review the medication. This is so frustrating because I feel better in so many ways, this one aspect just sucks but now, when I think about that used to make me break down, I can move past it so why this?! On top of this, while I don't feel the need to binge eat, my mind is still filled with very disordered thoughts about food. I feel like I should say this to my mum but at the same time, she can't constantly watch over everything I eat and I don't think that would solve the problem like telling my therapist would. Also the weird cold calculating thought pattern is kind of freaking me out because it was always kind of there but I couldn't really focus on it because of the chaos and high emotions I was feeling so now it's just there and creeping me out.

I feel like part of the eating stuff is when I read the letter from the psychiatrist, it said y weight wasn't ideal (I'm somewhat overweight) and that kind of hurt. It's true but kind of sucks and I feel part of me latched on to that. So far I'm just eating healthier but my brain is toying with the idea of starving myself and or overexercising again like I used to when I was younger. The way I'm thinking feels like something that will eventually be done.

This could completely be because I just started out and I hope it is but it's still weirdly better than I felt before and is letting me be healthier. I might even be able to bring myself to do exercise again and my suicidal thoughts are gone. I don't want to feel how I did again but this is still unnerving and is making me feel incredibly guilty. At the same time, I have been honest about parts with my family and I hate it. It's tricky :/

I'm in contact with my therapist more regularly now because of this but I don't know... I hate this.

Try not to feel guilty about adjusting to your medication. I don't know if those side effects will go away or not, but I know what's like to feel uncertain about what should be done about it. I've been on many medications and it's tricky to tell sometimes. I hope that as you tolerate the med more, those unpleasant thoughts calm down. I do hope that if they don't, you talk to your doctor/therapist about them. I also wonder if you're feeling more distracted by thoughts of self harm because it's helping with your eating habits. Like maybe it's a replacement, or your stress is being translated a different way.