I hate my married name (rant)

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WitchsCat
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27 Oct 2021, 9:51 am

All I want to do today is change my last name to my maiden name. I even brought divorce papers as proof, but the woman at BMV said they needed to be certified, while I had the copied version.

I wish I never got married, my married name feels like an inoperable brain tumor. I hate him and his stupid family, and I will never forgive him for hurting me in my marriage.


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Fnord
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27 Oct 2021, 9:55 am

Well, that sucks!

That woman should be dismissed for adding insult to your injury -- divorce itself is never pleasant, and being forced to have any association with an awful ex is simply wrong!



funeralxempire
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27 Oct 2021, 9:59 am

Fnord wrote:
Well, that sucks!

That woman should be dismissed for adding insult to your injury -- divorce itself is never pleasant, and being forced to have any association with an awful ex is simply wrong!


If she's following the rules she's obliged to follow why punish the lady at the counter? The rules are the issue of contention.

Edit: I've always found the cultural norm of women losing their last names weird, but I know my friend Cory is happy to have replaced her maiden name she hated with her ex's last name that she prefers even if they don't speak anymore.



Fnord
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27 Oct 2021, 10:01 am

funeralxempire wrote:
Fnord wrote:
Well, that sucks!  That woman should be dismissed for adding insult to your injury -- divorce itself is never pleasant, and being forced to have any association with an awful ex is simply wrong!
If she's following the rules she's obliged to follow why punish the lady at the counter? The rules are the issue of contention.
WC needs a more supportive environment.

Carrying the name of someone who has hurt you is like being physically branded by them -- you carry their mark everywhere you go, when you are better off to be rid of them entirely.



funeralxempire
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27 Oct 2021, 10:19 am

Fnord wrote:
funeralxempire wrote:
Fnord wrote:
Well, that sucks!  That woman should be dismissed for adding insult to your injury -- divorce itself is never pleasant, and being forced to have any association with an awful ex is simply wrong!
If she's following the rules she's obliged to follow why punish the lady at the counter? The rules are the issue of contention.
WC needs a more supportive environment.

Carrying the name of someone who has hurt you is like being physically branded by them -- you carry their mark everywhere you go, when you are better off to be rid of them entirely.


Agreed. It's frustrating to be caught in that situation and to be refused on the basis on 'sorry, i got rules to follow' even if the person you're trying to get help from legitimately has their hands tied by the rules.

Hopefully if it's the same person when WC goes back they'll at least let her skip the line since the fussier the rules are the more likely someone will be to arrive without their papers in order.


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babybird
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27 Oct 2021, 10:49 am

OK so I've never been married (or divorced). So when you get a divorce can you legally start to use your maiden name again straight away or do you have to go through a rigmarole (legal process) to legally change back?

Really sorry this has happened to you WC. I'd be going absolutely nuts in your situation.



kraftiekortie
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27 Oct 2021, 10:58 am

Go into a "probate court" in your county. They'll instruct you as to what to do. It'll cost anywhere from about $50 to about $200.



IsabellaLinton
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27 Oct 2021, 11:04 am

I had the same problem Witch's Cat. Somehow when I got married I legally changed my surname to his. They even issued me a new birth certificate as if I had been born with his surname. Apparently I screwed up and people are allowed to just "assume" their partner's surname if they have proof of marriage, rather than getting a new birth certificate. Mine made it seem like I was born as his wife. That was pretty creepy.

When we divorced I tried to assume my maiden name but ended up having to do a formal name change with notarised / certified divorce papers. It was actually pretty complicated and took about six months to be reborn as myself.

It kinda sucked because I loved his surname, but there was no way I was keeping it especially as a birth name.

I had to go through the whole shebang again when I later changed my forename legally.

You should be able to get your papers notarised quite inexpensively somewhere. Some places will just stamp them without even making an appointment.

Good luck!


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Misslizard
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27 Oct 2021, 11:15 am

I took my maiden name back.I did it when I got the divorce and it went smoothly.
Except the census people couldn’t figure it out.Kept asking where the person was with my married name.I kept trying to tell them it is me and this went on and on till a lady called and she got it.She had also changed her name back.


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babybird
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27 Oct 2021, 11:22 am

It's hard to believe that this kind of thing goes on in this day and age.

It's not as if divorce is even a new thing. The authorities really ought to be more sensitive about things like this especially as people have had to get themselves away from abusive husbands.



IsabellaLinton
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27 Oct 2021, 11:31 am

The hardest thing for me was flying with my daughter when she was a minor. She has her father's surname. That means our surnames didn't match. Single adults can't fly with minors because they might be abducting a child. I had to get notarised permission from the father any time I was going to fly with my daughter, to prove she was my daughter, even though I had custody and the custodial paperwork.

He had to "authorise" our trips by writing a formal letter and photocopying his driver's licence / signature onto it.

Let's not pretend he didn't refuse to do this, sometimes. He liked having that control over us.


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kraftiekortie
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27 Oct 2021, 11:45 am

Getting something notarized is no problem. There's usually Notary Publics near or in courthouses. $5 at the most.



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27 Oct 2021, 11:52 am

Getting it notarised isn't difficult. Like Kraftie said you can go to a courthouse and sometimes they even do it at shopping malls or legal offices in your area. The only reason mine was annoying and complicated was that the Name Change Certificate took a long time to be processed, and then I still needed to apply for a new birth certificate after I finally got the papers.

Oh, and then changing all my other ID. (Taxes, home ownership, driver's licence, medical records, credit cards, etc).

Never again.


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Blue_Star
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27 Oct 2021, 12:06 pm

Here, that would mean it needs the embossed/imprinted (not just printed) seal on the document. That can be done at the courthouse (or wherever you go to get a new "copy"). Just make sure to let them know that you need it certified.

Also, years ago, our bmv wouldn't take birth certs or anything that had the seal but was also laminated. If they couldn't feel the imprinted seal directly, it wasn't considered valid for id (ish) government purposes. (Which surprised many people since the standard even then was to automatically laminate official birth cert "copies" unless otherwise specified.)

And on that note, I can't find my ss card with my married name on it, so I keep my marriage cert, birth cert, & maiden name ss card all together for when any are needed. I get griped at, but one only get so many replacement ss cards, & I'm not wasting one of my last two or three when that card's around here somewhere...



Last edited by Blue_Star on 27 Oct 2021, 12:18 pm, edited 1 time in total.

IsabellaLinton
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27 Oct 2021, 12:08 pm

Same! Don't ever laminate anything!


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WitchsCat
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27 Oct 2021, 1:08 pm

Update: I was able to get my name changed, but I had to go downtown so I can get a certified stamp on my divorce papers. I used a pass that BMV gave me so I can get a new license earlier.

Thanks for all the support, it can be hard when I have other things on my plate as well as the thing I must currently do. My license will come in the next week or two.


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