Just need to ramble

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I'm becoming so stressed out. Everything that's happened the past year or so has taken a bigger toll on me than I thought it did, and now my intrusive thoughts are worse than they've ever been. I can't even find solace in sleep anymore because I keep having stressful dreams every night, often relating to those thoughts. This morning I woke up so stressed that I had a panic attack over having multiple dreams like that.

At this point I'm just so tired of dealing with constant anxiety, and being so depressed that I can't feel anything but the anxiety. Lately I can't think of anything or focus on anything but dying. The only reason I haven't gone through with trying to kill myself yet is because I need to take care of my pets and my mom, and thinking of doing so makes me feel guilty. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up so I don't have to feel guilty. I don't really get enjoyment out of anything anymore, not even my special interests, and I essentially just wait to be able to sleep everyday so I don't have to be awake.

I also feel pathetic and like an attention whore for feeling like this even though no one in my family knows, but I can't get it to go away. There's people who have much worse circumstances in their life who don't feel like this and aren't as upset by things as I am. My mom even asked if I was depressed last night and I just got frustrated because I don't want her to notice and get upset. I should be able to deal with things better so I'm not like this in the first place and no one has to worry about me. I really just hope I can get over this soon so I don't end up stressing anyone else out.

Seek out the small successes .. I am aware that anything , I write will probably seem trivial , compared to where your mind is at right now . But it is the tiny joys that gat you through the bigger ones. Try to set your focus on he simple things that are easy to achieve .
Probably if someone reaches out to help you even in small ways . Try to consider than they are showing caring.
Just work on getting by day to day .. it’s the small things that can keep you going . Best of all wishes.
A hug is offered .....

Last edited by Jakki on 22 Feb 2021, 5:04 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I am sorry you feel so down. I can relate on many levels. You are not pathetic and you are not an attention whore.

I know what you mean. I keep everything in because I always think my problems aren't important enough. Then people tell me off because I don't talk about things so then I try to talk about stuff and no one listens anyway so I just carry on keeping it to myself. I also don't want to look like an attention seeker.

Ramble all you want anyway.

I've been doing that, but reminders are still helpful, so your advice isn't trivial at all. It's definitely too easy to focus on the bad. It is very hard right now though, because even the little things I get enjoyment from are giving me less and less joy. Hopefully that'll pass soon and I can focus more on those little things. Thank you, Jakki.


Thank you, Marknis. I guess I just feel like one because whenever I open up to people in my family I get reminded that they've had worse happen to them, and that me being upset stresses them out. I feel like it's required of me to be happy all the time, but I honestly can't remember the last time I was properly happy. I have to pretend to be okay a lot and if I can't keep that up I feel guilty.


I'm sorry to hear that you've experienced the same thing, especially people wanting you to open up and then just ignoring you. It's very frustrating having that happen and makes me feel like I'm just looking for attention if I vent to anyone. Thank you for sharing your experience with this.

I think you're a cool guy, Hyrule. And a smart guy.

Huge hugs, Hero.

Please use this space, or any other space, to ramble all you want. Your feelings are valid. You've been through a lot more in the past year(s) than many people your age, or even compared to older people. I'm always around if you want to chat or if there's any way that I can support you directly.

Please know that you're important to us and it's OK to vent.

At least you didn't write

"Just need to RUMBLE"

I hope you are feeling even just a little better. You deserve happiness. There's also nothing wrong with needing to let your feelings out online or in real life. It's much better to say how you feel than to bottle it all up. Hoping for your improved mood soon.

Thank you, guys. Being able to vent here and get stuff off my mind was really helpful, and now I feel a bit better a few days later.

Besides the barrage of trigger events over the last year or so, have other things in your life changed? Diet, exercise, sleep, Sun exposure, exercise, water consumption? All the basic healthy living things. If they've slipped a bit, or a lot, they could be contributing to having such negative reactions to the barrage of crap that 2020/2021 have been.

My diet, level of exercise, and quality of sleep are definitely not as good as they used to be a year or so ago. I've been trying to fix my diet and exercise more, and it's helped me feel a bit better.

I need to ramble a bit again.

I'm still really depressed. I talked to my mom the other day and she said I can go to therapy soon, since she thinks I have PTSD, but I don't know when I'm going to be able to do that or if they'll even listen to me. I have anxiety over it since I haven't had good experiences with therapy so far. I don't know if I can handle being belittled again and I fear that happening. I don't really trust anyone to take me seriously or actually care, so it's going to be hard to open up to the therapist in the first place.

I'm also very dysphoric lately, which is bothering me and contributing to my anxiety. I don't feel like anyone in my life but my mom takes me seriously regarding my gender. Everyone calls me a girl all the time and uses my birthname. I can't even really say anything because people make me feel guilty if I mention it, even though it's been 6 years since I've been "out".

I've also been trying to lose weight and being dysphoric is making it tempting to lose a lot more weight than I need to. When I was underweight I didn't have as much of a feminine body shape and people in public mostly thought I was male. I also didn't get as upset by looking at my body. I can't really open up about this to anyone I know though, because they'll freak out. I just want to feel more comfortable in my body.

*hug*

How's the lgbt community where you live?

It's pretty thriving here with a lot of very supportive people. It's not easy times for non binary people, but I'm sure it's easier having similar people to connect with, chat with, make friends with, hangout with etc - and of course just run of the mill gays like myself with nb/trans friends. A whole lot of acceptance in the lgbt community.

Would you be able to meet with a therapist who specialises in transgender issues? My relative who is transmale needed to meet with one for several months to be approved for gender revision surgery, to ensure that their mental health needs were met. They really enjoyed the experience and felt understood. I know that gender isn't your only concern for therapy, but it might be helpful to look for a specialist if you're able / covered.

Hugs, Hero.