Is it my fault I'm lonely ?

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I'm not actually completely lonely, I do have family to talk to but I do have times when I feel lonesome and yet despite I never went out to the usual social environments that people in their 20s and 30s usually meet in the hope of meeting new friends or a potential partner, like bars, pubs, nightclubs on a weekend evening. I remember going to a nightclub once and found it uncomfortable because of the flashing lights and spent the evening outside but that wasn't because I'm epileptic because I'm not. Other options suggested to me have been volunteering but I have felt unable to want to do volunteering again because a part of me is thinking well, why do it when I already have job and the last time I volunteered was when I was out of work and I got on with some people but didn't make friendships with them. I did go to some social clubs when other people with autism and other disabilities interact but I felt like I didn't ''fit in'' or belong there because I seemed more high functioning than other people there and it made it feel like I was back at primary school again.

I seemed to feel as though I aspire to be around more people who are not autistic and I don't know if that is a problem. When I went to college and uni when I was in classes of different people not many people came up to want to interact with me and make me want to be a part of their group even though some did. I seem to think I found myself at the time struggling how to approach people, how to say the right thing and now try to make people awkward and make them think I'm a weirdo. Nearly always I would be on breaks on my own and not speaking or hanging out with anyone and looking back makes me think why I was being left alone. Was it because they knew I was different and by seeing me on my own they would leave me alone and not bother me ? I do sometimes seem to feel bad because I don't have a network of close friends like those you see on social media have in photos and selfies going out to a party, a holiday somewhere etc. I feel as though by not having that group of friends then it seems as though you've ''wasted time'' or that it would make you feel ''content'' and give you a ''peace of mind'' because you feel popular.

It doesn't sound like its your fault. It sounds like you want to connect with more people but the usual group social settings can be too overwhelming for you, and even if the environment is okay, you don't feel any connection with most people. You can't really control those things, so they can't really be your fault.

I think it's good that you're able to recognise when things are not working for you. The last thing you want is to totally exhaust yourself by forcing yourself to remain in situations that are overwhelming or just not comfortable for you, or to force connections with people you have nothing in common with or don't feel comfortable around.

I'd like to meet and connect with more people myself. But I only connect and feel comfortable with a very small percentage of people. I really only connect well with other neurodivergent people and there aren't a lot of ways to find them. Often social/support groups for autistic people are mostly attended by people with more severe learning disabilities and run by neurotypical people, neither of which I'm going to feel like I fit in with at all and it sounds like the same goes for you.

I'm not really particularly interested in being part of Wrong Planet for it's own sake - if it was easier to find and connect with other autistic people in real life, I wouldn't bother coming here at all. I only spend time here because that isn't the case, and I'm just trying to make whatever connection I can. But I don't personally want online connections. I want in-person connections. Currently I live in a very isolated area and I'm planning to move to a more central part of the country, where I hope to find and make use of more opportunities to connect with people like me. But its not easy to do.

That said, I have found a few really nice connections with other autistic people over the years, and when it really works, it feels worth all the initial effort. A couple of the people I considered close friends no longer live in the area and we're not in regular contact any more, but I do have one autistic friend here who I value a lot. We see each other often and our friendship helps us both to feel understood and a sense of belonging. It also allows us both to really recognise this type of connection is important to us but that we need more of it, and we'd both like to connect with more people who are like us, not just each other. And when I move, we'll no longer be able to see each other regularly. So I feel very committed to keep trying to meet more people and find those rare connections that do work.

Anyway, I feel your frustration. Again, I don't think it's your fault. I don't know if what I've said is helpful to you in any way but I hope you can find a way to ease the loneliness that works for you.

The world has changed over the last decades, it's not you.

People used to socialise with each other in real life, now they are too busy on their phones or computers and they can't be bothered to socialise with actual humans face to face.

I used to have friends at school and university then as the internet spread, actual friends became harder to find and everyone was just too busy with the online world to try and make friends.

It's modern times, it's not us. People are individualistic now, they actually don't need other people now because everything is online and they can get whatever they want at the click of a button. We're all separating into social groups of one now.