Ad-hoc Parenting Fail

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I chose to be a parent - given my partner would do near half of the parenting. Generally he has. It goes well when I parent in 2-3 hour increments or else have plans and activities. It does not go well when my spouse is unavailable (yesterday and today), the school declares a weather-related "distance learning" (two kids under 10, one requiring supervision to do work), all our regular activities are closed and the contractor has been hammering for seven hours. I am completely out of spoons and feel awful that parenting my own children for two days in a row by myself is .... some word that means I am at my wits end which then further distresses me.

I could go on-and-on about the negative consequences of gender norms on over three generations of non-gender-conforming women in my family. It was for my grandmother, my mother and I to work and create --- not to take care of our children all day, every day and have dinner on the table. Yet these norms plague us.

The school just called and said they are doing "distance learning" tomorrow also. I don't see how that is necessary. School is cancelled for any little thing these days. I have trainings and meetings I scheduled for tomorrow... Sure, they're not necessary, except I want to retain my SANITY. And then there's the irony that I feel so bad I don't have the spoons to call anybody for help (a babysitter, an emergency playdate). The kids are too loud... too demanding... and yet, that's how kids are, eh? (Although my mom yelled at me so that I didn't make any noise.)

I was so happy yesterday (I expected to care for my kids and was glad the house project was under way) and now I am devastated (I did not expect to care for my kids today and resent the house project). Typical of the AS-women I know, I do not project this on others, I take it on myself and it's eating me alive. I'll feel better in a couple days (assuming the children go back to school or my spouse arranges childcare). Just need to make it through days like this... so embarrassed relative to gender norms.

Oh, dear, hugs to you! There are more of us like that now, all around the world.
Schedule your sanity as top priority. Can your husband take charge of organising things for you? Kick you out for a walk? Can your children survive an hour or two alone at home so you go out and collect your thougths? Screw their schoolwork, this can be made up for later, if necessary. Right now, the top priority is: survive the crisis. Protect what's the most important and it is your mental health.
Afterwards, the time for rebuilds and repairs of other things will come. With your sanity intact, it will be possible.
Sending spoons!

Where's the "failure"? I don't see any "failure." Where's the "failure"?

As long as the kids don't destroy the place, you're okay.

Saying this: I don't know how I would handle being a parent, since I never had kids at the age of 60.

After my post, my NT spouse came to talk me down from the proverbial ledge. He bit his tongue on his typical excuses and so it went fairly well. Although earlier he had dismissed the cues of my advancing crisis, he at least could recognize the crisis at hand and proceed with caution. I finally asked directly that he take responsibility for his parenting role and he will today. Like you, he suggested I get out of the house. When I am in this state of mind, the thought of leaving the house is uncomfortable. I don't like being alone out there when I feel vulnerable.



Ha! Youngest did shatter a lightbulb reaching for wall décor while I was reading a book to him. True, the house remained mostly intact as well as all persons.

I think the trick is to accept my limitations with grace. The failure was that I was at meltdown/shutdown - whatever it's called. My AS-like eldest child could see I was at my breaking point and was quiet and watchful. My NT-like youngest child started yelling at me, so in a not-fine moment I told him to leave, pushed him out of the room, closed the door, got into bed, put in my earplugs and covered my head. Granted my NT friends probably do something similar fairly often but at a lower stress-point. I asked my youngest later whether he had already forgotten about it, or was scarred for life. He said he's scarred for life (but then he's rather a jokester, so hard to know). My NT husband pointed out that externally all was good enough, but internally I was in complete alarm and feeling like I would explode with one more sound, one more touch, etc. I went too far past my limits. I think if somebody had done a blood draw they would have been flabbergasted by the natural chemicals coursing through my body.

Is there a study of biochemical reactions in AS folks when they are approaching or at meltdown/shutdown? Maybe instead of a diabetic sugar monitor, I could get a prolactin (or something) monitor and my spouse could look at his phone and be like: uh, oh... she needs her self-care injection.

Hang in there, Sharon. Hope your husband does help out by booking childcare. Sounds like that would help you out alot.

Sounds like you’re actually doing wonderfully ... and in keeping with what is usually expected of you, coupled with “extra” responsibilities out of the usual. You can only do what you can only do. Your children will survive just fine, but you need to keep yourself running just fine. Sounds like hubby’s turn to step in here. Hugs X

Thank you, all. I very much appreciate the support. Today is a much needed "slow" day. My husband and I are going to meet this weekend and share some of our needs and brainstorm solutions. I am learning to set healthy limits and boundaries.

