Today is the worst day in my entire life. I wish I was dead
30 Apr 2021, 3:20 am
If anyone is wondering why I've been posting like crazy on WP today and have been addicted here today its because thats been my only way of numbing and distracting myself from the pain, torment and hell engulfing me today and without it I dont know how I would have survived today. However I cant take this pain anymore so I might as well come clean and explain why today more than any other day in my life is the worst day ever.
Before today ive been suffering so much from losing my money, suffering severe injuries robbing me of mental clarity and peace, losing my job, getting knocked out by racist trash, my dad suffering cancer, and so many other horrible things that id rather not go over. All that pain has built up cumulatively over time and as a result ive been carrying a bigger and bigger load. However that doesnt excuse the rest of my mistake, but its just context.
I'm normally a stoic, calm, reserved and composed person, disciplined and would never even in my enemy's wildest dreams do something this impossible and out of character. There's a girl at work who likes me but who I ignore and dont even look at out of modesty, morality and because its the right thing to do. I dont allow myself immorality and know that morals are strict when it comes to this However 2 days ago while already in a terrible headspace after being knocked out at work days earlier I wasn't thinking straight and instead of ignoring this girl and avoiding looking at her like I normally do, I made eye contact and engaged her as she tried talking to me. I knew what I was doing was wrong and it violates all moral principles about being careful not to indulge immorality talking to someone of the opposite sex without supervision (in Muslim culture its forbidden absolutely for non-Mehram men and women to be alone together. non-Mehram means people who arent blood related such as sisters, moms, aunts, or not married to).
While talking to her she kissed me on the lips and rather than pushing her away or rebuffing her I stood passively and did nothing. There went my morals and character in 1 day.
After that happened I felt awful, dirty, disgusting and terrible and like I committed the worst crime in the world. I felt evil and disgusting and horrible. Ive never ever felt more horrible in my life. Yet things got even worse
I dont know how or who the hell was stalking me to even take a picture of this, or if another coworker used security footage I dont know, but somehow that kiss was caught on camera and shared wildly throughout the community. In 1 day besides just my morals and character being eviscerated and desecrated my reputation in the community at large, even thousands of miles away in Palestine, has gone down the drain and im being humiliated by everyone. The once modest, righteous and virtuous kind and gentle soul everyone knew me as is now reviled, derided and scorned as an evil, licentious and dirty hypocrite. When my father found out what happened he refused to look at me out of shame. My uncle who owns the store fired me after that.
I'm so ashamed of this all ive been unable to even go out in public. im sequestering myself in my house from how ashamed I am of what I did and how everyone reviles me.
random relatives who I dont even know, literally ive never even met them, have been sending me voicemails and messages telling me how disgusted they are with and how ashamed they are with me.
And the sad thing is? They're right. What I did was wrong, unjustified and disgusting. In our culture its absolutely forbidden for there to be any love, relationship or any activity like that outside marriage, its absolutely taboo, and by violating such a horrible taboo with it caught on camera I feel like I undid myself and destroyed whatever last vestiges of morality and honor I had left.
I wish I can have my honor back
_________________
"One often meets his destiny on the road he takes to avoid it."
Master Oogway
30 Apr 2021, 4:11 am
Before today ive been suffering so much from losing my money, suffering severe injuries robbing me of mental clarity and peace, losing my job, getting knocked out by racist trash, my dad suffering cancer, and so many other horrible things that id rather not go over. All that pain has built up cumulatively over time and as a result ive been carrying a bigger and bigger load. However that doesnt excuse the rest of my mistake, but its just context.
I'm normally a stoic, calm, reserved and composed person, disciplined and would never even in my enemy's wildest dreams do something this impossible and out of character. There's a girl at work who likes me but who I ignore and dont even look at out of modesty, morality and because its the right thing to do. I dont allow myself immorality and know that morals are strict when it comes to this However 2 days ago while already in a terrible headspace after being knocked out at work days earlier I wasn't thinking straight and instead of ignoring this girl and avoiding looking at her like I normally do, I made eye contact and engaged her as she tried talking to me. I knew what I was doing was wrong and it violates all moral principles about being careful not to indulge immorality talking to someone of the opposite sex without supervision (in Muslim culture its forbidden absolutely for non-Mehram men and women to be alone together. non-Mehram means people who arent blood related such as sisters, moms, aunts, or not married to).
