So I admitted that I don't like children

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That's one of society's taboos isn't it. You're expected to like children. It's a part of our culture. If you say you don't like children, that's tantamount to saying you don't like dogs (I don't like dogs either).

My partner told me to hold our daughter. I went upstairs to her loudly crying with her face covered in snot. It wasn't cute. But babies are always cute. That's what our culture says.

I complained about the situation to no one in particular. My partner heard it. It made her mad. But she had been making similar complaints earlier this morning. I was confused about why she's allowed to complain and I'm not.

I felt like I always have to keep up this act that our daughter is the nicest, cutest person in the world. I got mad said that I have to pretend to love her because society expects me too.

This made my partner really sad. Maybe it was a bad thing to say but I'm tired of pretending. I don't like children. Especially the younger ones.

My partner said she would tell some relationship counsiler in three months and I don't even mind. I feel like this is an issue to be dealt with rather kept secret.

So what can I do? My problems are twofold. The first problem is that I dislike children but I have to live with one. I feel tired of pretending that I like children. It's like masking. That thing that aspies do to appear normal in society. Now I have to act like a normal parent.

The second problem is that I really upset my partner. I don't blame her for being upset. I feel like after this there's nothing I can say that will cheer her up.

That's your daughter.

You might not like children----but you do love your daughter, right?

I'm not criticizing you. I'm thinking maybe you're pissed off at the mother more than at the child.

Maybe, as she grows older and does cute things, and calls you daddy, and holds your hand, you might fall in love with her.

To be honest, I don't know if I would have been a good father----but there are times when I wish I had a child.

What I'm thinking: is that you're a little down, and you're venting. If you get a good sleep, you'll change your mind.

I would agree with KT. Maybe you should talk with a therapist. I'm sorry you're going through this.

I'm not sure. I don't know who I'm pissed off at anymore.

I guess I got mad at her when she said I wasn't being normal. That's not just her. All of society expects us to be normal. Like we're all expected to love babies and dogs and the local sports team while living in a house with a white picket fence.

I guess I'm upset because saying my daughter can sometimes be difficult feels like breaking some social taboo. Some of the social contract I never signed. I remember saying to my uncle a few weeks ago that parenting is hard work and he said it's not work, it's fun.

He's wrong. It's work. He tried to help me with my parenting problems but he somehow managed to make it all about him. He's just upset that he only gets to see his daugher for two hours per week after his seperation.

I get to listen to him and a lot of other parents talk about how their child is the smartest person who ever lived. I don't think like that. It's probable that my daughter will fit in the round part of the bellcurve like most other people.That's what I said to the mother a few weeks ago. That I might get on better with my daughter when she's a child, not a baby. It really pissed the mother off.

I know I've complained about the mother a lot but after all this, there's still a part of me that wants to please her. I could be nice to my daughter to please the mother, but somehow that feels like the wrong reason.

Any opinions that my attitude will be harmful to the child are valid and almost certainly correct. I should love the child. I'm just not sure if I'd be pretending. In a way faking it feels even more wrong than not doing it at all.

She won't be an infant for long. Most babies become cute when they start social-smiling at about 2 months.

And when they start to be able to roll over, they get even cuter.

Then when they can sit up, etc.

How old is your daughter now?

Of course raising kids is work! It's hard sometimes. There are times when my mother "hated" me----but she never stopped loving me. I was a hard kid to get along with.

Children actually biologically need love and affection in order to grow up properly. It's been scientifically proven.

I'm thinking you're in a depression now....but tomorrow you will change your mind about your daughter.

I think parents sometimes go through this stuff when they get frustrated with their kids. I think tomorrow you will see your daughter do something cute, and you will warm up to her.

Last edited by kraftiekortie on 23 Apr 2021, 8:01 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I bet you could tell us a few cute things that your daughter has done recently.....

I believe I would have had difficulties being a good parent. And I would have been frustrated, too. And I might have written a post such as yours out of frustration.

Try to only think of your baby daughter, and not your baby daughter combined with the mother. The baby can't be blamed for the mother's irritations.

Last edited by kraftiekortie on 23 Apr 2021, 8:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.

^ By my estimation she's 8 months old. She would be sitting up and learning to crawl as her next milestone. She likely has a couple of teeth, and she likely drools a lot like RG said.

Hugs RG. Babies are a lot different from children. They're nonverbal, and by definition you as an autistic person aren't good at reading nonverbal signals. On top of that, babies disrupt our routines and cause sensory mayhem with their messes and goopy food. They don't have much personality other than being "innocent" or finicky. Please be assured as she ages, learns to speak, and develops interests of her own it will be a lot easier to relate to her. You'll be able to reason with her and make decisions for her development instead of letting her run the show by crying, or soiling herself at inopportune times.

