Missing affection but I don't want to use people.

Post Reply New Topic

You know for 19 years I was bullied and beaten, but never once did I turn my rage in apon myself. That is untill I loved for the first time. Her name was Julie and she looked just like a six foot tall Snow White. I did'nt really lose her, she just went away to school. But I couldn't handle having my first kindness physically taken away. So I "discovered" cutting and burning. I never did it again after that. She would call and I asked her to stop it was just prolonging my pain. She said she would call untill I admited I didnt love her anymore. So I lied to her for the first time. Hate never made me harm myself. Alienation never gave me cramps. I asked God to make the pain go away. I woke up numb and let myself be used for sex by older women for nearly a decade.
After living in Indonesia I liked the way men and women were affection with thier own sex. Women hold hands. Men laze around on one another. I wish we could be affectionate and not have to always make it into foreplay.
If you don't want a dog maybe a grandmother will do. She doesn't have to be yours. While teaching in the city community centres I learned how affectionate differently abled childrenm can be.
Just a thought

When I was desperate for affection, I hired an escort. Despite the common belief, they're about more than just sex. Namely, they also provide companionship, affection, comfort, and reassurance. Before or after sex, the escort may give you words of encouragement, hug you, cuddle with you, hold your hand, or simply talk to you. I'm guessing these are the things you were referring to when you said "affection". It's perfectly fine to ask for these things outright; an escort will comply with any reasonable request that fits within her (or the agency's) rules. So if you have no moral qualms about "paying for it", maybe an escort is the way to go. There are also social escorts, the ones that act strictly as companions for an event, but obviously, anything sexual is not allowed in this case.

You are not alone in this...although I do have issues with touch with most people.
But the desire to have affection, not so much sex, from someone of the opposite gender is my own experience as well.
I am fortunate in that I now have a male friend who is happy to give me hugs, and who is just a friend, but he will be off to Australia next year, so it is a double edged sword.
I have pretty much accepted I probably wont end up in a permanent relationship of any kind because I cannot live with another, I do not think, and have no ability in indicating interest or affection towards someone.
I have already met my soulmate, but that is a dead end, so yeah...
I suppose all you can do is make male friends...seems the best route...or hope you find a male friend who is content being just a friend and who is physically affectionate.
I only met my male friend because I went to him for a tarot reading, lol.