While talking to her she kissed me on the lips and rather than pushing her away or rebuffing her I stood passively and did nothing. There went my morals and character in 1 day.
After that happened I felt awful, dirty, disgusting and terrible and like I committed the worst crime in the world. I felt evil and disgusting and horrible. Ive never ever felt more horrible in my life. Yet things got even worse
I dont know how or who the hell was stalking me to even take a picture of this, or if another coworker used security footage I dont know, but somehow that kiss was caught on camera and shared wildly throughout the community. In 1 day besides just my morals and character being eviscerated and desecrated my reputation in the community at large, even thousands of miles away in Palestine, has gone down the drain and im being humiliated by everyone. The once modest, righteous and virtuous kind and gentle soul everyone knew me as is now reviled, derided and scorned as an evil, licentious and dirty hypocrite. When my father found out what happened he refused to look at me out of shame. My uncle who owns the store fired me after that.
I'm so ashamed of this all ive been unable to even go out in public. im sequestering myself in my house from how ashamed I am of what I did and how everyone reviles me.
random relatives who I dont even know, literally ive never even met them, have been sending me voicemails and messages telling me how disgusted they are with and how ashamed they are with me.
And the sad thing is? They're right. What I did was wrong, unjustified and disgusting. In our culture its absolutely forbidden for there to be any love, relationship or any activity like that outside marriage, its absolutely taboo, and by violating such a horrible taboo with it caught on camera I feel like I undid myself and destroyed whatever last vestiges of morality and honor I had left.
I wish I can have my honor back
Just lie and say you maybe had a seizure due to low blood sugar, go see a sezure doctor, take some fake medication and write a letter of apology
30 Apr 2021, 4:34 am
Before today ive been suffering so much from losing my money, suffering severe injuries robbing me of mental clarity and peace, losing my job, getting knocked out by racist trash, my dad suffering cancer, and so many other horrible things that id rather not go over. All that pain has built up cumulatively over time and as a result ive been carrying a bigger and bigger load. However that doesnt excuse the rest of my mistake, but its just context.
I'm normally a stoic, calm, reserved and composed person, disciplined and would never even in my enemy's wildest dreams do something this impossible and out of character. There's a girl at work who likes me but who I ignore and dont even look at out of modesty, morality and because its the right thing to do. I dont allow myself immorality and know that morals are strict when it comes to this However 2 days ago while already in a terrible headspace after being knocked out at work days earlier I wasn't thinking straight and instead of ignoring this girl and avoiding looking at her like I normally do, I made eye contact and engaged her as she tried talking to me. I knew what I was doing was wrong and it violates all moral principles about being careful not to indulge immorality talking to someone of the opposite sex without supervision (in Muslim culture its forbidden absolutely for non-Mehram men and women to be alone together. non-Mehram means people who arent blood related such as sisters, moms, aunts, or not married to).
While talking to her she kissed me on the lips and rather than pushing her away or rebuffing her I stood passively and did nothing. There went my morals and character in 1 day.
After that happened I felt awful, dirty, disgusting and terrible and like I committed the worst crime in the world. I felt evil and disgusting and horrible. Ive never ever felt more horrible in my life. Yet things got even worse
I dont know how or who the hell was stalking me to even take a picture of this, or if another coworker used security footage I dont know, but somehow that kiss was caught on camera and shared wildly throughout the community. In 1 day besides just my morals and character being eviscerated and desecrated my reputation in the community at large, even thousands of miles away in Palestine, has gone down the drain and im being humiliated by everyone. The once modest, righteous and virtuous kind and gentle soul everyone knew me as is now reviled, derided and scorned as an evil, licentious and dirty hypocrite. When my father found out what happened he refused to look at me out of shame. My uncle who owns the store fired me after that.
