When people won't help themselves

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... that's when I'm done. I need to stay out of Haven and to a lesser extent, Wrongplanet, completely. Somebody else can carry the torch - I nominate Isabella.

(Sorry, Isabella! But you're doing a great job.)

People try but the right or best solutions are not out there...

The present solutions simply don't work.

Don't be too hard on them.

What has happened to upset you?

It is hard to help people when every suggestion is met with an excuse, and when the people you are trying to help are so tightly focused on the past that the future means nothing to them.  Sometimes, it is best to pull away from those people and pretend they do not exist.  Harsh, yes; but it is either make a clean break from them or get sucked into whatever hell they inhabit.

At least you tried, Bea; you deserve that much credit ... maybe more.

Depression can sometimes cause people to try to find an answer that isn't there, and irrationally think that other people are going to magically solve their problems. This is why I hate depression. It gets you into an isolated trap.
Also depression makes you seek reassurance or a magic solution to your problems, but any advice people offer to you isn't good enough.

Dealing with someone with depression requires patience, which most people do lack (Aspie or not). It's just a human thing on both parts.

It requires more than just patience.  It requires sincere belief that what you are doing has a positive effect.  It also requires hope.  Once a person realizes that hopelessness and negativity are the only operative conditions, and that no amount of patience will improve the situation, walking away and never looking back are the only things left to do.

Wait what?! No way, Bea! I beg amnesty! I'm sick and burnt out!

We need you and your sagely, rational advice. Please stay!

I was going to ask you for an update today. How are things are going with your husband? How are you feeling?

I don't know if people don't want help, or just don't have agency to help themselves, or what.

But I have learned a couple of things. The most important thing, I think, is that after numerous suggestions have been offered, and the poster keeps denying there is any help, or that won't work, or you don't understand how bad it is, etc....continuing to offer help actually helps the other person to further dig into his/her pit of negativity.

I don't believe it is harsh to stop "helping,", I think that the "helping" only makes things worse (in the situations we are talking about). The kindest thing is to let the person alone so they can think about what they are doing.

My husband is getting older and crazier. He turned 80 this week, and we had some good family time with his relatives. We are getting out a bit more now, for instance more doctor appointments and we'll return to pool exercise later this week. Husband used to make a frustrated sound and when I'd ask him what he was looking for, he'd tell me and I'd find the item. Now he makes a frustrated sound and when I ask what he's looking for, he can't remember! He's standing there looking for something but doesn't even remember what it is.

I'm not doing too badly, myself. I've lost a little weight, which was an important personal goal. Thank you for asking.

I'm sorry you're sick. Don't put out more effort than you can spare.

This is pretty much the only solution. If you think someone isn't bothering to take your repeated "help" but they keep asking for "help", then stop giving them it. It just feeds them asking but not actually doing anything about their situation.

Not getting sucked into one's personal hell is the most important part when dealing with someone with mental health issues. Whatever the cost (ok, up to cutting all contact, no crimes, please ), this is the priority, because once you're enmeshed in their crazy world, you won't be able to give any real help. You sometimes have to accept that maybe you just can't help that person and focus on damage control.

I've been on both sides of it and it just works that way.

They may only be seeking attention.

There.  I said it.  Attention 'feeds' them in some way.

Some people may derive their sense of self-worth only through playing the "Poor Me" game.

Game Play (condensed summary):

• 'X' feels the world in general is "unfair" to him or her
• 'X' tells his or her story to 'Y', lamenting how unlucky he or she is, how unfair things are
• 'Y' offers sympathy, concern, and helpful suggestions
• 'Y' also now has gained something (i.e., social capital, attention, pity, et cetera)

If 'X' ever applies those suggestions, and gets out of whatever rut he or she is in, then 'X' loses the ability to gain whatever it is he or she has been seeking, so it is to the personal advantage of 'X' to never improve or change his or her behavior -- he or she will continue to lament, finding a new 'Y' when the old ones wake up and move on.

Of course, this is all just an 'armchair' assumption on my part, as I am NOT an appropriately-trained and licensed mental-health professional.

Yeah, that's basically what I meant, but I didn't want to be blunt and say that. Sometimes people just want attention and giving them that doesn't benefit you or them, it just encourages them to do nothing but seek attention.

There is a subset of poor-me types on most autism forums, I have found. Note, I did NOT say "all autistic people just want attention." A forum is a place where emotional support can be sought and there is little penalty for failure to improve.

I'm invested in living life to the fullest, so I'm not looking for avenues of non-improvement and sympathy for my hard lot in life. So, label me "doing other things."

I'm sorry to hear of your husband's cognitive decline. It must be very hard on you, and I know you don't like to ask for support very often. Don't forget we're all here for you, too. Congrats also on the weight loss!

Hugs

Dear Bea,
Watching him change must be heartbreaking; I am so sorry you are going through this.

Of course, Bea; I never meant to imply anything different.You have done well, and I hope the best for you and yours.