What I want

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I've been suicidal since the 3rd grade, but never have I felt like this. I was diagnosed last month, and it all just hit me at once. I'm scared, alone, and depressed. I don't see any future for myself that entails anything but that which I lament. I don't want to be alone, but I don't know how to get close. Worse, I'm scared of being close with anyone, even if I could. I want to have a girlfriend, I want to have a stable job, and most of all I want to fit in. I don't understand why I had to be the one that all of this happened to, I don't understand why people have been so mean. I want to be normal, but nothing I can do will make it so. I want the world to make sense, but it doesn't. I want people to be understanding, but they are spiteful. I want to be social, but no one wants to be social with me. Most of all, I want to feel loved and accepted, but instead I feel the antithesis: isolation. I don't know what I can do. I don't know if I will be homeless at the end of the month, but as of now that is the least of my concerns. I would rather be homeless again than to feel the way I do now. I want to feel hope again, and I want this crazy roller coaster ride to stop long enough for me to catch my breath and sit under a tree with a book that I can escape into.

This may seem like I'm ignoring your main point but could you find a tree and sit under it and read a book?

I know it is difficult. You seem to have had it especially difficult. But the future starts now. It all begins now. It can begin with you sitting under a tree with a book.

You are just as human as anyone else, allow yourself to be and be happily. I know it it easier said than done. I guess it's a mental approach I'm espousing here rather than a specific suggestion.

You know more now, the more you know about yourself the easier it gets to be successful in finding things that make you happy. You just have to not give up. People are imperfect and they don't hold the answers to your happiness. Do things that make you fill good and give you meaning and you'll find good people along the way.