Hate myself for being ill

Post Reply New Topic

I know this isn't healthy thinking but...

I hate myself for my stomach aches.

Stomach aches are caused by:
Bugs - so I should've washed my hands more and shouldn't be talking to the delivery people and should be washing down the groceries and letters
Cycle - I'm a trans guy so I should've manned up by now and got on t to stop me from having a cycle
Stress - so I should be nicer to myself and stop stressing - vicious cycle with this one
Bad eating - so I should figure out what in my teetotal diet of mainly fruit/vegetables/noodles is making me feel ill
Allergy - see bad eating

Mum says that other people just 'get ill and see it as annoying and don't hate themselves over it'.

I wish I could get to that state.

Ironically I think it would help my stomach ache go away.

Do some people really go all their lives just existing in their brain without their bodies playing up?

Yep....it's a vicious cycle all right.

I used to go through similar things....though I had more of a meat diet.

I'm feeling better this morning...

Either this is a coincidence or this is how I cured it:

I knew my mind couldn't be purely cerebral so I focused on everything else I could feel texture wise. How my legs were feeling, how my face was feeling, what I could touch with my hands.

I woke up in the morning and I had a sore throat which passed and I was back to my usual cerebral self

I normally have a huge mind body disconnect unless it is ill.

I rarely touch something and find it pleasant. I used to find things like tags in clothing unpleasant when I was a kid, and jewellery and badges and stickers and stamps they put on your hands. I either aged out of a lot of that stuff being socially normal or I avoid it.

Self-hate is an act of mental violence, that solves nothing. Try to practice compassion both for yourself and for others. You might try repeating the following prayer once every morning and every night:

THE METTA PRAYER
May all beings be safe.
May all beings be healthy.
May all beings be happy.
May all beings live with ease.

May I be safe.
May I be healthy.
May I be happy.
May I live with ease.

https://www.youtube.com/c/FrankTufano/videos

I want to ask a question which might initially look a bit insensitive though it is intended to open a door to thought;
is it literally, actually, actively, hating yourself; or is the wording of that thought the way which some really deep frustration and/or disappointment gets expressed?



The only data on that I have direct experience with is my body and it has always acted up, so, I am unable to answer that question.

Too much self blame for things over which you have no control.

Even if you did do something to bring the stomach aches on you are still being too harsh on yourself.

Be understanding.

It depends on the time.

In the moment, 'past me' becomes an enemy as I struggle to see what 'past me' did to cause 'current me' pain.

Also end up hating my stomach as separate to myself (my brain).

Want to yell 'shut up stomach' at it but I don't cos I'm not that level of mentally ill/socially awkward.

If your stomach hurts often, it's more likely something out of your control. Maybe you feel negative about yourself because in a world where it's your fault, you do have control over it, which can actually seem in the moment less stressful than no control. I don't know if that's the case or not, but it's something I struggle with myself. Have you been to a doctor about it?

No, I've not been to my Dr since before Covid and there's a bunch of stuff I want to go about.

My medical guardian keeps saying 'well we could go but it will be full of people with the virus so we need to be careful and the queues will be longer than normal'.

That doesn't sound fair. Are you able to insist?

May be it's the teetotal and the lack of meat? Sounds unhealthy. <SCNR>
To be honest I think that you have to skip your noodles and anything that contents gluten. You can try a bit more expensive noodles without gluten. Of course you have to skip most bakery products as well then but an allergy to that isn't a really rare thing. May be you can get tested for this.