“I’d feel more comfortable if that was the case.”

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I don’t recall my mother’s exact words after she brought up feeling scared not being able to see me when I was talking to her about my social security and moving out on my own but when I asked her if I had a girlfriend to move into an apartment with, she replied with something along the lines of “I’d feel more comfortable if that was the case.” which was kind of surprising to hear from her.

If she's fine with you living with a girlfriend, is it possible that she would be fine with you living with a friend (of any gender)?

I'm wondering only because getting a friendship like that is often easier, since there isn't the same type of commitment involved in it, and if one of your priorities is moving out that could allow you to do it faster.

That way you could be independent and out of your mother's control, and have your own place which would be more desirable when trying to find a partner. The friend would also, obviously, be paying rent and utilities which would help you live more comfortably.

Why is it surprising?

IMO, it’s because she knows girlfriends tend to have maternal instincts and will “mother,” you. She’d be more comfortable because she would have a surrogate h00man there to look out for you.

I’ve never asked but it’s possible. I know she often expresses concern about my friends. She looks down on one for not having a job and mostly staying in his housing project and playing video games which she considers immature of him. She was also worried about my role playing gaming friends because they were all, except for one, involved in the military in some fashion (Which is odd because my stepfather is a Vietnam vet) but they aren’t anything to worry about. One of them who is teaching me martial arts is a former combat mercenary and I feel safer around him than my younger cousin who is a cop because this cousin is a bully and is absolutely obsessed with firearms. Sure, my friend likes firearms as well but he likes swords and spears more (Which he is also training me in) and can take down most people in close quarters combat so he doesn’t need a gun most of the time.

But yeah, I imagine my mother would want to know what the hypothetical person is like.



She was often, and still is, critical of my siblings’ partners.

Mark,
I suspect it's also because you have a long and admitted history of depression. You've tried antidepressants and TMI (sorry if I have the wrong acronym?) and you talk about hating yourself sometimes. I know you've come a long way in the past year and I think you are doing really well, but it's only natural that a parent would be apprehensive about their child, of any age, living alone while dealing with mental health concerns. I'm a mother and I know how much I worry about the kids when they experience depression / anxiety and other psychological issues. I'd feel better knowing there was someone with them just to notify me if things got bad. It seems your mother isn't good at expressing her love for you (understatement ...) , but I truly believe that's part of where she's coming from.

In addition she knows that you've never lived alone before, and you have a developmental disability of autism, so she probably feels more at ease thinking of you with a roommate. There are a lot of skills involved in independent living but perhaps you could try to master some of these as you look forward to moving out. That might help to make your mother feel less anxious about the idea overall.

Again I think you're doing really well lately, and I love the way you are learning to consider people's feedback in positive ways. I really hope you can find housing as pointed out by Bea Arthur, and you can continue to strengthen your independence by self-advocacy and continued growth.

Big hugs!

Because they're real partners, not hypothetical partners. She holds an ideal for the partner her children will find, that doesn't mean her kids partners will match it.

I'm sure she'll be critical of your partners too once that changes from a hypothetical to real. And you'll have to learn to compartmentalize her criticism to keep it from actually holding weight, just like your siblings have done.

Well, hopefully your mother will either warm up to some of your current friends or you will find a friend that she's comfortable with.

I really think it'd do you good overall to have more freedom and get experience living independently, and I hope that she sees that.

I was very alone when I purchased my condo and lived in it for two years. I was just as alone when I purchased my house.

Gotta do what you gotta do, girlfriend or not.

Look at the upside, if you're down to get some friction on, you've got a place of your own where you can bring people.

It’s unlikely with my current friends so it would have to be a new friend altogether. My current friends for different reasons already have life commitments. Two of the role playing gaming friends have wives, my friend teaching me martial arts has a girlfriend, and my female friend I know in person who has kept contact with me has a husband as well as a child.

I have told her that I can’t gain experience living independently living with her and there is the harsh truth she won’t be around forever. She’s even acknowledged the latter and brought it up even without having discussions like the one we had. Either her or my grandmother once suggested I live with one of my older cousins if my mother became unable to support me living with her.

