Masking

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I'm 35 years old and have been masking my entire life. It's exhausted me, and I can't do it anymore.

I have known that I have Asperger's (ASD? I prefer Asperger's.) since I discovered the term when I was 19. Asperger's then became a special interest of mine, leading me to go to school for early childhood education with an emphasis in special needs, and now I am working for a company that works with children and adults on the spectrum.

It wasn't until within the last few years that anyone mentioned it in relation to me. Two separate times, in conversations that were unrelated to me, my Dad -who is a clinical psychologist- decided to throw in, nonchalantly, that -and I quote- "You have a touch of autism". Both times I didn't even acknowledge the comment partly because I didn't know how to approach it or react to it. I was unnerved by, my father and a mental health professional, making such a life-altering statement as if he were telling me that I have something in my teeth and in such an ignorant way. Not to mention, he has to have known that I am on the spectrum since I was a child, (There was no shortage of signs. For starters, I was born over three months premature and research shows that those with a low birth weight are five times more likely to have autism.), and left me to white-knuckle my way through life.

Anyway, lately I have been experiencing general anxiety, which I think has been amplifying my autistic traits, which I've been trying to work around, which is causing me more stress and exhaustion. I feel like I'm about to shutdown. I'm burned out due to my relationship, school and starting a new job- reviewing for a final and taking in a ton of training information for work in the same week/having a 100 pt. final and a certification exam for work on the same day doesn't help.

With all this said, I'm going to bite the bullet and have a sit down talk with my father about me being on the spectrum, if not this weekend, very soon. It's going to be uncomfortable, to say the least, as my Dad does not like serious discussions, and when I was younger and suffering from (and officially diagnosed with) Major Depressive Disorder and Social Phobia, and would explain to him my struggles, he would scoff and tell me how good I have it, how he sees clients that "are in wheelchairs and get up at 5 AM, catch the bus, and look for work", and how I was using depression and anxiety as excuses... . Hence, bite the bullet.

It would be a massive relief for him to (further) acknowledge, and elaborate on, me having autism, and it would doubly count as an official diagnosis, which I, personally, would like to have.

Are you masking?

For those of you who no longer mask, what lead to you "taking off the mask"? What was it like freeing yourself and doing such things as stimming in public, etc.?

Any advice on telling others that you have autism?

Thank you for reading, and I will appreciate any and all feedback!

~Blair

Hi Blair, nice to find you here again! Welcome back!
My advice on telling others that you have autism is - don't ever do it except you are very sure in front of it that they already know for sure what autism is. In my opinion you possibly don't have Asperger's but may be another kind of autism. Of course the term Asperger's has change a bit over the years. Autism is just a summary term for all kind of mental problems that prevent people from socializing with other people beside of social anxieties (but not excluding those). Asperger is a subset of this but there are lots of other variants as well. Just think about what's up with you regarding that and what things prevent you from socializing.
Once you are watching people very carefully then you'll notice that most people are trying a social behavior that causes them to fit unwritten rules and social norms. But it's just a kind of adaption to the rules of social behavior and not masking. Masking is rather trying to be a way that others are for not being recognized as being different without even knowing why others are that way that you are trying to be for fitting in and for not being recognized as totally different.
Because of this just think about the things that keep you from socializing with other people and make them a list. Once you have such kind of a list (regardless whether it's very long or very short) think about how you can explain it a bit to him. But keep in mind that many autistic people aren't really aware of all their own problems. E.g. people who lack empathy are often unaware that other people have something like that or are able to notice the emotions of others in their voice aso. But may be he'll gets you a little better once you are talking to him.

_________________
I am as I am. Life has to be an adventure!

"Hi Blair, nice to find you here again! Welcome back!"

Thank you Klaus for the feedback and welcome!

"My advice on telling others that you have autism is - don't ever do it except you are very sure in front of it that they already know for sure what autism is."

I won't go around telling others that I have autism, but I will tell those closest to me, and in situations where it is relevant, for instance if it is affecting my work.

"In my opinion you possibly don't have Asperger's but may be another kind of autism. Of course the term Asperger's has change a bit over the years. Autism is just a summary term for all kind of mental problems that prevent people from socializing with other people beside of social anxieties (but not excluding those). Asperger is a subset of this but there are lots of other variants as well. Just think about what's up with you regarding that and what things prevent you from socializing."

