anxious always anxious

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Hi I am new but really struggling with stress and anxiety. I hate being autistic right now. It is too much effort for me to try and be somebody and have a job. Yet I know I feel bad about myself if I don't try my hardest. I try and please others all the time, which causes me anxiety. If I don't try to please others, I feel anxious anyway. There is no avoiding it. I hate myself. I try so hard not to hurt myself but when I feel like this that's all I want to do. I'm sure I'm killing myself trying so hard and getting nowhere. I don't even know what the point is writing this, but I don't know what to do with myself. I'll probably call crisis, they'll talk me down and I'll feel the same way again in a couple of days. It feels like there are too many obstacles in the way to get help for myself. My private counsellor recently dumped me and said she can't help me anymore and I feel angry with her because it feels like I wasted my time and money and 3 years of my life. I have a job, but it is very low paying so I can't really afford another private counsellor. I am currently trying hypnosis for my anxiety and to address eating issues but it doesn't seem to be working yet however this is only the second session. I take anxiety medication but clearly, it is not having much impact. I am trying to be in touch with the IAPT (improved access to psychological therapies) team, but they only work the hours I work and because I work at a school I cannot take time off. So I can wait until the holidays to have my assessment, but since they only work my working hours anyway, I wouldn't be able to see anyone. So I don't know whether to quit my job so I can actually access some help, or wait until I can't take it anymore and start harming myself again, or... I don't know.

I bet you have an interest in something either artistic, or intellectual.

I try to do art sometimes, but I'm not very good at it. Possibly because I do not practise. I like reading and collecting lists of information, like countries, capitals, names, etc.

I'm still into that stuff.

There's nothing wrong with being into that stuff----unless it interferes with you remembering to eat, say.

What sort of job do you have?

I've had a clerical job for 40 years.

I am a teaching assistant. I am trained as a teacher, but the training was so stressful (I also did it during COVID last year, which didn't help) that I did not want to go straight into teaching. But now I am so comfortable not having to take work home every evening, and be completely consumed by school, that I'm wondering if I want to be a teacher at all. If it's too stressful for most people, then surely it's too stressful for an autistic person who suffers with anxiety and overwhelm?

I have a lot of trouble with anxiety. And when lots of things get off track, as seems to be happening to you right now. In the US, most schools have the summer off, and a big break at Christmas. I know things are different in the UK and it may be difficult to even get another counselor. Big hugs.

When my anxiety gets too much to bear, I go to bed and read and sleep.