Your husband sounds like a good and loving person. You're very lucky to have a partnership when raising children.

He is kind. I wouldn't have had children without his commitment to be a caregiver. In fact, we had some difficulties and while many women would have scheduled appts for their husband's and such to make it all happen, I was like ---- nope, if you want kids, you have to do this (be a partner, take responsibility). I didn't know I had ASD at the time, but apparently I instinctually responded to some of my limits.

My husband made me write an essay about why I wanted children.

Then he came out gay when she was six months old, so I've flown solo for 24 years.

^^^ If you don't mind me asking, do you still have the essay? Is it bitter and/or sweet to recall what you wrote?

Do you recognize when you are at a parenting limit and have ways to manage that?

He didn't return it to me after I submitted it, for lack of a better word. He evaluated it and made me debate my rationale, almost putting me through a thesis defence. Then he laughed and said of course we'd have kids, but he wanted to make sure I was committed and prepared. Red flag #5?

I remember saying it was a "natural extension" of my character to care for others, and that I would love / support our child unconditionally. I was determined to make sacrifices by being a stay-at-home mother. I was financially independent, and I would l would be a good role model in many different ways. Cringe -- yes I know this whole charade was ridiculous and I should have told him where to shove my paper.

My limit? That's hard to say. I ended up cutting maternity leave short and going back to work full-time while raising a six-month-old baby and my adopted son/nephew who is only four months older. That certainly wasn't the plan. I wasn't allowed limits despite the fact she's on the spectrum and my boy was ADHD / ODD. I had no choice. My first nervous breakdown was when she was four. It's a long story and yes it's been exhausting but it's likely been for the best, because I'm very independent and wouldn't have liked negotiating every decision along the way. She and I have always been very close and we both respect each other's boundaries with a lot of quiet time to ourselves. We kind of trade the parenting role back and forth as needed, depending on each other's strengths.

Red Flag #5... of how many? (you can take this as a rhetorical question, or not )

Stating the obvious: You were/are a single parent to two children (incl. ODD). Kudos.

Pros and Cons for each parenting situation.

Similarly, my daughter is AS-like and my son is ADHD-like. One of the reasons my daughter didn't receive a DX per the psych is that she communicated well with me: duh, I have AS too - we get each other that way.

Remind me, did you have both your kids diagnosed? If so, at what ages? If not, did you find resources anyways?

Yes, pros and cons. Most certainly. My daughter was diagnosed around the time I was. She was already in her early 20's, but prior to that she had dx of PTSD, separation anxiety, and sensory processing disorder. She's always had meltdowns and typical ASD behaviour, but we didn't have a label for it. She also has a chronic illness / permanent disability, as well as Epilepsy, so most of our energy went toward medical care for her physical ailments. I think she is also ADHD (I'm certain of it), but the testing is cost-prohibitive right now and she already takes about 12 tablets a day for her other conditions, so she refuses to take anything else if she were to be identified ADHD.

My (adopted) son / nephew grew up with emotional challenges, being abandoned by both bio parents who were drug addicts. He is ADHD, ODD, and has Dyslexia. He's actually doing very well for himself and has always been very successful as a self-starter. He lives in Australia now and is planning to stay there.

^^^ Thank you for sharing. Wishing your daughter's medical conditions remain as good and stable as possible, and she's finding her way with the knowledge of ASD. Wow, for your adopted son! I'm glad he has a groove. My son (7yo) would like to be an underwater sea explorer so I wouldn't be surprised if he's out that way some time in his life. Praying we get through the teens and 20s well enough --- those can be difficult years.

Om Nom hugs

That's so sweet about the underwater sea explorer My daughter wanted to be a Titanic expert. At one point she wanted to do this: a) Be a bus driver and drive everyone to work b) Then go work at a hospital as a paediatrician to save the babies all day, then c) Drive everyone home from their jobs with her bus at the end of the day d) Change her clothes and be a pilot at night in the stars. She also wanted to donate mattresses to "the outside kids" when she heard about homelessness.

Kids are amazing!!

Teens and 20's are no different than younger kids, in my opinion. Keep the communication open, and set a good example of tolerance for whatever their life choices may be. Continue with the unconditional love, but also teach solid life skills as much as possible. You can't really go wrong. It sounds like you and your husband are doing a great job as a team, and that's invaluable for kids' development.