Autism and Asperger's are now under the umbrella of "Autism Spectrum Disorder" in the DSM5. I have studied autism, the spectrum and it's various subsets as you say since I was 19, and I can tell you based off of my life experience, observations by others, and all that I have read and watched, especially from women on the spectrum, that I have what used to be called "Asperger's". According to the experts, Tony Attwood for example, females tend to be better at "masking" than males, so well in fact that they are often dismissed as being on the spectrum, and in part because the diagnostic criteria is geared more towards the signs displayed in males. The analogy of masking is often made of actors/actresses on a stage. I can socialize well, but it is exhausting as I am constantly aware of adjusting my facial expressions, eye contact, tone of voice, body posture and I prefer quiet, solitude and surrounding myself with my interests. Most exhausting of all, most people "dump on me", talking at me, on and on and on, about trivial, mundane things, usually gossip about other people, and most of the I act like I'm interested, nodding my head, giving proper responses, partly because of conditioning and partly because I don't want to hurt others feelings.

"Once you are watching people very carefully then you'll notice that most people are trying a social behavior that causes them to fit unwritten rules and social norms. But it's just a kind of adaption to the rules of social behavior and not masking. Masking is rather trying to be a way that others are for not being recognized as being different without even knowing why others are that way that you are trying to be for fitting in and for not being recognized as totally different."

See above.

"Because of this just think about the things that keep you from socializing with other people and make them a list. Once you have such kind of a list (regardless whether it's very long or very short) think about how you can explain it a bit to him. But keep in mind that many autistic people aren't really aware of all their own problems. E.g. people who lack empathy are often unaware that other people have something like that or are able to notice the emotions of others in their voice aso. But may be he'll gets you a little better once you are talking to him."

I have a whole list of my signs of autism since childhood that I made years ago. My Dad knows me well, has often said "You are lightyears ahead of your peers intellectually, but lightyears behind socially". When quarantine started he told me, "You've prepared for this your entire life", lol, as, like I stated, I love my solitude. Plus, he's a psychologist and has recognized some autistic traits, which I am curious to know which ones.

~Blair

I never really realized it recently, but I mask a lot. Due to recent events I have been piecing my life together. I was originally diagnosed with Autism around age 24 before than I thought I might be Autistic based on some research I found, but I shrugged it off thinking someone would have told me if I was Autistic.

Up to year ago, I found myself getting exhausted and angry with myself and wondering why my approach to life wasn't working. I been to therapy in the past and they always told me I was doing great. They loved the way I talked and the sense of confidence I had. They were even convinced my anxiety wasn't all that bad and I was an emotionally strong person suffering from low self-esteem. I thought maybe this is as good as life gets since everyone at some point has to pretend to be something they are not.

I have recently taken COVID as a time to rethink my life as my last job did not end very well. I realized I have been unhappy for a long time and I need to try a new approach. I started a few different therapies, read a few self-help books, and even tried mindfulness. Throughout all this I have realized I was never really living in the moment and I have never been comfortable and constantly living in fear that I am not good enough for society. I become scared of myself and realized I want to get to know who I am and appreciate my own life more.

I'm learning to take off my mask, its scary as I'm getting used to how my body behaves. It's difficult and I'm experiencing a lot of flashbacks as I'm doing things I would have been punished for as a child or silently criticized myself for as an adult. In a way it is freeing as I am learning more about how to be honest with myself and allowing people to either accept or reject me for who I actually am. I think I'll start to develop better connections with people who actually care.

It's really hard to train or "rewire" my brain though. Once I start to relax and let things go my self criticisms cut in and want to sabotage everything since that's what I'm used to doing. I'm learning to ignore this inner voice and keep finding new areas to direct my thoughts to the present.

To be honest I'm still not totally confident with telling people I'm Autistic. I have had really terrible experiences with this in the past and its been a hard thing for me to talk about. I'm in the process of developing healthy strategies to discuss my Autism. I guess the only thing I can suggest is it's really important to open about your Autism in your own terms. In the past I have made the mistake of letting others to do this for me and allowed them to make a big deal out of it (both in negative and positive ways). I have allowed people to just dismiss and not take my diagnosis seriously to allowing people to throwing a party to discuss my diagnosis. It's all really embarrassing and I had no idea what I was doing in both instances. I have learned its very important to take control of your story and to tell people how you honestly feel.

I hope all of this makes sense and I apologize if this is too much info, I just really struggle with making my points precise while still making sense.

Yes, I recall it being absolutely exhausting during peak social times & stronger AS symptoms.

I’ve hardly had to ever mask at all over the last 8 years. Much prefer treating asd and reaping the many benefits - including not having to be exhausted by masking.

_________________
No for supporting trump. Because doing so is deplorable.

Update: Since it's "Autism Awareness Day" (It should be "Autism Acceptance Day") , and I have some free time, I'll be speaking with my father tonight about being autistic! ... .