Recurring issues with anger and aggressive thoughts

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For awhile I've been having issues with getting easily angry, and having aggressive thoughts when I get angry. I fortunately don't express this anger or these thoughts when they're toward other people, as I am good at repressing things like that, but it's starting to bother me.

When I become frustrated it's like it immediately turns into anger, and it's often intense enough anger that it makes me think about doing things to myself or others that I normally wouldn't do. I immediately feel guilty and stupid once I calm down, though it does take me a long time to fully calm down, and it seems like trying to do so sometimes aggravates me further. It's even made me have more meltdowns than usual, especially ones where I engage in self injurious behaviour. I have also been struggling with suicidal thoughts lately from being depressed, and when I get angry like this it makes them a lot worse.

I have no idea why I am having this issue, but it's upsetting since I don't think that I am normally an angry and aggressive person. I feel like my impulse control is constantly being tested, and like I am not allowed any control over my emotions and thoughts.

I don't even entirely want to post this because I am embarrassed about having problems like this, I haven't talked to anyone specific about it, but it seems the more I repress and ignore it the more frustrated I get so I am trying to vent about it.

Overall, I just wish this issue would go away so I can feel like I have more control over myself and not feel guilty all the time.

It sounds like flooding (I posted on the other site about that), or trauma and ADHD combined with alexithymia. I go through spells of being emotionally volatile whenever I feel vulnerable because of emotional triggers. My therapist got me journalling on a daily basis, and deconstructing my emotions to name them. That has helped although I need a lot of guidance and support naming my emotions using a "feelings wheel" or sometimes just identifying my physical sensations which I learned to do with my Occupational Therapist. How is your interoception ability? Can you recognise your physical responses to emotion / stress building up before you snap? Have you tracked it to see if it's related to hormonal cycles or PMS / PMDD?

If I know more about your developmental level in terms of alexithymia and interoception I might be able to help a bit. This is something I've struggled with A LOT as you know, and I think I finally have a handle on it.

Message me if you want to chat more.