I agree it's a good breakthrough for you to admit this to your partner. Counselling would be a great idea because it's possible you have postnatal depression. That's nothing to be ashamed of.

Hugs RG.

No teeth yet. She's been crawling for a while. In some ways that makes her more difficult to look after.Yes! That's the problem. When I look after her, she may cry and then I don't know what she wants. Her mother seems to have an almost supernatural ability to know what she wants. Then she gets mad at me for not knowing what she wants and dealing with it.

I sometimes feel a little scared to look after the baby, not because of the baby herself but because of how the mother will react.

She totally doesn't understand aspergergers. If we have some counselling I'm going to make a point of how she understands I'm not good with non-verbal communication. I fully accept that there will be many areas in which I have to improve too.Yes. When she gets the food all over her face it makes me want to run away. When she blows bubbles with her snot it makes me want to run and hide.

Her mother doesn't have any sensory problems. She's quite happy to eat the left over baby food.

I guess I'm pretty sensative. I'm terrified that I might accidentally touch some breast milk. I know it won't harm me but it just seems gross.

Yep. That’s true. She might be so hung up on the mother that she barely notices you.

But as she gets older, and you treat her well, she’ll warm up to you.

Yep. Mothers can be a trip when it comes to the baby. Fathers can be out on the wayside as far as affection from the mother is concerned. It can be most disconcerting to a father. His emotional needs might not be top priority for the mother.

Retro, I had a very difficult time when my son told me he was abandoning his wife and newborn son. This was a major separation, leaving them behind in Sweden, with him moving back to the US. I was shocked and quite ready to chastise him greatly.

I spoke to two knowledgeable professionals whom I trust. Both told me that an infant is not necessarily harmed by the father’s absence during the first year or so.

It is not unusual for fathers to lack the immediate connection that most mothers feel. It may come later for you, or it may not. You may want or not want therapy. In past posts it has seemed to me this child’s mother places unreasonable demands on you.

Take care.

(((Retro)))

Ok none of us were perfect parents. For me it was the night time screaming combined with my sleep deprivation, I also may not have handled things appropriately. There is no manual for how to be a dad. You just have to learn and work with your wife to make your daughter a happy baby.

But please work on your phobias as it doesn't help.

There's nothing wrong with disliking children, unless you're a parent yourself disliking your OWN child. I dislike children in general and I don't find newborn babies very cute even though I have to say "he/she's beautiful" whenever someone posts a picture of their newborn on Facebook (I might as well be saying an ordinary brick wall is beautiful), but I do love the children that I know, like my relative's and friend's children.

It sounds like you might be suffering from postnatal depression, although I thought that was more common in mothers but I guess fathers can have it too.

I'd say it's both, it's wonderful (for me) but it's also unbelievably stressful!

I know I suggested postnatal depression for your wife when you told us what you were going through with her but dads can get it too (as Joe90 posted while I was writing my post). Obviously I don't know but please do talk to a doctor if you can. Wish I could help you in some way. You don't have to think babies are cute at all but hopefully you will be able to access/develope feelings of love for yours and that should help with the stress and disgust. Try interacting with her when she's happy and willing to grin and giggle at you.

Yup, it's a taboo here too, though from what I've seen, in this day and age not liking animals seems to be way bigger taboo than not liking children.

Not feeling love towards one's own child from the very beginning is normal, but it's a taboo subject even for many health care professionals, especially if the one who doesn't feel the love is the mother. From what I've read, people like this will usually learn to love their child eventually as they spend time with it and learn to know it's personality. From what others said, I concluded that your child is already around eight months old, but if her mother is the one who's mainly taken care of her, it's not that surprising or alarming if you haven't formed a strong enough bond with her yet that it could be called love. As things are now, the important thing is that you care about her and show it. It's fine if certain things about your own child make you uncomfortable, it's normal, just do your best when it comes to physically taking care of her and being emotionally present. If you or your partner feel like what you can do isn't enough, which both of you apparently do, talk about it and try to get her to help you to do things in a different, better way. A good parent is not someone who never makes mistakes, it's someone who acknowledges their own mistakes and faults and is willing to work on them for the sake of the child and the family.

She's going to see a psychologist about her postnatal depression. Maybe I should see one too. I'm not sure I'll get a high score on the K10 test because at the moment I'm not feeling very depressed about other things, only parenting.

I'm just so mad at her friend. When I tried to encourage her to see a psychologist for her mental illness, her bogan friend acted like I was trying to insult her for saying she may have a mental illness rather than trying to encourage her to get help. Then he tried to insult me by saying I have a mental ilness. My opinion of him went down a few pegs because I feel like him using mental illness as an insult is just stigmatising people who suffer from that.

It doesn’t matter what score you get.

Even purportedly “normal” people see therapists.