Maybe I was wrong to blame autism

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With the encouragement of my family, I thought my isolation and constant negative experiences in the world were due to undiagnosed autism. The milestones I couldn't quite reach, the alienation and destructive relationships, my inability to coexist with others. The long term severe depression that no amount of coping skills heals.

My diagnosis was significant to me because I was always blamed for these things, and having something to point to as a cause relieved that. It allowed me to learn to love myself and to give myself credit for all my effort. But I've been seeking services for help and it feels as helpless as before. The help I need seems to confuse others, as the services I want don't exist. I'm constantly told I am "capable," but it hurts because, well, I'm not. That's why I need help. And I don't understand why other people don't need the things I'm looking for. If I am so 'capable' why have I been put through such cruel scenarios over and over throughout my life?

All my problems point to my autism and childhood neglect. But I haven't found that others share the same experiences. It leads me back to wondering what is wrong.

I feel such a great sense of loss and grief every day. I look at myself in the mirror all the time, trying to see what about me makes people so upset, why I can't simply belong with other people despite my desire and concern for them. I try so very hard to tell myself it isn't me, it isn't my fault. But I have nothing to replace that cause, which makes the argument quite weak. No one else can tell me either. I don't believe it's coincidence that my relationships always fall apart.

Neglect messed me up. But I don't see how the people I befriend could even notice that. They don't understand at all, so ignorance is bliss. I don't ever feel seen. I don't feel they want to see. I have so much love to give, and people treat it as nothing.

Hopefully after the pandemic is over with, there may be some local autistic adult support groups and social groups you can attend and hopefully make some friends there. (Look on Meetup.com and also google "Autism Society Indiana.")

I've noticed that there are also some other people here on Meetup who are from the MidWest. Perhaps you could meet some of them in-person too.

No one will have had the exact same experiences you've had. We're all different. If you've met one autistic person, you've met one autistic person.

But hopefully you'll find some people with whom you have enough in common to feel that you are understood.

Forget What Others Think . Focus on Being You with All Your Personality .

People Can Be Blind . Do You . Don't Overthink it . Our Own Minds Can Inhibit Us Way More Than Actual Reality . Save Your Energy For Loyal People . Fitting in & Pleasing Others is a Long Often Ungratifying Situation . You Can Have Intention to Pass The Keys to Eternity to Others .. and Some Will Toss it on The Dirt Pile . Invest Most Your Energy on Enjoying Your Own Muse