Finding it hard to go to work

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I love my job and the environment, there's no stress there at all, but due to my severe depression I'm finding it really hard to go to work and do the same repetitive tasks each day and working on my own all the time.

I am depressed because my mother is very ill from cancer and she has deteriorated. Although I'm trying hard to put on a brave front when I go and see her and when I'm around people, I am crumbling inside.

It is why I'm easily triggered, like when people upset me I give them some back (like the member who was recently banned here). I just cannot passively walk away and ignore people's crap.

Anyway we are extremely short-staffed at work so having time off isn't an option. There's one woman who's been off for 8 weeks so far, after a minor operation, and we all know she's milking it because she's getting paid for sitting at home doing nothing and we all know that she's the type of person to want money but not doing much work to get it.

Also this covid thing is stressing me out. Each time I go and visit my mum in the nursing home I have to take a covid test, the one you have to put up your nose, and each time it makes me sneeze and sets off my rhinitis. Then I have to wait 30 minutes after taking the test before I can go in, even though it's a lateral flow test that shows whether you're negative immediately. I find it hard waiting because that half hour goes so slow, even if I take something to read I still can't focus.

My ADHD symptoms get worse when I'm under stress. This is why I'm going through the process of getting assessed for ADHD, so I can receive some ADHD support and maybe even try meds.

I can't deal with the fact that my mum is ill like this and won't ever get better. God I hate cancer.

A wise woman once said to me: babybird don't be a hero.

What I'm saying is that it is not your responsibility it your works are low on staff. Your health comes first. Don't run yourself into the ground Joe. If you need time off then go and get a sick note from your doctor.

Take care of yourself Joe.

It's very hard though having time off work. I hate being short-staffed, being short-staffed is the reason I'm working alone too much doing repetitive tasks (and sometimes the work of 2 people), so I feel like a hypocrite if I went off sick like the others.

I'm so glad my job is evening work and not morning, because feeling like this I would not be able to get up early every morning. Getting out of bed is extremely hard to do when you're depressed.

I keep feeling very impatient, like my mind and body is on fast-forward all the time. I'm also more jumpy at loud noises than I normally am. The other day I walked into a small store and this toddler in a pushchair (stroller) suddenly let out a blood-curdling shout, and I wasn't expecting it. I couldn't help myself glaring at the kid and I imagined myself punching it in the face. Obviously I'm not some sort of psychopath, because I would never actually do it otherwise I'd never forgive myself for it, but I still felt a sense of rage inside me. I just muttered to myself under my mask "I f*****g hate small children!" Little things like that really set off my nerves.

Up until now my Sertraline has worked but my mum being ill is literally the worst thing to have ever happened in my life, so I suppose my mindset has changed. I was thinking of upping my dose to 100mg, but I've been on antidepressants for 7 and a half years and I don't think I should be on them forever.

Sounds like you're stressed out to the max Joe.

Maybe a higher dose of your antidepressants could do the trick for a short while. You can always lower the dose again.

I've had to go on a higher dose of mine just lately for ptsd and it's worked a treat.

There's no point in suffering if you can get some help. And you can't go on being angry like that either. It's not good for yourself. You sound like you need a break. You've go a lot going on.

I feel happy when I'm tired because it means I can sleep, or look forward to a good night's sleep. Sleeping is my only way to escape this nightmare I'm living. When I'm awake, I help myself escape by doing arts and crafts, watching DVDs, playing with my pets, cuddling my boyfriend, and talking to people (including my boyfriend). I often call my other family members to chat and say how I'm feeling. So although I'm helping myself, my grieving and sadness and depression and all the other negative feelings I'm having are coming out in other ways, like being aggressively impatient, jumpy, sensitive and having bouts of tearfulness.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with all this stress, Joe. You have every reason to be completely overwhelmed and emotionally threadbare. Adding the Covid tests to your visits must be annoying af and I would lose patience too. I was working when my father was in end-of-life care for cancer and even though I was there when he passed, I'd give anything to take those preceding weeks back again. I feel so sad that you're going through the same thing. Whatever feels right for you is likely the right decision. If you want to try upping your meds, it's worth asking your doctor. I know you're waiting on a possible ADHD medication but in the meantime your mental health matters, and whatever you can do to cope is a step in the right direction.

Sending prayers for you and your mum.