You can gain some experience before moving out. I'd suggest starting with a list of the independent life skills you've already mastered, and then determining which of your skills could act as stepping stones to new learning. I'm sure you could google a list of important skills for independent living. Off the top of my head I would recommend: Self-care (regular grooming and personal hygiene including washing your clothes and bedding), arranging and attending appointments, making phone calls or setting up a TTY / Relay service, obtaining a decent credit score and paying your own bills, making and following a budget, simple home repairs, planning / buying and preparing meals, cleaning your home, organising materials, time management, and doing your own taxes. I'm sure you are doing a lot of this already. The balance of skills have to do with the use of your time so you aren't bored, lonely, or homesick.

Out of the things you listed, I can do:

Self-care (I have my own shower and can wash my own clothes as well as my bedding), I make my own appointments and actually pay out of my pocket to see my therapist because the state no longer covers me on therapy (They think I’ve been in it for too long), I can make phone calls, I make/buy my own food if my family makes something I don’t like, I clean my room as well as my cat’s room and if any surfaces are dirty, I organize my own stuff, and I fill out my own income W2 forms.

I also pay for my car’s oil changes, inspections, and registrations.

I see couples that are homeless out on the streets. I guess since their world is different than mine, they don’t have the same dating expectations.

Last edited by Marknis on 26 Mar 2021, 3:31 pm, edited 1 time in total.

The main thing with independence....is that you have make sure you make your rent/mortgage and car payments on time. Even if you're financially stressed, and might not be able to eat out or something.

I learned that lesson. I used to be very irresponsible with money.

Are you able to cook on your own?

I haven’t cooked lately but I know how to warm things up in a skillet and I know how to mix in ingredients. I am just rusty currently because I don’t have much incentive to cook. I can’t even get a coffee date so that doesn’t help things. If I wasn’t being told things like “My boyfriend wouldn’t like that.” or “Oh, I am too busy.”, I would feel more encouraged to practice cooking.

When I get shot down like that, it makes me feel like time isn’t on my side and that my fears of waking up in my old age and still not having a girlfriend or wife feel more and more likely.

What kind of food do you like?

I don't cook for anybody else; I cook for myself.

Tex-Mex (Different than Mexican food), Interior Mexican, Thai, Japanese, Indian, Cajun, English, German, Greek, and Italian. I can cook some Tex-Mex dishes. Unless you really cut yourself off from people, it’s impossible to live in Texas and not know how to cook Ted-Mex food.

I’ve actually been asked if there are Asian, Indian, and Middle Eastern communities in my area because the women in those cultures are often thought to be more “submissive” and supposedly more willing to give a guy like me a chance. Well, those communities do exist here but I didn’t go to a city public school; I first went to a Baptist Christian private school that was 99% Anglo-American and later a country public school that was 50% Anglo and 50% Hispanic. Most people from the Asian, Indian, and Middle Eastern communities went to public city schools so I didn’t get to make social connections with them. A lot of Indian and Middle Eastern women also marry early, partly due to arranged marriages for the former and the latter are majority Muslim. As far as Asians go, many actually have their own churches (I learned this when I started working for the public) and only want to date other Christians. My family was friends with a Chinese family who ran the best Chinese restaurant in the city but their kids were already adults when I was a child. A lot of Hispanic women here are Catholic but some are Baptist or another denomination of Christianity and they tend to want to date only Christian men similar to their female Anglo and African American counterparts.

Last edited by Marknis on 26 Mar 2021, 5:10 pm, edited 2 times in total.

You'd likely feel quite good about yourself if you planned some meals and made them yourself, for practice. You can do online shopping with curbside or delivery to get the ingredients. Online allows you to take your time, watch for sales, and keep a running total of what you're spending before checkout. You can use online recipes or even the recipes on the sides of boxes / cans, to get ideas. I'd start small with sandwiches, melts, wraps, or something like a tex-mex chilli. You don't have to feed anyone else if you don't want to. Even making eggs or salads is a nice start. I'm sure your mother would take notice but ask her to give you some privacy as you build your menu.