I work as a TA in a special needs classroom, and the other day I overheard something from the lead teacher: she was talking about dealing with parents who wanted their son to get married, have children, and own a house. She said she had to have an earnest "come to Jesus" talk with them about what is and is not a realistic expectation for their son. Needless to say, getting married and having children were not on the list of "realistic expectations."
A week before that was staff orientation day for the new school year. The principle shouted out her list of "raise your hand if yous": Did you celebrate an anniversary? Have a new child? Go on a family vacation? etc. Of course, none of these were applicable to me, and only served to remind that I'm an unwanted loser who will always be alone and unloved. Then there was an activity where we were all asked to show off a photograph that made each of us happy; while everyone else were showing off pictures of their significant others and children, all I had to show was the picture of a Transformers toy.
I saw my case manager on Friday, and he said that I need to focus on fixing me before I worry about finding a girlfriend. But I don't have that luxury anymore; I'm going to turn 40 on my next birthday, and if I ever want to be intimate with a woman who isn't in her 50's or 60's, its now or never.
Problem is, that's not a "realistic expectation".
Mind you, dating and having sex with young beautiful women and getting married and starting a family are all perfectly mundane expectations for every other person I've ever known. Just not for me. Because I happened to born with a genetic defect I have no control over; because the universe arbitrarily picked me to f**k in the @$$; because I'm a freak; none of the above are "realistic expectations" for me!
On the other hand: getting beaten by my father when I was a toddler? Constantly being put down and belittled by step-father? Getting belittled for my gender on a regular basis by misandrist mother? Being told that I and everything I ever say or do are all wrong by every person I've ever known every day of my life? Becoming homeless multiple times because nobody would give me a job? Getting molested and raped multiple times by multiple people? Of course those are all perfectly realistic expectations for a loser like me to have. But for women to actually find me attractive and want to be with me? Now, that is just not a reasonable, realistic expectation. Because of course it isn't!
Even after 40 years, I've still been raped more times than any woman has ever wanted to have sex with me.
But I guess I just need to have "realistic expectations" for myself.
22 Aug 2021, 10:22 pm
