Being treated unfairly

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It's been weird at the soup kitchen these past few days. I will admit that sometimes I'm neurotic. I worry way too much sometimes. My mental health is not perfect in other words. I don't think anyone's is. I regret telling the pastor at the soup kitchen that I am lowering my psychiatric medication and trying to go off of it. It's giving me health problems. At least at a lowered dose I feel a bit healthier. Anyway, I think she caught me in the middle of a neurotic episode the other day, and started treating me differently from then on. She has become colder and impersonal with me. The last time I was at the soup kitchen, when she was done handing out stuff to me she stood there with a cold clinical creepy look on her face. It sent chills down my spine. I know she's been assessing me. She is a retired nurse. I've always been uncomfortable around health care workers because they give off cold, clinical vibes. I wish she would just talk to me about it, rather than giving me creepy, clinical looks like that. She has always picked up on when I was having a bad day and was being neurotic. But before I told her I was hospitalized, she was nice about it and simply asked if I was having a bad day. Now she's being weird about things. No one else in the community is acting like this around me. I'm around people every day and talk to them. I used to confide in her and go to that soup kitchen as an escape from a cruel world. My gut is telling me something is wrong here. I went to an old friends house after dealing with the pastor, and my friend said it's probably her with the problem. People have talked about the pastor before and said she's not fair. At first I thought they were just biting the hand that fed them. Kind of a red flag went up one day, when the pastor refused to give me free clothes, even though she gives them to everyone else. She apparently thought I had lots, and am so well off I can afford to buy them. When I buy a few articles of clothes, I don't have enough money left to buy food. So that's bull. The pastor told me not to throw anything out because she's not giving me any free clothes. I said I haven't been throwing anything out, because the place to get free clothes is shut down because of covid, so I keep even the stuff that's too small for me. The pastor and another volunteer laughed at me and the volunteer said, "Put a sweater over it." Then they laughed a bit. I kinda felt like I was being made fun of.

I still want to go to the soup kitchen, but am getting tired of basing my life around that place, and have felt this way a long time now actually. Should I stop going for a while? Maybe I should just avoid it when I have money, but go when I don't. I don't have any money now for like 2 weeks and that really sucks because I don't want to go for a while....not sure what to do. Don't want to feel like I'm dealing with oppression here.

Last edited by Sarahsmith on 12 Feb 2021, 12:27 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Another thing is, since I'm uncomfortable around her, I ACT uncomfortable, so she looks at me even more creepily, not knowing that she is the one creeping me out. That really sucks because I needed that soup kitchen. Should I talk to her about this? Or should I just stay the hell away from that place...

I recommend talking to her, but I agree that she isn't treating you very nicely.

I might do that. Not sure if I'll go Monday. Might skip a few days. I'd like someone to go with me so I'm more comfortable with it. I might end up talking to her, if I'm brave enough.

Totally understandable. An example: I talked to one staff member at my school about their seemingly condescending behaviour towards me and they said something along the lines of 'I don't work with you so I can't change that, sorry'. Really took a blow to my confidence that people would change for me. Good luck with defusing your situation.

It frightens me that I've dealt with just as many "professional" adult bullies as non professional people being bullies. The pastor isn't really a bully but I do feel unnecessarily intimidated.

Oh dear. I do feel sorry for you. No wonder you're afraid of talking with her.

Well I would to in that situation, reminds me of past behavior I did not appreciate from some teachers from my childhood. Also, she's supposed to be a pastor...so if anything she should be ashamed of her behavior.

Even though I am not a christian anymore I remember one pastor I had she was from Korea and she was the kindest person you'd meet. She tried to help when I was having some mental health struggles I even went to the church for a time after school for counseling from her. After I had tried to 'run away' from home and made it as far as the church before I started having second thoughts and ended up knocking on her door(she lived in the house next door to the church(it was basically attached to be fair) at whatever early hour of the morning to tell her what I did and so I could contact my parents. That was more than a little embarrassing but she never judged me for it.

