I'm terrified of gaining weight

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I posted not that long ago about how I'm constantly in pain and I realised that it's gotten a lot worse since I suddenly gained weight. A fall out with a friend triggered it and I very rapidly gained about 10kg (went from 82kg to 92kg). I'm now very slowly losing weight (down by 1kg at least, hard to tell as when I measured I was pmsing and I can gain ALOT of weight at that time). I'm about 5 foot 10 so according to my BMI I should be in the 60s to 70s when it comes to my weight and currently I'm only a tiny bit bellow medically obese which surprises me.

Anywho, the difference that 10kg made has really terrified me. I can barely walk without feeling like my joints are grinding against each other to the point I start limping. Today I'm having to stay sitting down bc my joints hurt from going on a GROCERY shop ;-;. I'm feeling anxious whenever I eat bc I'm terrified of gaining. I don't want to be in any more pain. How I'm going to keep it off when I get to my goal is also terrifying. I hate having to eat :/. Just thinking of it makes my anxiety bubble up and I want to cry.

It makes it harder that I have no idea what I look like. The only way I knew I gained so much was because my clothes stopped fitting. I also know I have been a lot smaller in the past even though I was still overweight from the body checks I fail that I could do a few years ago (+ the book I kept with my measurements). Despite this definite evidence, I have always looked the same to myself which is depressing. I can't imagine what I would look like skinny. I have always been chubby as I dissociate and have never been connected to my stomach (even in primary school eating till I was sick was a comfort). This is terrifying.

I'm sorry. Like I had posted on your other thread, I have joint hypermobility, too. But, it had never bothered me too much until this past spring when I started having knee pain out of the blue. Since then, I've put on 10 pounds due to not being able to do higher impact exercise anymore. I'm only 5'4", so on me that's a decent amount of weight.

My BMI is 24-point-something, so if I gain just a little more I will officially be "overweight." Since these days my exercise consists of a little walking and pilates, but nothing that burns tons of calories, I know I need to start cutting calories in order to lose or even avoid gaining more weight, but I had some issues with over-dieting and eating disorders when I was in college, so part of me still finds focusing on my weight kind of triggering.

But, getting back to my typical weight is one of my New Year's resolutions. In my case I gained weight after my knees started bothering me, not before, so I don't know how much it will help to lose some, but one can hope, I guess.

Good luck and try to hang in there. I know it's hard.

Edit: I wanted to add that in early 2020, I suddenly lost 15 pounds in 3 months without trying or any kind of explanation. It was nice when it first started, but then got sort of scary because it was so rapid and for the first time in my life I was getting to be underweight. I didn't seek medical attention at the time, due to the pandemic, but my doctor thinks I might have had thyroiditis and then recovered from it. So, I then put that 15 pounds back on pretty quickly (again, with no explanation for the change) in late 2020, was at my "normal weight" very briefly, then, after my knees starting bothering me, rapidly put on 10 pounds. So, yeah, actually now that I'm thinking about it, maybe all the weight fluctuations did trigger a worsening of my joint issues?

You might have a thyroid problem. I'm pretty lean and agile. You do feel better at lighter weights,this is true. But its a uphill battle fighting the fat as you get older. Luckily I dont have that problem...yet.

I have lost around 2 stones in the past couple of years.

Obesity is a cause of many, many health problems.

It is truly better to be more lightweight in terms of physical mass.

I say that as someone who is technically obese.

Whilst I'm not terrified, I have the opposite problem. It's quite hard for me to gain weight, and that'd be when I stopped the SSRI as that timeline lines up. I've been 80 kilos at 186 centimeters for a few years now. Yeah, "healthy", but I'd rather be a fitter 90s, which I often have been (you feel a little stronger even if you wear out a little quicker). I have to work to stay at 80 (which will be an issue if I became seriously sick or something, as I'd lose weight quite quickly; sometimes it's good to have a little to fall back on). It'll also be due to the heightened adrenergic state there, leading to an increased metabolism. I haven't burnt out yet it seems; they say you eventually do, but it's been decades now. I'll probably die in a decade from too much stress, lol.

I don't exercise that much other than the 100 push ups in the morning and any work around the home/yard. No real running or anything which you usually think of for weight loss.

The doctor noticed this a couple of years ago as I quickly lost weight and then it stopped at 80 (which was about a year after stopping the SSRI).