I'm so ashamed of this all ive been unable to even go out in public. im sequestering myself in my house from how ashamed I am of what I did and how everyone reviles me.
random relatives who I dont even know, literally ive never even met them, have been sending me voicemails and messages telling me how disgusted they are with and how ashamed they are with me.
And the sad thing is? They're right. What I did was wrong, unjustified and disgusting. In our culture its absolutely forbidden for there to be any love, relationship or any activity like that outside marriage, its absolutely taboo, and by violating such a horrible taboo with it caught on camera I feel like I undid myself and destroyed whatever last vestiges of morality and honor I had left.
I wish I can have my honor back
Just lie and say you maybe had a seizure due to low blood sugar, go see a sezure doctor, take some fake medication and write a letter of apology
I dont appreciate mockery and nonsense in a serious thread.
_________________
"One often meets his destiny on the road he takes to avoid it."
Master Oogway
OutsideView
Veteran
Joined: 4 Oct 2017
Age: 42
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,022
Location: England ^not male but apparently you can't change it
30 Apr 2021, 5:10 am
And the sad thing is? They're right. What I did was wrong, unjustified and disgusting. In our culture its absolutely forbidden for there to be any love, relationship or any activity like that outside marriage, its absolutely taboo, and by violating such a horrible taboo with it caught on camera I feel like I undid myself and destroyed whatever last vestiges of morality and honor I had left.
I know you won't agree with me but they are the ones who are being disgusting and shameful! I can almost guarantee that a lot of the people doing this to you have made mistakes themselves. From what you've said about your morality it seems you have put a lot of effort into being compassionate to others, you deserve some of that back.
_________________
Silence lies steadily against the wood and stone of Hill House. And we who walk here, walk alone.
30 Apr 2021, 5:31 am
And the sad thing is? They're right. What I did was wrong, unjustified and disgusting. In our culture its absolutely forbidden for there to be any love, relationship or any activity like that outside marriage, its absolutely taboo, and by violating such a horrible taboo with it caught on camera I feel like I undid myself and destroyed whatever last vestiges of morality and honor I had left.
I know you won't agree with me but they are the ones who are being disgusting and shameful! I can almost guarantee that a lot of the people doing this to you have made mistakes themselves. From what you've said about your morality it seems you have put a lot of effort into being compassionate to others, you deserve some of that back.
I'm certain none of them ever made such a horrible mistake because in a strict Palestinian culture doing something that crazy is tantamount to suicide. I blundered bad and know it. I shouldn't have talked to that girl, I shouldn't have looked at her, and I definitely should have pushed her away rather than passively doing nothing as my morals were being violated.
I hate to say this but I brought all this suffering down upon myself and I wish I can take it back. The sad thing is I cant take it back and no amount of contrition nor guilt will change the fact that like an idiot I threw away my life and made my already awful life even worse.
_________________
"One often meets his destiny on the road he takes to avoid it."
Master Oogway
OutsideView
Veteran
Joined: 4 Oct 2017
Age: 42
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,022
Location: England ^not male but apparently you can't change it
30 Apr 2021, 6:10 am
I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time! Excuse me for being ignorant but is this quote (taken fron a kids' education page) relevant to your culture?
The term used to forgive people who have done wrong is 'to pardon', just as Allah will forgive people on the Day of Judgement for things which they have done.
Muslims believe no person is perfect, and everyone is capable of wrongdoing and deserves forgiveness.
_________________
Silence lies steadily against the wood and stone of Hill House. And we who walk here, walk alone.
30 Apr 2021, 1:34 pm
Dear Salad,
If you read Outside View’s post, it seems that there is compassionate love and forgiveness for those who sincerely love and serve God.
You are sincere.
You are human.
Everyone bends under pressure, and you have been carrying so very much, it is remarkable that you have been able to keep going!
You love God, He knows it , and loves you even more.
Ask him for forgiveness and strength.
He wants you to talk to Him.
He understands, and always will.
_________________
Sylkat
Student Body President, Miskatonic University