I mean sure everyone is human and can make mistakes and have failings, but seems like she's not even trying to understand...just easily passing judgement. Does not seem very pastor like to me.

I left some long ranting posts last night then deleted them. I'm fed up with life lately. It seems like I have mostly crap to deal with and not enough catharsis. I crave having a soul mate I can confide in but right now it seems like I'll never find anyone. I need to get out there and meet someone but that is difficult in a retirement community and I hate going out to bars to potentially meet someone my age. My old friend said she'll go with me though, but it's funny because I'm in my mid thirties and she's in her mid 50's. Whatever she's cool though.

Mom thinks it's all in my head that the pastor is giving me clinical creepy looks. She thinks I need therapy for my anxiety. I dunno that might happen because I know a nice therapist and probably should have given him a chance to start therapy sessions when I was in the mental hospital. I do have anxiety and most of it has to do about my slum living situation. And now also because I depend on a soup kitchen where I don't know if I can trust the pastor. I just wish life could be good but it feels like mostly BS I have to deal with and not enough plain and simple joy.

Last edited by Sarahsmith on 13 Feb 2021, 2:22 pm, edited 1 time in total.

This seems to sum it up. The pastor goes into full on nurse mode sometimes because she used to be a nurse. Lately I just feel like her patient and not her friend anymore.

Perhaps the situations around the Pastor / nurse has been getting alittle overwhelming for her too.
Running a place like that has to be a handful ... and you being friends with her before you maybe feeling some of those side effects on her . Perhaps if she gets some time , you might ask her when she might have some time , in the future to have a sit down and talk to her ? Sorry you are feeling a disconnect with the Pastor .

I think being a health care worker is really stressful too. So she's always worked in high stress situations and yes, she does seem to be the high strung type. She flipped out on a crazy old guy when he took more than one piece of fruit from the basket at the soup kitchen. And I don't even think he took that much. Just a few apples. She only wanted everyone to have one. I'll be talking to her. I just don't have enough courage to face that woman staring right into my soul and pulling out my demons right now. I'm taking a break from the soup kitchen for a while. I've been wanting to for like a year now anyway. I want to do other things.

What I am going to say is this, you can choose to take it how you will.

She is a former Nurse, you told her you are lowering your meds.

She has probably had some adverse experience in the past regarding that with other people on meds.

I advise you to not talk much about your medications with anyone who absolutely does not need to know, regardless of how nice they seem.

Also, I would keeping in mind, everyone has the capacity to be overwhelming to someone.

Also, life is not fair at times, it’s sad but true.

Again, you can choose to take this how you will. It’s sad she is being cold but people have a choice on how they react to their environment and people in it.

I hope things look up soon.

This. A soup kitchen is a wonderful place and I am glad they exist.

But dealing with all the people there must be taxing mentally.

I also advise OP to show that they can handle lower meds with their actions and words. That is what means something to healthcare professionals a lot of the time.

A meltdown is unavoidable at times, but I would arm yourself with as many comforting things as you can when you are going into a situation in which you might have one.

I think that the lady who giving you cold creepy looks should be Avoided. She is negative and her negative energy is not doing you any good. This may be a bit of pill to swallow but I think that you should look for somewhere else to go instead of that soup kitchen because being around her will not do you any good.

I know I was slightly neurotic and having anxiety when she looked at me like that. But I can’t help it because I find her intimidating. I always have. I was also PMSing then and can act a bit nuts during that time of the month. The pastor has a habit of just standing there not saying anything sometimes when she hands out lunch. I always get nervous when she just stands there not saying anything because I have autism and suck at conversation. I get nervous when anyone stands there looking at me not saying anything and it’s an uncomfortable silence. Then I have trouble acting normal because they’re making me nervous. So yeah. I hope it’s her that’s the problem but I’m open to the fact she might have noticed something about me that isn’t right. But no one else is acting this way towards me, not even my psychiatrist or the people giving me medication. They’ve been saying I’m doing pretty good. So I don’t know. Time will tell. We’ll see how things go.