Martial Arts Failure

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Here in Australia the school holidays go from late-mid December until early February. The Martial arts class I attend closes for that period, and we're expected to practice at home. All the more so because I have a grading coming up next month. Tomorrow night is supposed to be my first night back this year.

And I did no training over the holidays.

So tomorrow night I get to go back and say I did nothing, or say nothing and show what two months of doing nothing looks like. Then listen to the disappointment disrespect speech or see it on the teacher's face.

But that's not the worst of it. No, that honor goes to the one hour of sleep I got last night and the rest of the insomnia spent thinking about why I did no training over the holidays. It occurred to me that while I love going to the class, because it's only one class a week we're expected to train at home as well. And I don't.

I worked out schedules, gave a lot of thought to it, understand the necessity of it... but I do nothing. It's not even procrastination, which suggests putting it off until later. As I thought about it last night, it occurred to me that I've never trained at home in past styles I've done in other places and times. I realise now that I probably never will.

As much as I love turning up and doing the classes, I'm thinking of quitting. They have their expectations, and the reality is that I can't really expect to advance without doing the work. And before this became apparent, they made it clear that they're not keen on people coasting. I love the people and the activity, but it's becoming uncomfortable, with no chance of improving.

And I'm going to be embarrassed, frustrated and depressed no matter what I do. Though I'm always depressed.

Despite your setback and having to own it, you do have a month to get it together before your grading. Sho Kosugi rules

True. Four lessons. Possible if I do the home work. And they'll make us do the grading anyway, ready or not. Heck, I'll even pass. I haven't seen anyone 'fail' yet. Just get to listen to the critique at the end. But the grading isn't really the issue.

Mostly it's about not meeting expectations. I don't do anything, even when I know I should. It plays out in other areas of my life as well. I'd love to act on prepping for possible employment, but I don't act upon it.

It's like being a robot. No action until somebody presses the button. Every time. and it's embarrassing.

Exercise is another one. I collected about 800gig of info on various aspects (HIIT, mobility, bodyweight, etc), pared it all down to a viable plan. I look at it, understand it, but feel nothing, do nothing.

Oh well, just a rant.

Motivation can be difficult with depression, hope things work out for you. Maybe someone else will have some tips. It's good to rant

Thanks Doberdoofus. Maybe a miracle will come crashing down on me. Can only hope.

What about telling them how you operate and seeing if there are additional classroom sessions you can attend? Could be worth the time and money. Alternatively, what about pairing up with someone else in the group that's similar ? Maybe they never workout solo, or are a procrastinator etc - if you make a scheduled commitment to meet with them a few times a week to train - then maybe you both will.

Nothing wrong with realizing your own learning style and adapting to it.

Interestingly, there's the distinct possibility that the teacher might be spectrum. We've discussed it.

But yeah, I've considered the other points.

The up point to all this is that it has me exploring things I'd not previously considered. Like entropy and burnout.

That sounds like executive dysfunction where someone needs to be prompted to do things. That's how it goes. That's an autism thing.

I had the problem of being around others (which is also an autism thing), as I don't have too much executive dysfunction when it comes to an interest. Sometimes you have to be around others with an interest, and with that I'd just focus even more. I just find the Kata, break it apart and do it on my own, which I've done for a long time now. Tantojutsu right now, albeit Western military knife fighting is better (post-WW2).